So remember how I said that Joy made her profile picture of both of them last night after that whole fucking conversation? Yeah. Well, today she thought everything was hunky dory and that I would be sympathetic to her desire to not go back to school tomorrow and instead I got snarky. I’m sure that I was a little meaner than I needed to be but I don’t even fucking care anymore. I told her what she did, why I was mad, and that I don’t want to talk to her right now because I already had one person tell me they were my “best friend” and then act like they weren’t this year (the BFX, if you haven’t been following). She never replied. So. That’s that I guess.

I’m just so angry!!!!!! Last year one of my best friendships fell apart and never totally recovered and two of my other closest friends and I grew apart because they kept forgetting about me/I hate their then-roommate so I was never invited to things (they didn’t like her either but its not like they could tell her to not come to the party they were throwing at their apartment). I had no real friends in high school; at least, no real friends that lasted longer than a few months… I was bullied a lot. And then over the summer I lost the BFX as a boyfriend and then throughout this school year I lost him as a best friend. And Joy knows all of this and promised to be there for me. She promised to be a real best friend. And I actually fucking believed her. I’m such an idiot. No one ever fucking stays. She chose him over me, his feelings over mine, because he is in RI and I’m not. End of story. And until she starts thinking about anyone other than herself, I’m not interested in this friendship. I literally bend over backwards for her. Every panic attack, every fight with her mom, every issue with her insane ex, I’m there. I talk her down, calm her down, put things into perspective. I go out of my way to do things to make her happy because I know she’s depressed and she needs it. And I kept my mouth shut about how I felt about her sucking up to the BFX for MONTHS because I knew that he was her big and she needed him to get through the process and become a brother of our fraternity. I do so fucking much for her. And this one thing – being honest – one fucking thing she can’t do for me.

Maybe its because of everything I went through growing up, but I value loyalty above almost any other trait in friendships. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. She claims to be the same way, but obviously not considering that she has put the BFX before me. That isn’t loyalty. That’s being a fucking coward. 

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get it out somewhere so I don’t just go off on her some more.

**UPDATE** I just let her have it. Like really just screamed at her, all out, curses flying, no censorship. And I confronted the BFX about everything I’ve been feeling in that department. And I just want to die. I’m trying to fix two friendships and I’ll probably end up with neither and just upset both of them in the process. They’d both be better off if I just disappeared. I would be, too. I’m tired of feeling shitty all the time.

**UPDATE 2** I think everything is ok with both Joy and the BFX. But I’m kinda drunk so I’ll have to check again in the morning to make sure I’m right.

Oh yeah, and Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate. (Forgive me, I’m Jewish – this isn’t the first thing on my mind even when I’m not having a shit day). 

Intake for Sunday, March 31:

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Ok so this morning I finally confronted Joy about everything because she brought up that she drunkenly said something to the BFX about me last night. And here is what happened:

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I’m so fucking done. My “best friend” Joy has apparently been lying to me about the BFX. She keeps telling me that she is on my side but she’s his little so she can’t do anything blahblahblah but when she talks to me she acts like she really is mad at him. But then she spends allllll this time with him. And so what happened was her friend threw a party this weekend and Joy told me that the friend invited the BFX because he was there when they were talking about it. Joy then told me that her roommate, who also was going to the party, reminded the BFX yesterday about the party and Joy told me she was upset because she was hoping he would forget about it because she didn’t want him to go. But our other mutual friend (the one who Joy was bitching about me getting closer to, we’ll call her K) told me tonight that Joy told her on Wednesday when they were hanging out that SHE, not the party host, invited the BFX.

Now, here’s the thing. I know Joy is his little. If she wants to be friends with him and forgive him for what he put me through because of the nature of their relationship, fine. I wouldn’t be thrilled about it, but I’d understand it and accept it and let it go because that’s how it is. But just be fucking honest with me about it. Don’t tell me that you’re on my side and that you have my back when you fucking don’t. Don’t fucking lie to me. I know it seems like such a small deal but she is supposed to be my best fucking friend and she’s lying to me about something so fucking stupid because she needs to have me be happy with her and have the BFX be happy with her at the same time and that really isn’t possible unless she lies to at least one of us. And at the moment I think she’s lying to both of us. And it’s crap and I’m done with it. I’m going to confront her about it tomorrow because I am not dealing with this two-faced bullshit anymore.

Intake for Friday, March 29:

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I did okay today.

Things went okay today.

I actually posted something on the BFX’s facebook wall. And he liked it. I miss my best friend so much. This sucks.

M is still being stupid.

But work was alright.

And I spent hours talking to my best friend from RI (can we call her something? I’m going to call her Joy from now on. Ok? ok.) but hours of it was her freaking out and me calming her down and the rest was just absolute ridiculousness. Then she got whiny on her personal blog being somewhat vague but I’m pretty sure that she was upset that our other friend and I have become closer since I left. Which is ridiculous. Joy is the best friend I’ve been talking about that’s a freshman and kind of just… she blamed me for abandoning her on her personal Tumblr when I moved from RI when she knew I did it so I wouldn’t kill myself. Like. Really. I love her but the level of fakeness, selfishness, and immaturity that I have seen from her and that our other friend has told me about since I left has really been pissing me off. So today was both bad because of the freaking out and good because of the fun part. So all in all, it was okay. I guess.

Didn’t smoke. Both a plus and a minus. Probably contributed to my intake being okay. It would have been perfect if I didn’t have the sangria. Or if I didn’t pick at things around my kitchen. But I still blame the sangria. I had only had ~300 calories when I drank it so even though it was a small glass and it isn’t that strong I felt it. I wish I could go have some more but calories.

Intake for Thursday, March 28:

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I need to get my smoking under control. Not because it’s bad for me but because I eat every. damn. time. UGH! I don’t want to give up smoking. I’m so anxious all the time and it really helps me. But I cannot keep getting the munchies like this. I’m thinking of stocking my room up with healthy foods (apples mostly) because I’m more likely to eat what’s here then go down to the kitchen to get something else. The only thing is that I don’t have a refrigerator in my room so I can only keep stuff that doesn’t need to be cold.

Also, it is REALLY hard to count calories during Passover because so much is homemade. I keep guestimating. I’m trying to assign MORE calories to things than I think they are worth but I still have no idea.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to shoot for 800 instead of 1000 so that if I smoke I have 200 to play with.

Yesterday’s Intake Stuff:

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I’m destined to be a fat fucking loser forever.

Today was a total disaster. I started out so well and then after dinner everything just fell apart and I just ate and ate and I couldn’t stop myself and it was awful.

Supposed to hang out with M tomorrow and see where things go. I feel so gross though, I don’t know if I want anything to happen anymore. I’m too fat.

I know that this says “Tuesday, March 26″ but to me it’s still “Monday, March 25.” Just for your perspective. 

I’m exhausted. It’s officially Passover, so nothing with wheat, flour, yeast, corn (that includes corn syrup), rice, etc. for the next 8 days. 

I got into a political argument with some older members of my family about why my generation is failing to acquire good jobs. I decided to make one of those informative 10 minute YouTube videos about it and I didn’t even realize that I’ve been working for 5 hours on it now. Yikes. Hopefully I’ll finish it tomorrow or Wednesday, but I have a lot of other things to get done as well. I just know that if I don’t finish it soon I’ll forget about it. But I have to get my bank accounts straightened out so I can pay off the term bill that I got from dropping out of my old school which says it was due March 7 but I didn’t even get it in the mail until after then but I still should pay it off ASAP. Then I have to actually apply to my new school (even though I’m guaranteed to get in according to both my adviser and the admissions counselor I spoke with) and apply to another school that my mom works at just in case she can get me some money off my tuition in which case I’d go there instead. Then I also have to finish re-organizing everything from moving home (mostly paperwork and desk-related stuff) and finish a project I was supposed to have finished at the end of last semester and that I said I would do over winter break that I never did. Guh.

Then, less importantly, last night a very drunk M was like “tomorrow you are coming to my house when I get home from class, we are getting stoned, and then I am ripping your clothes off.” And I asked if he would still feel that way sober and he was like “well hypothetically I wouldn’t be but probably,” whatever the fuck that means. From there it went:

Me – Ok. Well lets go with this for now – we will smoke together tomorrow afternoon. We will see if anything happens from there.
Him – I’m ripping your clothes off regardless
Me – Are you sure you’re still going to feel this way tomorrow?
Him – probably after smoking
Me – then I’m still going to go into this as “we’ll get high and see what happens.”
Him – Ok

But then we ended up cancelling because it was snowing and he was running late from class and his mom got in a small fender bender and his grandma ended up in the hospital (unrelated to the car accident) and he said “we’ll do it Wednesday.” Soooo yeah.

Intake stuff:

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My 18 year old neighbor committed suicide last week. I just found out.

He was 18.

I used to babysit him.

I still tutor his 16 year old brother.

I didn’t know him very well anymore, but I’m in shock.

I feel so awful.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do for the family, for my sister and her friends that were his age, or for me.

I feel so stupid. Stupid that I sometimes feel suicidal, too. Because look at what this has done. Stupid that I worry about such trivial things when he ended his life and I had no idea that he was even depressed. He lived so close. I can see their house from my bedroom window. I babysat him. I talked to his brother. My sister rode the bus with him. And we had no idea.

His sister is only 14. His brother is 16. And his parents. I can’t even imagine what they are dealing with right now. The whole family always seemed so upbeat. 

And now I upset my friend because I’m upset. Because according to him, I’m always in a bad mood. Excellent.

I confronted my best friend about always talking about the BFX and made it pretty clear that I’m upset with her for not holding him responsible for how he treated me. She apologized (sort of) and said that she doesn’t consider him “off the hook” by any means, but I told her that she needs to start acting like it since he doesn’t know that he’s in her bad books. So we’ll see if that gets any better.

In weight related news: Last night I ended up binging again so I made myself some new rules. Just for this week to get me kickstarted. However, then I realized Passover starts Monday night and it is nearly impossible to keep low cals during Passover but I’m gonna do my best (except Monday night all bets are off). So the new deal is to have under 1000cals each day and if I go over I can’t smoke the next day. I also cannot have any caffeine, alcohol, or drink any calories. And no eating after 10pm. That is just for this week, excluding Monday (so until the 30th), but hopefully that will help me get started.

I’ve officially gained 5lb since I’ve moved home. I moved home February 20. It’s March 23. That’s 5lb in a month. I’m hoping to lose it faster than I gained it, but we’ll see.

Intake stuff:

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Back to kind of hating my life and feeling totally overwhelmed. Woo. 

I need to find ways to smoke more often. Right now I can only smoke when my parents are out or if I’ve been out and I sneak around before coming home.

Intake stuff:

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