December 27, 2012
-
I don’t know what is wrong with me
Earlier today, I had the thought – verbatim – run through my head: “I want to slit my own throat.”
About an hour ago, I had a sudden urge to shoot up. Yeah, like heroine. I’ve never done anything more than smoke a lot of weed and one time I accidentally robotripped (long story). Not to mention I have a massive phobia of hypodermic needles – without Xanax, I faint while they are putting the tourniquet on to draw the blood. But I wanted nothing more than to slam a needle into my arm and pump myself full of the strongest drug I could get my hands on.
I feel like my brain is coming apart at the seams. I have moments where I feel mostly ok and then… its like I’m running through a field and then someone throws a brick wall up in front of me. And then I freak out, calm down, and keep running… and then there is another brick wall. Except the running is my ability to function and the brick walls are pure insanity.
I would say I need help, but I am already in therapy. I’ve been in therapy since the end of August. I like my therapist. But this trip down insanity lane started while I was already in therapy, and it is only getting worse. I don’t get it.
