I don’t understand how this new Xanga works. I don’t see any posts from friends/people I subscribed to more recent than 2011. I don’t know how to find out who’s still active and who has gone. If you’re still here and you’ve figured this shit out, please let me know. Otherwise, I’m sad I wasted the money on this and you can find me on Livejournal.

I think the worst thing Xanga could have done for their own survival is string along the end date for the site. First it was the middle of July, then the end of July, now the end of August. No one that I follow is posting here anymore. Seriously. I haven’t had any updates on this site in days and days, and its been pretty sparse for the last few weeks. If Xanga had been able to turn itself around quickly, we might have stuck around. I, personally, am regretting ponying up to the donation box (I had some excess income at the time, although they won’t charge me until NOW when I need that money) because everyone left! Even if they reach their goal and charge me money I had but no longer have and everyone switches over to Xanga 2.0, no one will still be here to use it. I’ve found a decent community over at LiveJournal, and honestly I get more feedback there than I ever got here. So what I’m saying is I guess I’ll still be around here if Xanga manages to pull off Xanga 2.0, since I paid and all, but I really don’t foresee myself using it very much. We’ll see, I guess.

For those of you interested, my Livejournal is shad0wsneedlite.livejournal.com.

I also have a private Tumblr with a password. If you want that, just message me. After it got hacked, I’m hesitant to post the URL or the password publicly. 

I’m surprised that Xanga is still here.

I’m surprised I’m still here.

I’m not sure how much longer either of us will be here.

Alaska had its moments, but really I’m worse off now than I was when I left. So. I really just don’t know. I don’t know how I’m going to keep pushing ahead. I don’t think I can. And more importantly, I don’t think I want to.

In 5 hours and 15 minutes, I will be waking up to head to the airport. In 8 hours and 15 minutes, my plane will be (presumably) taking off for Vancouver. This time tomorrow, I will be with one of my friends from college who lives in Vancouver. In approximately 37 hours, I will be leaving the port on my first ever cruise, destination – Alaska. 

The last 24 hours have been nothing but a nightmare. I hung out with the HSF last night and it was fun but then she totally took advantage of me (not intentionally) and I ended up getting home an hour and a half later than I wanted to. I confronted her about it today, but she has yet to reply. *sigh* Regardless, that lateness home resulted in me not being able to pack last night, which means that this morning I had to pack instead of going on the elliptical. So that was fucking with my head all day. And then I ate. A lot. Out of stress. I just ate and ate and ate. I’m probably at 1700 cals today, if not more. I gave up keeping track. It’s too much for me. I know it’s still a “healthy” amount but numbers that high really upset me and fuck with my head. And of course since I’m upset I DEAL WITH IT BY EATING MORE. Omfg. It’s taking everything in me to not go get more food right now. But I digress. Work sucked, I sat around doing nothing over half the day and of course all I could think about was how much I could be getting done if I was home instead, but I couldn’t go home. Then when I finally DID get home, my mom and I got in a shouting match because she took it personally when I said I was tired and cranky. Like, I was warning her that I’m tired and cranky and she starts shit with me. WTF. Being alone with my family for the 9 days is going to be a disaster.

I set a new record yesterday though with my running. 5.28 miles, no stopping, no walking, and my average minutes per mile was 10:44. In the past, I’ve averaged around 11:00. And I’ve never run more than 4 miles in one go. And I haven’t been able to run 4 miles without walking a little in a few weeks because of the damn heat and humidity. So yesterday’s run felt really good.

But anyway, I gotta go. I still need to finish and submit my optometry school application, put some songs on my iPod, and download a book from a list that I lost somewhere onto my tablet. And then, you know, sleep. For probably 3 hours. 

I also just realized that Xanga will be dead by the time I return home. That thought blows my mind. At least I’ll have wifi on the boat, so I can stay updated until the last minute. Geez. Xanga dying is so weird.

Fuck.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BECOME AS AFRAID OF CONTINUING TO LIVE AS YOU ARE OF DYING? WHEN LIFE BECOMES AS TERRIFYING AS DEATH?

I’ve gotta get to Alaska. I’ve gotta have a good time, make good memories for my parents and my sister. I have to be the best, most enthusiastic daughter I can be. Because when I get home… when I get home, I’m going to answer that question. One way or another, I’m going to answer it.

11 days until I come home from Alaska.

And I fucked up my intake last night. It was an accident. I thought I grabbed 2 diet iced teas but 1 was regular and I didn’t realize until after I ate it. And then I didn’t realize that the snack I grabbed had 2 servings in it until after I was done that, either. So fuck. I wanted my week before Alaska to have intakes of less than 1000 but now, because of my slips last night, yesterday was at over 2000. FUCK. 

I was supposed to have an official weigh in today but I’m going to put it off until tomorrow because yesterday sucked. 

And now, if you still care about any of my depressed crap, you can continue reading.

Continue reading →

…and I’ve gone backwards. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Sunday I weighed in at 129.0. I started in MARCH at 137.0. THAT’S ONLY 8 FREAKING POUNDS IN LIKE 4 MONHTS. It’s pathetic! Now, I know for a fact that it’s mostly because I’ve gained a lot of muscle (I have pictures under the cut). I think that I look better now than I did at 121, my lowest weight ever. And I know that my 130.5lb weigh in today (which is the highest I’ve had in a month) is just bloating because I’m getting my period in the next couple of days and because I’m seriously dehydrated (even though I try to make myself drink enough water). I’m just so frustrated! I’ve counted every calorie, only given myself two real cheat days, and worked out according to schedule and made up EVERY SINGLE MISSED WORKOUT for 4 fucking months!!! 4 months. And I’ve only lost 8 lb. And today apparently I gained 1.5 back. What the actual fuck. I just. I can’t deal with it. I can rationalize it and tell myself its muscle and tell myself its bloating but my ED brain is screaming and crying and throwing a fit and nothing logical matters. I’m fat. I’m getting fat again. And despite all of the hard work and effort I’ve put in for the last 4 months, I’m not making much progress. But I am. But it doesn’t matter. 

Ok. Below the cut are “progress” pictures from my entire time here on Xanga – my big Xanga goodbye (although I’ll probably still post here until I leave for Alaska). Not everything is labeled in my computer, so I’m going on memory for some of the captions. (The captions go with the photo above them)

Continue reading →

Today – Monday, July 15, 2013 – I finished reading “Looking for Alaska” by John Green. I don’t want to ruin the plot for anyone who has yet to read the book, but I’m going to mention some of the major plot points so you may not want to continue if you don’t like spoilers. Anyway, continuing on. Today I finished reading “Looking for Alaska.” It has been about 36 hours since Cory Monteith was found dead in a hotel room. It has been just over a week since I finished reading “Forbidden” by Tabitha Suzuma (there are spoilers for that, too). It has been nearly 4 months since my 19 year old neighbor committed suicide. It has been 5 months since I nearly killed myself the second time. It has been 7 months since my suicidal tendencies have resurfaced full force with only minor, sporadic breaks from such thoughts. It has been 7 years since I nearly killed myself the first time. It has been 8 years since I had my first real encounter with suicide when my band mate died. It has been 10 years since I was first introduced to the idea of self harm.

Continue reading →

I had an encounter today that really pissed me off. And I’m about to rant about it.

THIS RANT INVOLVES WEIGHT-RELATED ISSUES. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED OR IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY WEIGHT-RELATED TOPICS. THIS HAS BEEN A DISCLAIMER. THANK YOU.

Continue reading →

Xanga seems to be dying. I haven’t had any updates in my subs for a few days and no one is leaving footprints, either (and I have log in lock on and no anonymous browsing so everyone leaves footprints). What’s the point of them extending the deadline if everyone disappeared already?

I haven’t been doing much better. I hit a new LW for this weightloss cycle Thursday, but then I ate a ton that same day and yesterday I did ok but not great so I’ll probably be up again when I weigh in officially tomorrow. And I’m still stressed and depressed. My pleco died after I worked my ass off to save him – got killed by a tank heater that boiled him to death. I feel like its all my fault. And the goldfish is dying/might be dead as we speak because, with everything else going on, I forgot to feed him and I haven’t been doing water changes and that is the only tank not in my bedroom so I just forgot about him. I’m awful. I’m really, really awful. I can’t even keep my fish alive and that is my fucking hobby.

Still paranoid and upset about the Tumblr issue. The BFX is being weird. He’s on a trip right now for a research opportunity through our university so maybe he’s just distracted, but he’s apparently being an ass to Joy and he’s being kind of nice – but very very succinct – to me. Joy and K think I should stop talking to him. And I probably should have stopped talking to him months ago. It isn’t like he ever messages me first. Or does anything else to show he gives a damn. But I just can’t let it go for some stupid fucking reason. 

I’m finally getting back to the gym today after work. I’ve been running, but I don’t think I’ve been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. Not looking forward to it, but at least it should help with all the fucking food I ate. 

Sorry for all the swearing, I’m just really unhappy.

Oh, also, my ex D (who I broke up with 3 years ago) has started talking to me again. I never want to get back into that relationship – I was more like D’s mother than his girlfriend and he relied on me for literally everything and it was just bad bad bad. We fought a lot. But its nice to have someone interested in my life and how things have been. Not like I told him much, but he knows I’m unhappy so *shrug*

I should probably go get ready for work, since I have to leave in 20 minutes and I’m still in my PJs.