I BLEW my diet yesterday. Just… done. Out of the water. Binge binge binge. I was PMSing and stoned and just said fuck it and ate and ate and ate. I ended up at like 1780 for the day… I was supposed to stay under 1000! OMFG. Ugh. At least I went for a 2 mile walk. And I kicked my ass and made myself go out for a run today even though it is still disgustingly hot and humid and I thought I was going to die after only 2 miles. I’m so disgusted with myself. To make up for this, I am going to extend this to 11 days. I fucked up one day, so stick another day on the end. So 4 more days of under 1000, including today. Hopefully I get this desire to binge under control.

Tomorrow I can finally submit my application for optometry school… and I’m still missing 2 letters of recommendation. FUCK. I don’t know what I’m going to do. My one professor never got back to me even though I emailed AND texted him (he was my independent study professor). I guess I’ll try to call his office tomorrow and see if I can leave a message or something with one of his research assistants. And I’ll have to email the other professor today or tomorrow as well. I also need to trim down my essay. Fuuuccccckkkk.

I also have to completely break down my big tank today. All of the little platy fish succumbed to the internal parasites and died, so I need to move my clown pleco (algae eater) into a quarantine tank (which will be miserable for him since its only a gallon) and then break down the big tank and bleach EVERYTHING. Then rinse it REALLY REALLY REALLY well and let it all air dry. Then, tomorrow, I can reset it up. New filter, new water, new everything. Start the cycle alllll over. Ugh. This tank was almost in a healthy place and then it just exploded. More work to do.

At least I didn’t have to go to work yesterday. Friday afternoon I ended up getting a migraine and I left work an hour and a half early. Then yesterday I woke up still with the headache and was able to not go into work at all. Head still hurts today, but I couldn’t not run AGAIN. So I ran anyway. But yesterday I was literally the laziest bum. I smoked 3 times and just laid around and did nothing. It was so nice. I miss being able to do that on a more regular basis; I really need those days. When I first moved home, before I started working full time, I did that nearly every day. **sigh** I can’t wait to get back to school. I don’t like working full time. I like the college set up. I know optometry school will be completely until undergrad or the master’s program I was in, but I think it will be better than this. Fall 2014 can’t come quick enough.

The loneliness is still ever present. I still have no social life. I’m still by myself all the time. I don’t know if I’ll even make it to Fall 2014 like this.

Right now I am eating lunch at work. We are having a special presentation and the presenter bought lunch. Everyone else in the office is eating pizza. But because of my no processed foods week thing (aka my excuse to not eat junk while I am doing under 1000 cal for 10 days) I got a salad. And I can smell the pizza. And it smells so good. Fuck.

In other news, I attempted a 4 mile run this morning. In 80ºF heat. With 80% humidity. Not my smartest move. I ended up walking at least a mile by the time I was done…but I never stopped (except when my ponytail fell out but that was less than a mile in and I was still feeling good). Yesterday I ran 2 miles and went to the gym and tomorrow I am doing that again.

I don’t even know where my brain is at right now. If I am not at work I am either exercising, taking care of my fish, or I am high. That way I just don’t have to deal with all the shit. I just can’t anymore.

After today I will be halfway through my 10 day under 1000 cal crunch. I will have one big cheat day (to help spike my metabolism) when it’s over, then another week of under 1000 cal. 

My weight FINALLY went down today… the fact that I’m doing this while I’m PMSing is making me frustrated because my weight isn’t going down even though I’m barely eating and exercising like crazy. Seriously. Monday I ran 2 miles and went to the gym and did abs, Tuesday I didn’t have time to work out, and yesterday I burned over 300cal on the elliptical. This morning I already ran another 2 miles and I’m going to the gym tonight for chest, back, and triceps. Tomorrow is a 4 mile run, although I MAY put it off until Saturday because of the humidity around here…it’s supposed to finally break this weekend. This morning I went out at 7:30am and while it wasn’t too hot I felt like I was actually moving through the air it was so thick. Ew. 

In other news, 4 of my 5 platy fish in my big tank are dead due to an internal parasitic infection that just showed up Tuesday morning. I think my clown pleco in that tank is still doing ok (last time I check he was alive and fine), but I have no hope for the last platy. **sigh** I went from a 6 fish healthy tank to a 2 fish sick sick sick tank. Fuck.

At least my little tank seems to be doing ok **knocks on wood** I should be able to get a betta in there when I come back from Alaska.

Oh yeah. I’m going to Alaska for a week with the family from like July 27-August 3 or something. Exactly a month away. I’m hoping, since it’s a cruise, that I will still be able to work out a lot on the ship. I know that on one of our explore Alaska days we are doing rock climbing, repelling, and zip lining so that will be good exercise. I’m half looking forward to this trip because I’m excited to do cool things in Alaska, but I’m also not looking forward to it because there are a lot of other things I’d like to do with my vacation time/I won’t be able to smoke at all/my options for food are going to probably be more high calorie. I guess I have a month to figure out how to fall asleep without weed. Maybe I’ll just stock up on ZzzQuil. 

So today is Day 4… 

Day 2 I went over by 195cal but I worked out and burned 300 so **shrug** I didn’t meet my goal, but I didn’t fuck up royally, either.

Day 3 I went over by 80 because I spent from 7pm until I went to sleep at 11 high. Which was really nice but also caused munchies.

So yesterday I invented these little things… they are pretty good and all natural and 50 cals each. I used bakers chocolate, which is 100% pure chocolate (slightly processed obviously to get chocolate from cocoa beans but nothing is added so close enough), all natural powdered peanut butter (one serving, which is 2tbsp of the powdered pb and 1tbsp of water, is 45cal), and raw honey. I melted the chocolate (3 servings, so 210 cals) and mixed it in with the pb (3 servings, 135 cals) and 1tbps of raw honey (60 cals). It comes out to 405 cals for the whole thing. Then I rolled it into 8 little balls, each one being 50 calories, and stuck them in the fridge. They are a little dry and probably could have used a little raw sugar too (or more pb or both) but really good for kicking my sweet craving while I’m doing this. I could probably make even smaller balls, like 25 cals each, next time. 

My goal for today is to actually do what I said I would do – that is, stay under 1000 cals for my intake NO MATTER WHAT and also go to the gym and burn around 300cals. 

My workout schedule got so fucked up because its too hot and humid to run outside during waking hours. Stupid swamp weather. You’d think I live IN A SWAMP, but no. I live outside of Philadelphia, which was built on a swamp, and therefore we still get all the lovely side effects of swamp weather without the actual swamp. Guh. Unless you’ve lived here, you have no idea how bad it gets. My friends in RI never believed me until they visited. And this week is just awful. I just want to run outsiddeeeeeeee.

In other news, my big tank is dying and I’ll probably have to completely start over once everyone dies. Stupid fucking unknown fish disease. 

Oh, also, my coworker left work early and isn’t coming in the rest of the week because of her depression. If only I could do the same thing… too bad I refuse to make my battle public. I say it isn’t fair, but it’s my own damn fault that I’m not seeking treatment and therefore can’t get that lovely little doctor’s note she can. Also, my dad is our boss, and therefore even if I got help I would have to tell my parents about it if I wanted off from work and I really can’t do that so… yeah. It just sucks. 

For those of you who didn’t see my pulses:

Livejournal: shad0wsneedlite.livejournal.com I MAY DELETE THIS BECAUSE I REALLY AM NOT FINDING LIVEJOURNAL TO BE USER FRIENDLY. BUT I AM THERE FOR NOW.

Because I’m so unhappy with Livejournal, I also have created a Blogger: shad0wsneedlight.blogspot.com 

I am finding Blogger to be infinitely better thusfar. Haven’t posted much in either case. Still working out the privacy and how that will work. I don’t want to do anything too drastic privacy-wise until I find everyone I need to find, but unfortunately that also means that I won’t be posting much of substance until I get all of that worked out.

Please please please, if you are on either of those sites, find me and add me if I haven’t contacted you about it already.

Today starts my 10 day crunch. 10 days of no processed foods and no more than 1000 calories. 

I don’t feel as committed to it today as I did yesterday. Yesterday I kicked my ass on the elliptical and was 100% on board with starting this thing. Today I’m just…blah. I’m miserable and unhappy and I just can’t get excited or motivated for anything. And I woke up way too late to run today – it’s too hot and humid out now. Which kind of brings me down because I really wanted to run today. Well, actually, I shouldn’t say that I really WANTED to run today. I’m just trying to get back on my running schedule and it’s been tough since I was so sore from the gym most of this past week and I have been running like shit and I really wanted to go out and have a good run today to prove I can still do it. I’m going to have to run at 7am tomorrow morning to avoid the heat since it’s only going to get hotter. Fuck. I just… don’t trust myself to do it. I don’t trust myself to stick with this or with anything because I’m just so depressed and unmotivated now. 

I’ve been TRYING, really hard, to keep myself occupied. I got breakfast with a friend I don’t see much on Friday, I made plans with B last night (which was really nice), and I made plans with another friend I don’t see very often for tomorrow. I sent an email this morning to my local community concert band to see if they have room for me. I’ve been going to the gym a lot. I’m trying SO HARD to keep myself busy and surrounded by people and it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m miserable and so alone and I hate everything and I just want to disappear and start all over somewhere else. Or die. Dying could be nice. I’m just so tired of feeling like this. So, so tired. 

And I feel ridiculous for trying to relapse. Because I am. I was recovering, eating nearly healthy amounts for healthy weightloss and exercising on a healthy and approved schedule. But I’m not getting the results I want and I feel like I look fatter now than when I started (even though I have lost weight since then) and I just want my ED back so I can at least be happy with one aspect of my life. Because, for me, there is no pride in saying “I’m being healthy!” if I still look like a motherfucking whale. I just… I want something. Anything. I want something to hold on to, something to throw myself into. Something that will let me look in the mirror at the end of the day and say “I made progress.” And right now nothing makes me feel that way. 

Maybe I’ll take myself and my laptop down to Starbucks later and work on my book or something. I don’t know. I need to get out of my house. I wish I had someone to hang out with, but as nearly all of my friends are no longer making time for me, that’s not likely.

It’s amazing what triggers my anxiety.

Joy changed her profile picture on FB to a pic of her and our mutual friend K (the one who is undeniably on my side, although Joy doesn’t know that). And even though I KNOW K is on my side, and that K is fed up with Joy, it still hurt me. That she still spends time with Joy… even though I know they are still sort of friends. K, like me, is annoying with Joy but doesn’t want to tell her that. Unfortunately, I had to tell Joy because she confronted me about us not talking (the blow out we had that I spoke of briefly) and now Joy and I aren’t speaking, I don’t know if the BFX is mad at me about it but he is barely answering my texts since then (I really need to stop talking to him but I can’t) and I can’t ask him because I promised him no more serious discussions (stupid), and then even though K knows about all of this I see that she still hung out with Joy and had a good time. And its SO STUPID and it shouldn’t matter but for some reason it just made my anxiety spike and now I’m really upset again. 

My weight is still up from last Sunday. Anxiety spike.

M and big bro are both OFFICIALLY back in relationships now. And while I am happy for them, seeing it on my newsfeed on FB hurt me. At least big brother had the decency to tell me that he was probably getting back together with his ex; for M, I knew he was seeing someone but he never told me she agreed to be his girlfriend. I’m supposed to be his best friend. He called me his best friend. I feel like he should want to tell me things. He usually does. But not now. It just feels, to me, like more proof that he doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. And with a new gf he is going to make even less time for me… not like he ever made time for me before. And OF COURSE he gets a girlfriend the month after we sleep together. Like. What timing. 

I can’t have Xanga disappear. It is literally the only social media site where my anxiety doesn’t really get triggered. Even Tumblr is turning into a nightmare for me. I just…I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. 

Maybe if I can get my full force ED behavior to come back I’ll have a visible excuse to go to inpatient and people won’t judge me as much. Because mental illness you can’t see doesn’t seem to be good enough. I am SO FUCKED UP to think this is a good idea. Well, I know it’s a bad idea. I know its stupid and illogical. But I want it because nothing else is working. And I can’t just take myself to inpatient. That’s like saying “oh hey! I’m suicidal nearly every minute of my life but I’m still a functioning human being with a full time job and fish tanks and I still eat and do all the normal people things… but you should just believe me that I’m severely depressed and anxious every minute of every day and take me in.” Nope. It doesn’t work that way. That’s when all my friends go “wtf is wrong with you” and leave me… as if they haven’t already. But if I have a visible reason to go – if I actually attempt or if I’m starving myself or something – then all of a sudden it’s “omfg we love you so much and we will support you until you get better.” I’ve watched both cases happen – the guy I know who took himself to inpatient was viewed – is viewed – as cracked out and crazy. The girl who went in for anorexia still had a lot of whispering about her but her family and close friends were so helpful and supportive. 

God, this is so stupid. I’m so stupid. Everything is so fucked up.

Please just let me disappear already. 

Starting Sunday (since I always start my calorie weeks on Sundays) I am going to attempt to do 10 days of under 1000cal INTAKES. Not nets, intakes. 10 days. I know I can do that. I know I can. I just need to make sure to get plenty of protein and fiber in what I do eat; I will have to make careful about what foods I choose. I need to still be able to do my running and gym workouts. But my weight has actually gone back up despite staying under my BMR in intake every day and although my mom thinks I’m crazy I definitely think that I look like I’ve regained the 2lb the scale is telling me I regained and then some. 1000 calorie days for 10 days. Starting Sunday. I can do it. 

I’d say that I’ll update more later, but there isn’t really anything else to say. Work sucks, M has a girlfriend now so he’s never going to have time for me (not like he wants to see me anyway or talk to me about anything of worth; he just keeps trying to pawn me off to therapy because I’m too much work), and my big brother got back together with his ex so there goes our time together (luckily gym time for him is sacred so I’ll still see him then, but last night he cut off my workout after only half an hour because he had to go meet her). Joy and I still haven’t talked since our fight on Tuesday. So be it. 

Grabbing breakfast with a friend, gotta leave in 20 minutes and I’m still in my towel, so yeah. 

Time to start focusing on what I can control (my weight and eating and exercise) and not on what I can’t (how alone I am/how little time my “friends” make for me anymore). I can do this.

Somehow since Sunday I’ve gained 3lb. I know a lot of it is bloat because it’s the week before my period and I’m severely dehydrated as always and some of it might be muscle since I’ve been going to the gym, but I’ve been thinking for a little while now that I look bigger instead of smaller (even though until now I’ve been plateaued or losing). And honestly, it doesn’t matter to me if I’m gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. Its been 12 weeks and I’ve only lost 8lb. Unacceptable. Less than a pound a week. So I’m stepping it up again.

I’m only counting cardio exercise as output. Weight training is not output, since even though it burns cals it builds muscles which weighs more. I know this makes zero logical sense, but oh well. 

I also NEED to get my intakes under control. Right now my nets have been in the “healthy” range and clearly that isn’t working. Back to getting nets under 1000, if I can. I hope I haven’t lost that much willpower.

I literally have nothing left to lose, I already want to die, so who cares if I hurt myself this way? Better than cutting again I guess (and I’m only not cutting because I have a full body check at the dermatologist in August and I want these fucking scars to go away before then so I don’t have a lot of explaining to do).

Maybe I can get a good diet pill to help me too… I need to get this fat away so I can be fit and skinny and see a number that makes me happy again. Because then at least one thing in my life will be going in the right direction.

I may or may not post again later… it will depend on if I need to vent or not I guess. It’s just been so hard to get through work days lately. 

My mother is a fucking PSYCHOLOGIST. And yet when I try to tell her I am unhappy with my life, she brushes me off. She doesn’t try to help me figure it out, she just says “that’s life” and yells at me.
Meanwhile I have told my dad multiple times why it matters to me that I am treated with respect and like I am a competent professional (which I am), but when his busimess partner is am ass to me I’m supposed to shrug it off. I am TIRED of having to prove that I know what I am doing every day because I look young and get accused of nepotism. But despite me explaining that to him multiple times, he is still brushing it off.
Meanwhile Joy and I had a blowout yesterday, M says he is worried about me but then does NOTHING to help me but try to pawn me off to in patient, my big brother was an ass last night and made me feel guilty for being injured, my sister makes zero time for me even though I go so out of my way for her… and I am just done with it. No one cares or even tries to act like my problems matter or that I matter. I am just another problem.
I just want to go away and never come back. Or just die.