June 23, 2013
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Day 1
Today starts my 10 day crunch. 10 days of no processed foods and no more than 1000 calories.
I don’t feel as committed to it today as I did yesterday. Yesterday I kicked my ass on the elliptical and was 100% on board with starting this thing. Today I’m just…blah. I’m miserable and unhappy and I just can’t get excited or motivated for anything. And I woke up way too late to run today – it’s too hot and humid out now. Which kind of brings me down because I really wanted to run today. Well, actually, I shouldn’t say that I really WANTED to run today. I’m just trying to get back on my running schedule and it’s been tough since I was so sore from the gym most of this past week and I have been running like shit and I really wanted to go out and have a good run today to prove I can still do it. I’m going to have to run at 7am tomorrow morning to avoid the heat since it’s only going to get hotter. Fuck. I just… don’t trust myself to do it. I don’t trust myself to stick with this or with anything because I’m just so depressed and unmotivated now.
I’ve been TRYING, really hard, to keep myself occupied. I got breakfast with a friend I don’t see much on Friday, I made plans with B last night (which was really nice), and I made plans with another friend I don’t see very often for tomorrow. I sent an email this morning to my local community concert band to see if they have room for me. I’ve been going to the gym a lot. I’m trying SO HARD to keep myself busy and surrounded by people and it doesn’t seem to matter. I’m miserable and so alone and I hate everything and I just want to disappear and start all over somewhere else. Or die. Dying could be nice. I’m just so tired of feeling like this. So, so tired.
And I feel ridiculous for trying to relapse. Because I am. I was recovering, eating nearly healthy amounts for healthy weightloss and exercising on a healthy and approved schedule. But I’m not getting the results I want and I feel like I look fatter now than when I started (even though I have lost weight since then) and I just want my ED back so I can at least be happy with one aspect of my life. Because, for me, there is no pride in saying “I’m being healthy!” if I still look like a motherfucking whale. I just… I want something. Anything. I want something to hold on to, something to throw myself into. Something that will let me look in the mirror at the end of the day and say “I made progress.” And right now nothing makes me feel that way.
Maybe I’ll take myself and my laptop down to Starbucks later and work on my book or something. I don’t know. I need to get out of my house. I wish I had someone to hang out with, but as nearly all of my friends are no longer making time for me, that’s not likely.
Comments (4)
You sound conflicted : ( I think now’s a good time to really think about which path you want to take, even though depression makes one’s thinking rather murky.
The only reason I manage to walk everyday is because of my boyfriend. He lives in another town but we still go walking at the same time. He always makes me when I don’t want to and vice-versa. I’ve learned that in order for me to do pretty much anything, I need some external push. So if it helps, get a friend or fellow xangan to push you to do the things you want or need to do. Whether it’s eating healthy, exercising, restricting, whatever you decide to do. Please take care, and the best of luck to you with the 10 day crunch : )
@A_bunch_of_nothing - I’m not conflicted. I know what I want to do. It’s just hard, with the depression, to make myself do it. It’s hard to see the point when I just want to roll over and die. You’re 100% right though about needing a buddy. I have a gym buddy, but he just pisses me off half the time that I’m there with him (but he knows how to train properly and I don’t yet so I still need him around, and I know he’s just trying to help me). I think I need someone to remind me why it’s all important – the restricting, the exercising, the running. But I don’t have anyone in my life that can do that for me right now, I’m not super close with anyone who is active on Xanga anymore, and I can’t ask anyone I know IRL because my only friend that understand where I’m coming from is trying to recover, not relapse. **sigh** I’ll work on it. Thank you for your support <3
If you ever need anything, reminders or an extra push, just let me know. I don’t mind to help.
@A_bunch_of_nothing - Ahhh thank you so much <3 I really really appreciate it!