July 17, 2013

• 10 Days Until Alaska

  …and I’ve gone backwards. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Sunday I weighed in at 129.0. I started in MARCH at 137.0. THAT’S ONLY 8 FREAKING POUNDS IN LIKE 4 MONHTS. It’s pathetic! Now, I know for a fact that it’s mostly because I’ve gained a lot of muscle (I have pictures under the cut). I think that I look better now than I did at 121, my lowest weight ever. And I know that my 130.5lb weigh in today (which is the highest I’ve had in a month) is just bloating because I’m getting my period in the next couple of days and because I’m seriously dehydrated (even though I try to make myself drink enough water). I’m just so frustrated! I’ve counted every calorie, only given myself two real cheat days, and worked out according to schedule and made up EVERY SINGLE MISSED WORKOUT for 4 fucking months!!! 4 months. And I’ve only lost 8 lb. And today apparently I gained 1.5 back. What the actual fuck. I just. I can’t deal with it. I can rationalize it and tell myself its muscle and tell myself its bloating but my ED brain is screaming and crying and throwing a fit and nothing logical matters. I’m fat. I’m getting fat again. And despite all of the hard work and effort I’ve put in for the last 4 months, I’m not making much progress. But I am. But it doesn’t matter. 

  Ok. Below the cut are “progress” pictures from my entire time here on Xanga – my big Xanga goodbye (although I’ll probably still post here until I leave for Alaska). Not everything is labeled in my computer, so I’m going on memory for some of the captions. (The captions go with the photo above them)

  

  So I actually don’t have any photos of me at my LW of 121, but this was me (pre-Xanga) at 17 at 128lb. I was sucking in here and angled my body to hide my tummy.

  

  These were my first “before” photos. This was Spring 2011, I was 20 years old, about a year after I joined Xanga. I believe I weighed around 135lb when I took these pictures. 

  

  These pics are from the next semester, around mid-October 2011. Between the last pictures and these, I dropped down to 125lb, but I have no pictures from that time period because I was insanely depressed. Regardless, after going back to school Fall 2011 I ate my feelings. I was 142lb in these pictures, but I ended up going up to 146lb. Obviously I didn’t want to take any pics at that point, so none exist, but I promise I still had a little lumpy belly.

  

  Sorry I took these straight off my phone and I can’t figure out how to rotate them back to normal. But these are from Spring 2012, Aprilish to be exact… so 6 months after the last pics. I think I was around 132lb in these pictures, since that is what I graduated college at. I think. It may have been 130lb. I honestly don’t remember.

  

  This was me at the end of summer 2012. I’m laying down so my belly looks flat, but it really really wasn’t. I was 128lb in this photo.

   

   

   

  

  This is from this past January. I believe I was around 135 in this pic. I still have a bit of a belly and I was already wearing spanx. I know you can’t get a good idea of how I look here, but this is literally the only photo I have from my recent high weight period (I got up to 137 about a month after this picture, which is my SW for this losing cycle) where I’m not wearing an oversized sweater.

  

  Now these are from about 2 or 3 weeks ago, around 129-130lb. This is pretty much how I look now as well (and again, sorry for the rotation issue). So yes, my stomach is more flat than its ever been, you can see my collarbones… and I’ve clearly lost boobage and you can still tell that I’ve lost weight in other places, too, and yet I’m still at a higher weight than in the beach picture from last summer. And I’m around the same weight, maybe 1 or 2lbs less, than the pics from April 2012, but I think I significantly smaller. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. I don’t know. Regardless, this is how I look now. 

  So yeah. I’m frustrated. I’ve been working my butt off and even though this is the best I’ve looked, it’s clearly still far from skinny. AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

  • 11:20 am
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