July 21, 2013
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6 Days Until Alaska
And I fucked up my intake last night. It was an accident. I thought I grabbed 2 diet iced teas but 1 was regular and I didn’t realize until after I ate it. And then I didn’t realize that the snack I grabbed had 2 servings in it until after I was done that, either. So fuck. I wanted my week before Alaska to have intakes of less than 1000 but now, because of my slips last night, yesterday was at over 2000. FUCK.
I was supposed to have an official weigh in today but I’m going to put it off until tomorrow because yesterday sucked.
And now, if you still care about any of my depressed crap, you can continue reading.
I was actually doing better.
Don’t get me wrong, anxiety and depression still controlled my life, but I wasn’t quite as suicidal. I think, since I wrote that long philosophical thing, that I came to a kind of peace with how things were.
Then I had a dream last night that kind of sucked. I don’t remember much of it but I remember that I had a boyfriend and he practically let me get raped. And then he acted like everything was fine. And then I had to go on and figure out how to keep everyone alive. I really don’t remember many details besides that, but I didn’t want to get out of bed when I woke up.
And now I’m back to being depressed and suicidal. Like, that dream or the sleep I got last night or something just set me back again. I don’t even know. I know it’s so stupid but… *sigh*
It also doesn’t help that I saw a guy I like again Friday night. He’s one of those guys that I can forget about when I don’t see him but then as soon as we are in the same place again I remember that I like him and it sucks. I was trying pretty hard to make it clear Friday night that I was interested but he wasn’t picking up on it. I don’t think he has any interest in me. I need to just let that one go.
At least I get to visit one of my good friends in prison Monday. I miss him so much. He’s such a great friend. Although his recent(ish) decision to join the ministry has kind of been rubbing me the wrong way. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he has found direction and purpose in a life that sends most in the other direction, but he is just SO into Jesus and I am so…not. I’ve been raised Jewish and I view myself, religiously, as a mix of Jewish and agnostic (although I am definitely culturally Jewish). He was courteous enough to ask me before sending me his church’s news letter, but I still get a few Bible quotes in every letter. This letter he told me, among other Jesus related things, that he believes God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I sent him back a hand written version of my philosophical blog rant from after I finished “Looking for Alaska.” So we’ll see how that goes over. He won’t get that letter until about a week after he sees me.
Now I’m reading “The Fault in Our Stars.” Everyone that has read the book seems so obsessed with Augustus Waters. I think he’s a fake character. No guy behaves the way Augustus behaves. And if he does, 9 times out of 10, in real life he replaces that persona with a scarily different one in the upcoming weeks/months. Maybe its different because the characters have cancer. Maybe its different because its a freaking work of fiction. But so far I’m not a huge fan of Augustus. I just wanted to read this book to see if I get anything else out of it the way I got something out of “Forbidden” and “Looking for Alaska.” These books… they make me think. They make my world move, like if someone came into your house and shifted all the furniture by 4 inches. And I want more of it.
