June 22, 2013
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Triggers
It’s amazing what triggers my anxiety.
Joy changed her profile picture on FB to a pic of her and our mutual friend K (the one who is undeniably on my side, although Joy doesn’t know that). And even though I KNOW K is on my side, and that K is fed up with Joy, it still hurt me. That she still spends time with Joy… even though I know they are still sort of friends. K, like me, is annoying with Joy but doesn’t want to tell her that. Unfortunately, I had to tell Joy because she confronted me about us not talking (the blow out we had that I spoke of briefly) and now Joy and I aren’t speaking, I don’t know if the BFX is mad at me about it but he is barely answering my texts since then (I really need to stop talking to him but I can’t) and I can’t ask him because I promised him no more serious discussions (stupid), and then even though K knows about all of this I see that she still hung out with Joy and had a good time. And its SO STUPID and it shouldn’t matter but for some reason it just made my anxiety spike and now I’m really upset again.
My weight is still up from last Sunday. Anxiety spike.
M and big bro are both OFFICIALLY back in relationships now. And while I am happy for them, seeing it on my newsfeed on FB hurt me. At least big brother had the decency to tell me that he was probably getting back together with his ex; for M, I knew he was seeing someone but he never told me she agreed to be his girlfriend. I’m supposed to be his best friend. He called me his best friend. I feel like he should want to tell me things. He usually does. But not now. It just feels, to me, like more proof that he doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. And with a new gf he is going to make even less time for me… not like he ever made time for me before. And OF COURSE he gets a girlfriend the month after we sleep together. Like. What timing.
I can’t have Xanga disappear. It is literally the only social media site where my anxiety doesn’t really get triggered. Even Tumblr is turning into a nightmare for me. I just…I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.
Maybe if I can get my full force ED behavior to come back I’ll have a visible excuse to go to inpatient and people won’t judge me as much. Because mental illness you can’t see doesn’t seem to be good enough. I am SO FUCKED UP to think this is a good idea. Well, I know it’s a bad idea. I know its stupid and illogical. But I want it because nothing else is working. And I can’t just take myself to inpatient. That’s like saying “oh hey! I’m suicidal nearly every minute of my life but I’m still a functioning human being with a full time job and fish tanks and I still eat and do all the normal people things… but you should just believe me that I’m severely depressed and anxious every minute of every day and take me in.” Nope. It doesn’t work that way. That’s when all my friends go “wtf is wrong with you” and leave me… as if they haven’t already. But if I have a visible reason to go – if I actually attempt or if I’m starving myself or something – then all of a sudden it’s “omfg we love you so much and we will support you until you get better.” I’ve watched both cases happen – the guy I know who took himself to inpatient was viewed – is viewed – as cracked out and crazy. The girl who went in for anorexia still had a lot of whispering about her but her family and close friends were so helpful and supportive.
God, this is so stupid. I’m so stupid. Everything is so fucked up.
Please just let me disappear already.
