In 5 hours and 15 minutes, I will be waking up to head to the airport. In 8 hours and 15 minutes, my plane will be (presumably) taking off for Vancouver. This time tomorrow, I will be with one of my friends from college who lives in Vancouver. In approximately 37 hours, I will be leaving the port on my first ever cruise, destination – Alaska. 

The last 24 hours have been nothing but a nightmare. I hung out with the HSF last night and it was fun but then she totally took advantage of me (not intentionally) and I ended up getting home an hour and a half later than I wanted to. I confronted her about it today, but she has yet to reply. *sigh* Regardless, that lateness home resulted in me not being able to pack last night, which means that this morning I had to pack instead of going on the elliptical. So that was fucking with my head all day. And then I ate. A lot. Out of stress. I just ate and ate and ate. I’m probably at 1700 cals today, if not more. I gave up keeping track. It’s too much for me. I know it’s still a “healthy” amount but numbers that high really upset me and fuck with my head. And of course since I’m upset I DEAL WITH IT BY EATING MORE. Omfg. It’s taking everything in me to not go get more food right now. But I digress. Work sucked, I sat around doing nothing over half the day and of course all I could think about was how much I could be getting done if I was home instead, but I couldn’t go home. Then when I finally DID get home, my mom and I got in a shouting match because she took it personally when I said I was tired and cranky. Like, I was warning her that I’m tired and cranky and she starts shit with me. WTF. Being alone with my family for the 9 days is going to be a disaster.

I set a new record yesterday though with my running. 5.28 miles, no stopping, no walking, and my average minutes per mile was 10:44. In the past, I’ve averaged around 11:00. And I’ve never run more than 4 miles in one go. And I haven’t been able to run 4 miles without walking a little in a few weeks because of the damn heat and humidity. So yesterday’s run felt really good.

But anyway, I gotta go. I still need to finish and submit my optometry school application, put some songs on my iPod, and download a book from a list that I lost somewhere onto my tablet. And then, you know, sleep. For probably 3 hours. 

I also just realized that Xanga will be dead by the time I return home. That thought blows my mind. At least I’ll have wifi on the boat, so I can stay updated until the last minute. Geez. Xanga dying is so weird.

Fuck.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BECOME AS AFRAID OF CONTINUING TO LIVE AS YOU ARE OF DYING? WHEN LIFE BECOMES AS TERRIFYING AS DEATH?

I’ve gotta get to Alaska. I’ve gotta have a good time, make good memories for my parents and my sister. I have to be the best, most enthusiastic daughter I can be. Because when I get home… when I get home, I’m going to answer that question. One way or another, I’m going to answer it.

11 days until I come home from Alaska.

And I fucked up my intake last night. It was an accident. I thought I grabbed 2 diet iced teas but 1 was regular and I didn’t realize until after I ate it. And then I didn’t realize that the snack I grabbed had 2 servings in it until after I was done that, either. So fuck. I wanted my week before Alaska to have intakes of less than 1000 but now, because of my slips last night, yesterday was at over 2000. FUCK. 

I was supposed to have an official weigh in today but I’m going to put it off until tomorrow because yesterday sucked. 

And now, if you still care about any of my depressed crap, you can continue reading.

Continue reading →

…and I’ve gone backwards. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Sunday I weighed in at 129.0. I started in MARCH at 137.0. THAT’S ONLY 8 FREAKING POUNDS IN LIKE 4 MONHTS. It’s pathetic! Now, I know for a fact that it’s mostly because I’ve gained a lot of muscle (I have pictures under the cut). I think that I look better now than I did at 121, my lowest weight ever. And I know that my 130.5lb weigh in today (which is the highest I’ve had in a month) is just bloating because I’m getting my period in the next couple of days and because I’m seriously dehydrated (even though I try to make myself drink enough water). I’m just so frustrated! I’ve counted every calorie, only given myself two real cheat days, and worked out according to schedule and made up EVERY SINGLE MISSED WORKOUT for 4 fucking months!!! 4 months. And I’ve only lost 8 lb. And today apparently I gained 1.5 back. What the actual fuck. I just. I can’t deal with it. I can rationalize it and tell myself its muscle and tell myself its bloating but my ED brain is screaming and crying and throwing a fit and nothing logical matters. I’m fat. I’m getting fat again. And despite all of the hard work and effort I’ve put in for the last 4 months, I’m not making much progress. But I am. But it doesn’t matter. 

Ok. Below the cut are “progress” pictures from my entire time here on Xanga – my big Xanga goodbye (although I’ll probably still post here until I leave for Alaska). Not everything is labeled in my computer, so I’m going on memory for some of the captions. (The captions go with the photo above them)

Continue reading →

Today – Monday, July 15, 2013 – I finished reading “Looking for Alaska” by John Green. I don’t want to ruin the plot for anyone who has yet to read the book, but I’m going to mention some of the major plot points so you may not want to continue if you don’t like spoilers. Anyway, continuing on. Today I finished reading “Looking for Alaska.” It has been about 36 hours since Cory Monteith was found dead in a hotel room. It has been just over a week since I finished reading “Forbidden” by Tabitha Suzuma (there are spoilers for that, too). It has been nearly 4 months since my 19 year old neighbor committed suicide. It has been 5 months since I nearly killed myself the second time. It has been 7 months since my suicidal tendencies have resurfaced full force with only minor, sporadic breaks from such thoughts. It has been 7 years since I nearly killed myself the first time. It has been 8 years since I had my first real encounter with suicide when my band mate died. It has been 10 years since I was first introduced to the idea of self harm.

Continue reading →

I had an encounter today that really pissed me off. And I’m about to rant about it.

THIS RANT INVOLVES WEIGHT-RELATED ISSUES. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED OR IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY WEIGHT-RELATED TOPICS. THIS HAS BEEN A DISCLAIMER. THANK YOU.

Continue reading →

Xanga seems to be dying. I haven’t had any updates in my subs for a few days and no one is leaving footprints, either (and I have log in lock on and no anonymous browsing so everyone leaves footprints). What’s the point of them extending the deadline if everyone disappeared already?

I haven’t been doing much better. I hit a new LW for this weightloss cycle Thursday, but then I ate a ton that same day and yesterday I did ok but not great so I’ll probably be up again when I weigh in officially tomorrow. And I’m still stressed and depressed. My pleco died after I worked my ass off to save him – got killed by a tank heater that boiled him to death. I feel like its all my fault. And the goldfish is dying/might be dead as we speak because, with everything else going on, I forgot to feed him and I haven’t been doing water changes and that is the only tank not in my bedroom so I just forgot about him. I’m awful. I’m really, really awful. I can’t even keep my fish alive and that is my fucking hobby.

Still paranoid and upset about the Tumblr issue. The BFX is being weird. He’s on a trip right now for a research opportunity through our university so maybe he’s just distracted, but he’s apparently being an ass to Joy and he’s being kind of nice – but very very succinct – to me. Joy and K think I should stop talking to him. And I probably should have stopped talking to him months ago. It isn’t like he ever messages me first. Or does anything else to show he gives a damn. But I just can’t let it go for some stupid fucking reason. 

I’m finally getting back to the gym today after work. I’ve been running, but I don’t think I’ve been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. Not looking forward to it, but at least it should help with all the fucking food I ate. 

Sorry for all the swearing, I’m just really unhappy.

Oh, also, my ex D (who I broke up with 3 years ago) has started talking to me again. I never want to get back into that relationship – I was more like D’s mother than his girlfriend and he relied on me for literally everything and it was just bad bad bad. We fought a lot. But its nice to have someone interested in my life and how things have been. Not like I told him much, but he knows I’m unhappy so *shrug*

I should probably go get ready for work, since I have to leave in 20 minutes and I’m still in my PJs.

What happened Saturday with Tumblr has permanently affected me. 

I don’t trust anyone. I don’t trust anything. I don’t trust LiveJournal, even though it looks like I’ll have to head over there at the end of the month. (Speaking of, I’m really glad they extended the deadline, and because of that I will be putting off my goodbye Xanga post, but I digress). I don’t trust my private, password locked Tumblr. And I don’t trust Joy or the BFX or ANYONE anymore. I don’t know what anyone from RI is saying about me now. I don’t know who the chick told about my Tumblr. I don’t know what’s been said by parties other than myself or whom its been said to. Xanga is literally my last safe haven. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? Do I have to hold all of this in now? 

And on top of that, my clown pleco that I saved from my 20 gallon tank disaster is now showing signs of another very deadly disease and the primary standard treatment kills catfish (plecos are catfish). So I’ve been stressed as fuck about that and wasted an entire day that could have been used to treat him trying to figure out what to treat him with. So he won’t get treatment until tomorrow… I’ve done all that I can do in the meantime to slow the disease (add aquarium salt, increase the tank temp, and black out the tank since the disease agent is photosynthetic). Hopefully he lasts until I can treat him, and hopefully this secondary treatment is enough to take care of the disease. More stress.

I had something else to say but I can’t remember now. I guess I’ll just finish up by saying that the one good thing that has come out of this is that my eating has been more under control. My nets have been below 1000 all days except when I went to the amusement park on Monday, but I don’t even know if I calculated my outtake correctly for that day because I just walked around the park all day so who knows. Hopefully I can keep this up. My weight was down again this morning, lowest its been since October. Maybe I’ll actually reach my goal for Alaska… doubtful, but we’ll see.

Then again, if I’m even still alive to see Alaska it should be considered a success. 

I did well yesterday. Did my scheduled run, netted under 1000 (which is my goal these days. How fucking pathetic that I can’t restrict like I used to), cleaned my room, practiced clarinet for an audition.

Stuff I still need to do this morning: practice more before tomorrow, figure where I’m going for my audition tomorrow, clean the fish tanks, pack for the amusement park that I am going to in a few hours.

I’m just so over my life. I want to get better at restricting again so that I can just starve myself into suicide. But then I smoke and my mom cooks dinner and before you know it I’ve eaten more than enough for the day. But if I don’t smoke then I don’t function. I get so anxious and the only way to not just jump out my window is to smoke. My smoke breaks are how I am getting through life right now. And as much as I want to die, if I don’t keep functioning at a semi-normal level then people will get suspicious and then who knows what happens. No one wants me to break. Everyone just expects me to keep functioning, so I need to do that.

Tonight or tomorrow I am going to post my “Goodbye Xanga” post. I may or may not continue posting here after that. 

I have found that the community on LiveJournal is much more active and responsive than that on Blogger, so after Xanga dies you can permanently find me at shad0wsneedlite.livejournal.com. And if you have a LiveJournal, I highly recommend finding the xangaweightloss.livejournal.com community (which is sort of like groups here, but with a subscriptions feed. And you can choose to post in the group or to your page).

I’m still so shaken and fucked up from what happened on Saturday with the bitch and my private Tumblr. The BFX is mad at me, Joy is a wreck (not that that’s new), and I’m terrified to go on any social media (except this page because no one knows about this). What if she finds my LJ? What if she is still talking trash about me on Twitter? I don’t have a Twitter so I wouldn’t know; everything I’ve seen has been friends showing me. I know logically it doesn’t matter. I know that she is a bitch and if she has nothing better to do with her time then so be it. I know that the only people who will listen to her gossip are people that already dislike me… it’s just that that’s a lot of people in RI. **sigh** This is so fucked up. 

If I make it until morning it is going to be a miracle.

Bitch ruined everything. I was letting it go and then she attacked me on Twitter. In all fairness, I did put up a snarky Facebook status but IF SHE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG THEN SHE WOULD HAVE IGNORED IT. This fucking bitch. She violated Joy’s privacy and trust, went through her Facebook, found my private Tumblr URL and password, and spent over three quarters of an hour going through my blog. I have a tracker. I know that whoever did it was from the exact town this girl is from and they were using a Mac, which she has. And she posted a tweet earlier today about reading someones crappy blog. All of this THE DAY AFTER JOY GAVE HER HER FACEBOOK PASSWORD SO THE BITCH COULD HELP HER WITH SOME SECURITY ISSUES SHE WAS HAVING. Like, I’m not sure what other evidence I need. (P.S. If any of you are from northern New Jersey and use Safari web browser on a Mac OS and viewed my private Tumblr and I just don’t remember giving you the password, please let me know so I can put this behind me). 

The BFX doesn’t have my back. I don’t know why I told him. And Joy got drunk and she blames herself even though I really don’t blame her at all but the BFX is telling her to stay out of it even though a)she is supposed to be my best friend and be on my side and b)the stupid bitch violated Joy’s trust and Joy’s privacy by going through Joy’s Facebook and getting the information in the first place. So Joy has every damn right to involve herself. But he is just “staying out of it,” even though the evidence is all in my favor, because he says there are “too many sides.” 

When we were dating, he never took my side. He never had my back. Other people could say shit about me and treat me like crap and he let it go but if I said anything negative about anyone he even sort of liked I was this awful person. It’s been that way forever. And clearly tonight is no different. Even when everything in the world is saying that I’m correct he can’t have my back. He just won’t. I don’t know what it is about me or what I’ve done to him but he won’t ever, EVER be on my side. I don’t know why I thought he would now. It’s my own fault for having expectations for him that were clearly too high.

I just want to disappear. I want to go away and never, ever come back. Cut off contact with everyone and just leave. 

I feel like if I don’t leave, I’m going to die.

I am going to die.