July 8, 2013
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19 Days
I did well yesterday. Did my scheduled run, netted under 1000 (which is my goal these days. How fucking pathetic that I can’t restrict like I used to), cleaned my room, practiced clarinet for an audition.
Stuff I still need to do this morning: practice more before tomorrow, figure where I’m going for my audition tomorrow, clean the fish tanks, pack for the amusement park that I am going to in a few hours.
I’m just so over my life. I want to get better at restricting again so that I can just starve myself into suicide. But then I smoke and my mom cooks dinner and before you know it I’ve eaten more than enough for the day. But if I don’t smoke then I don’t function. I get so anxious and the only way to not just jump out my window is to smoke. My smoke breaks are how I am getting through life right now. And as much as I want to die, if I don’t keep functioning at a semi-normal level then people will get suspicious and then who knows what happens. No one wants me to break. Everyone just expects me to keep functioning, so I need to do that.
Tonight or tomorrow I am going to post my “Goodbye Xanga” post. I may or may not continue posting here after that.
I have found that the community on LiveJournal is much more active and responsive than that on Blogger, so after Xanga dies you can permanently find me at shad0wsneedlite.livejournal.com. And if you have a LiveJournal, I highly recommend finding the xangaweightloss.livejournal.com community (which is sort of like groups here, but with a subscriptions feed. And you can choose to post in the group or to your page).
I’m still so shaken and fucked up from what happened on Saturday with the bitch and my private Tumblr. The BFX is mad at me, Joy is a wreck (not that that’s new), and I’m terrified to go on any social media (except this page because no one knows about this). What if she finds my LJ? What if she is still talking trash about me on Twitter? I don’t have a Twitter so I wouldn’t know; everything I’ve seen has been friends showing me. I know logically it doesn’t matter. I know that she is a bitch and if she has nothing better to do with her time then so be it. I know that the only people who will listen to her gossip are people that already dislike me… it’s just that that’s a lot of people in RI. **sigh** This is so fucked up.
