I’m just getting so overwhelmed and depressed again. Down down down. I feel so alone.

Intake for Sunday, April 28:

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First, a quick side note: Joy’s private Tumblr has a post saying “Why is it that anybody that matters to me just ends up hating me?” Well honey, I can answer that question. It’s because YOU DON’T ACT LIKE WE MATTER TO YOU UNLESS WE ARE PHYSICALLY IN FRONT OF YOU. And then you lie. You are a selfish little attention seeker and that attention is more important to you than your “best friends.” THAT is why people who matter to you end up hating you. Because you don’t actually care about us as much as you think you do. You only care about yourself that much. You think you’re so goddamn selfless but you really aren’t. And sometimes it’s ok to be selfish. Sometimes you need to do things for you. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. You are hurting me more than you would be hurt if you didn’t do what you’re doing. Open your fucking eyes. I’ve called you out and screamed at you for what you’ve done wrong and YOU STILL HAVEN’T CHANGED A GODDAMN THING ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS you just stopped talking to me about it. Which doesn’t make it better. 

Ok, now to the point: Yesterday I ended up having wayyyy more calories than I wanted to/should have, but it still wasn’t awful. I just keep trying to remind myself that I’m still generally eating under what is considered a healthy weightloss amount even though to me it seems like a lot. I can feel my mentality shifting. Just a few weeks ago I was telling myself 1300 was a good amount. Now I’m telling myself that it’s way too much. This is what happens when I shift from a period of binging to a period of starving. Is it bad that I’m happy that I’m getting my starving mentality back? I just want to lose the weight. 

But at least the reason that I had too many calories was, in part, because I went out to Dave and Buster’s with my best friend and we had a BLAST. The only thing is that we both look like we are under 18 (even though I’m 22 and she is 18) and she forgot to bring ID (she doesn’t have her drivers license) so I bought beer just to keep the staff from getting suspicious since there are no minors allowed after 10pm on Fridays and Saturdays. But it was a great time. I’m so glad we ended up doing that.

Anyway, intake stuff for Saturday, April 27:

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I was going to post today about my philosophy on “everything happens for a reason.” Because sometimes I agree and sometimes I disagree and I’ve disagreed for a while now but now I’m starting to possibly agree again so I was going to go into all of that. And then I was possibly going to talk about my Israeli friend a little bit because I’m still kinda confused by that whole situation and my thoughts about it high and my thoughts about it sober are not the same thoughts.

BUT now I am so angry that I can’t even think about anything else. Joy. I can’t even deal with her anymore. She told me she was trying to not be as close with the BFX. She told me that she doesn’t like the immaturity of her new friends group. She told me that she doesn’t initiate stuff with the BFX anymore because he was super shitty to me for a super long time and he pretty much destroyed my life and as my best friend she should respect that. BUT once again SHE FUCKING LIED. She is fucking participating in their immature pranks (which she can’t stand when they are directed at her) and SHE is directing that immaturity at, surprise surprise, the BFX. Meaning she is initiating shit with him. Like, ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING LYING ALREADY. And how dare she call herself my best friend. Seriously. She doesn’t know shit about my life anymore. She doesn’t know how I’ve been unless she’s reading my personal Tumblr (which I have a counter on and I know no one has looked at in 2 days). I don’t think she even knows that I’ve changed career paths again. She never asks me how I am, she hasn’t asked how switching to full time is going. She only ever texts me when she’s stressed/anxious/gonna throw up/shaking/crying. Or now, when she’s drunk. I’m just so over it and so, so done. It just makes me so fucking angry at this point. Irrationally angry, really, because I knew to expect this from her. She’s a selfish lying little shit. AHHHHHH I wish I had someone IRL to vent to right now but my friend that I was talking to just stopped answering. I’m assuming she fell asleep. So blah. 

Just fuck everything. I’ve been nothing but stressed for the last few days and lo and behold when I finally start feeling sort of ok about things again SHE FUCKING PULLS THIS FUCKING SHIT. It’s just proof that she doesn’t actually give a shit about me, she only gives a shit about looking like she gives a shit about me. Even though the drunk texts I’m getting say “I wshy you ewre hur causr yo da bewst” and “yo da fuckin bestttt” (sic). Well if you really think I’m the best, then START FUCKING ACTING LIKE IT ALL THE TIME AND NOT JUST WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO ME. She’s so goddamn two-faced. 

Intake stuff:

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I hit a wall of depression today. For no apparent reason.

It was bad.

Even after an excellent tutoring session I just could not keep my mood up. Luckily I was able to reschedule my second tutoring session so I was able to get a smoke in, but after I smoke I become unproductive and bingey. And yes, I totally binged today. And did not work out. 

I have so much I need to do. SO. MUCH. And now I’m working full time on top of tutoring 4 hours a week. And I still need to do a lot of other stuff. But if I don’t find time to smoke and chill, I get stressed and anxious and depressed and slowly stop being functional. So nothing gets done. 

Also, STILL NOT LOSING WEIGHT. I’m keeping a log and looking back over the last month I should have lost more than the NOTHING I’ve lost since April began. I really, really should have. The majority of my nets have been at or under my BMR. And, according to most of what I’ve read and a few calculators I’ve played around with over the years, maintaining weight for someone who is somewhat active means adding 500+ to your BMR. Maintaining weight for someone who is totally sedentary means adding 300+ to your BMR. So if my nets are coming it at or under my BMR, that means I have a 300+ deficit, AT LEAST, every day in what my body is using vs what I’m consuming. Now, since I’m not perfect and I smoke too much, let’s say I meet this goal 5 days a week. The other two, I am still perfectly within “maintaining” limits. Every time. So that means that I have racked up a total deficit of AT LEAST 5,400 calories since April started. If you subscribe to the 3500 cal = 1lb fat idea, that means that I should have lost about a pound and a half. And even if you think that conversion is bologna, I still should have lost something. To top it all off, I am working my ass off to stay hydrated and unbloated and somehow I have woken up every morning for the last week both dehydrated and bloated and I just can’t. Make. It. Stop. I told myself I’d be at my second goal weight by May. Now I’ll just be happy if I even make my first. Fuck.

But at least work went sort of ok today. There wasn’t any big drama, although my two coworkers (the ones that have been working at the office for over 3 years each) were both very upset to hear about how things ended up playing out yesterday. They are glad that I got the computer, but they are also with me on my frustration about my dad not understanding why it matters. Because they see why it matters. I’m so glad they have my back. Q was pretty nice to me, too, so hopefully there isn’t too much resentment. Regardless, the second I left work was when my wall of depression hit. So. Bummer.

My insomnia also seems to have returned. I was starting to sleep on a normal human schedule but last night I was up very late and tomorrow seems to be following a similar pattern.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep living like this. I don’t know if I can. But I’m going to try, since there is really nothing else I can do at this point.

Today was shit.

tl;dr

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Last night’s date was just not good. First of all, I still don’t know anything about the guy because he was dull as a rock and had literally nothing to say about himself. Unintelligent, uninteresting, badbadbad. Plus I still don’t know how old he is, but even the waitress said he looked too old for me. Granted, she also didn’t believe that I was 22 until I showed her my license, but even after she knew that she was like “he seems like a creeper.” So yeah. Not seeing him again.

The waiter actually messaged me again last night, but we haven’t been talking like we did before the date we had. **shrug** I just don’t know if I want to see him again because if I end up still feeling this way about him after the second date I don’t want to hurt his feelings. BUT I did kiss him after the first date so I kind of left him with the wrong message anyway? In my defense I was incredibly drunk at the time. I’ll figure something out I guess. 

Israeli friend yesterday had a date, too. I haven’t heard about it yet. But he did send me a text before he went to sleep just to say that he hoped I had had a good day since we didn’t talk very much. Also, yesterday, Joy told me that she and my Israeli friend (they’ve met once or twice when I was Skyping with him while she was at my place) had a 6 hour conversation Saturday night. Which sort of bothers me because that means he was talking to her while he was at work. And usually he talks to me while he’s at work. And I know it shouldn’t bother me, especially because I told him that I was out with a friend, but it does. I just don’t trust her I think. The last thing I need right now is for her to develop a crush on him since I still have no idea how my own feelings are going in that regard. **sigh**

Intake stuff for Sunday, April 21:

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I fucked up yesterday. Ate wayyy too much. Justified it to myself, at the time, as “it’s a holiday.” (Yes, I smoke enough that 4/20 is a “holiday” for me). I don’t even… ugh.

I have a date tonight with the guy who bought me the beer last week while I was waiting for the waiter. So I am going to try to not eat ANYTHING before then.

I’m afraid to weight myself but I have to because I have this whole system and Sundays are when I measure everything and just ugh I don’t want to. I ate soooo much yesterday.

My Israeli thing is on his “date thingy” right now. Well, he will be in like 10 minutes. I still don’t know how I feel about any of that, but he lives in Israel so letting it go.

I’m just so preoccupied with being fat today.

Why did I let myself do that yesterday? UGH!

I’m mad at myself.

**update**

I weighed myself. I gained a whole fucking pound this week. A WHOLE FUCKING POUND. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’ve been exercising. Besides yesterday I’ve been following a good “healthy” plan. Like I said yesterday, this pretty much verifies that I am going back to starving.

So yesterday I decided to only eat when I was high… and I still ate more than I wanted but its better than I’ve been doing. So I think that is going to be my new plan…only eat when I am high and have the munchies. Now if I can get high me to eat a salad instead of cookies I will be perfect. 

In other news, I bought a ukulele yesterday. It is beautiful. I’ll post a picture later because I’m on my phone right now and it won’t let me. But anyway, the guy who helped us was really nice and we talked about how we have been stereotyped for body jewelry/tattoos and he mentioned having 3 kids and going to church every Sunday. Well, at the guitar center they take your email for promotions and stuff. So I get home and I habe an email from this dude asking me to lunch. Seriously. A)I’m a 22 year old student. No thanks to kids. B)I’m Jewish. I don’t think a guy whose favorite music is “Christian worship” according to Guitar Center’s webpage is going to work well. 

Also Skyped with my Israeli friend yesterday and he mentioned having a date today. Well, his exact words were “date thingy” because he didn’t know if it was a date or not, but he said he wouldn’t mind it being a date. So I guess that takes care of that…?  Although he then proceeded to buy me Portal and Portal 2 on Steam just because I said that I’ve wanted to play them. *shrug* I’m just gonna pretend that means nothing because it’s easier.

Had another fight with Joy last night. I ended up smoking halfway through it so I ended it by just being like “whatever this sucks.” But yeah. That sucks.

I’ve gained weight this week. I DON’T FUCKING GET IT. So. Back to starving thank you. I tried healthy and clearly not working. 

Yesterday’s intake was the same as they’ve been. AND I STILL GAINED WEIGHT. So fuck it.

The hardest part is going to be no high snacks, but I think I can do it.

No, I need to do it.

Everything is shit. I’m tired of feeling like crap. Last night I had 2 separate friends who have never spoken to each other (meaning they reached the same conclusion separate of each other) tell me that they were concerned about the amount of time I spend angry/frustrated/upset. Because it’s literally all the time. And I know that’s stupid because I have a comfortable life and I have plans for my future now that make sense and I’m not actually fat or overweight medically. I need to smoke all the time just to get through my days. This is just getting ridiculous because I’ve already made 1000 changes to my life to try to get me in a better place. I left RI. I changed career paths. I’ve secured a job at my dad’s office and I absolutely love to work there. I’ve tried to lose weight the healthy way and get in shape for a 5k run. But somehow everything is still shit. I still feel like shit.

I just don’t even know what to do anymore.

Yesterday ended up getting a little better. I smoked, ate, chilled, sobered up, tutored, came home, tutored again, then later in the night I figured out how to get away with smoking in my room after my parents go to bed. Which is excellent. I also talked to my sister about the guy issues and she pretty much said exactly what I was thinking so I think that I’m going to cancel plans with the guy who bought me a beer, hold off talking to my Israeli friend for now, and I may or may not keep my date with the guy I already went on a date with. So that’s that. 

I also woke up early today to exercise since I was in no mood yesterday. Normally Thursday is a rest day since I work but I swapped it with Wednesday so I was up reallyyy early this morning. UGH. I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed but I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. 

I didn’t weigh myself today. This may be TMI but I’m bloated and constipated and dehydrated and I just thought it was a bad idea. So I’ll spend the day drinking a shit ton of herbal tea and water and see how I feel tomorrow. Also, tonight I’m going to a Phillies game so who knows what will happen to my intake. I’m still going to try to control it though.

Intake stuff for Wednesday, April 17:

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