Going to Joplin tomorrow to help rebuild homes that were damaged/destroyed in the tornadoes in May 2011. 

BFX is going. This is going to be a disaster. I’m so done with him. I just want to get over him. I never want to see him again. He is a liar and an asshole. He doesn’t care about me, regardless of what he says. He made zero effort to save our relationship when we had it, zero effort to fix our relationship when he said he would, and zero effort to be a best friend even though he promised we would stay best friends. He has made zero effort to hang out with me or talk to me this past semester. He has made zero effort to contact me over break, even though he knows I’m borderline suicidal. Last time I checked, if you care about someone you check in on them if you know they are that depressed. So fuck him. I do not want to spend a week with him on this fucking trip. Because I hate him… but of course, I’m still in love with him because emotions are stupid and irrational and I hate them.

My “friends” here have yet to respond to my texts, even though they know its my last night home. Ok. That’s cool.

My “friends” in RI exclude me more often than not. My brotherhood has turned into a cliquey drama-fest of SHIT. 

I don’t want to go to Joplin. I don’t want to stay here. I don’t want to go back to Rhode Island.

I just want to disappear.

I’m so fucking done.

I can’t deal with this anymore.

Boys are shit.

My mental state is shit.

My eating habits are shit.

My friends (except for two of them, god bless them) are shit.

My sleep schedule is shit.

My physical state is somehow NOT shit, but it is also not excellent.

And I can’t kill myself (see the two good friends above) and I have no appropriate coping mechanisms. I am turning into a ball of a;jioeajpewiorj;dskf I honestly don’t even have words for how I feel or what I’m thinking or what is going on in my head. I have NO CLUE how to handle my life right now. And as I am DONE relying on the BFX, and usually I message him when I’m like this, and considering he is part (but definitely not all) of the problem, I have seriously no idea what to do or how to handle my life.

I want to get physically sick so that I have an excuse to not move from my bed for days on end. Because for some reason mental illness isn’t a viable reason to do that in our society.

I am of three minds about my life right now, and I change which one is prevalent in my consciousness so often that I think I may be developing multiple personality disorder. 

Mind #1: Fuck this shit. I’m done. I’m so fucking done. My brain is fucked up, my chemicals are screwed up, nothing is going to fix me. I am making my life harder for myself and I can’t even stop myself. What the fuck is wrong with me. I’m a burden and I suck and I’m miserable and my life will never be more than this, and even if I have a potentially worthwhile future ahead of me, it isn’t fucking worth it anymore. I’m not dragging myself through the mud for years and years more just to maybe get some kind of reward. Nothing is worth this fucked up shit. (Eventually leads to #2)

Mind #2: Yeah, I’m fucked up. And yeah, things are rough but it’s worth it. My friends love me and want me here. My family – despite the fact that they don’t act like it most of the time – loves me and wants me here. People need me, people depend on me. If I can’t live for myself, I can at least live for them, and that’s enough for now. And someday hopefully things will work out and I’ll be happy, I just have to get through this shit now. And yeah, I am fucked up, and yeah, I am miserable and life sucks and its tough, but too damn bad for me. All of these other people’s well-being are worth more than mine, and I don’t want to be responsible for their unhappiness. So I’ll trudge through and be miserable, but at least I’m not hurting anyone else. Even if things never get better, at least I’m here for everyone else. (Either revert back to #1 or move forward to #3)

Mind #3: I feel ok right now. Wait, ok? That’s scary. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel ok? **deep breath** Maybe I should just enjoy feeling ok right now? Oh wait, I’m anxious about feeling ok now. Welcome back anxiety. See, I can never be ok. I won’t let myself be. Fuck. (spiral back to #1 or #2)

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

I can’t decide if I love or loathe the feeling of physical weakness I’m getting from not eating today. 

Part of me is saying “stop being stupid and just go have some crackers.”

The other part of me is saying “It is 2am, you’ve been so good today, don’t ruin it now.”

I should probably just go to sleep.

P.S. Had the realization today that I don’t really want to stop being depressed and anxious. I’ve been depressed and anxious for so many years. Not being depressed and anxious is scary. It’s new. It’s a way of life I don’t know how to live and keep up for long periods of time. And, of course, the higher you climb the farther you have to fall, and I’m so afraid of falling again. I don’t think I could handle a depression worse than this current one. It’s safer just to stay here than to risk falling farther. I know how to live like this… I hate it, its a miserable existence, and a lot of days I don’t want to do it anymore, but I know how life works when I’m like this. Which is that it doesn’t and I shouldn’t expect it to. Low expectations – again, can’t fall far if you aren’t going far. 

I’m pathetic.

I am a burden to everyone around me. I don’t even know why anyone wants to be my friend anymore. My best friends – amazing people – deal with me being depressed and anxious every day, all day, all the time. The rest of my “friends” don’t even care about me, they just use me and forget me so whatever to them. If I wasn’t around, they wouldn’t even have to worry about remembering me the few times they actually do. 

I am sucking money out of my parents when I’m supposed to be financially independent. I just can’t get a job that makes enough that also fits in my schedule… or any job besides tutoring, really. I have a college degree – I thought that is supposed to make finding jobs EASIER. 

But seriously, the few friends I have just deal with my crap day after day and it isn’t fair to them. 

And the BFX… well… that’s another giant mess of guilt and horribleness. I KNOW he is treating me badly. I KNOW that he isn’t even being a friend to me 99% of the time. But when I need him he is there for me. So basically the ONLY time we talk is when I’m having complete mental breakdowns. Like right now. Which isn’t fair to either of us. The whole thing just sucks.

I can’t live like this anymore. I’m a mess and I’m dragging people I love down with me.

Can I die now?

**edit** 
You know, if i actually didn’t eat then at least I could get some kind of positive out of all this mess – like, losing weight. Finally. But no. Instead I am really good all fucking day (80 cals today) and then binged tonight out of stress and depression and not knowing what else to do with myself because I can’t go smoke (~1000 cals). Goddamnmotherfucker. 

I’m fucking fat. And what did I do? I drank a shit ton tonight (ok, not THAT much… 3 beers and a shot, but that’s still a LOT of calories) and I had a fucking cupcake because my sister’s friends had a potluck at our house and one of her friends that I love a ton made them and asked me to have one and I didn’t want to be rude to her so I did.

FUCKFUCKFUCK

I only wanted 1 beer. Just one. But then a friend bought me the other two. And made me take the shot (which was a free sample from the bar). 

Also, pretty sure the only reason I got invited out tonight is because another guy (and possibly the guy who was buying me drinks) want(s) to get with me. And I had a good time, but I want to be worth more than a bang.

Well, I succumbed to cutting again about a month ago now.

So now my brain decides I might as well just stop eating again, too. 

Because, you know, food is evil and purposefully hurting yourself makes sense.

My brain: complete awareness that there is zero logic going on here and nothing I can do about it.

What even is a functional life?

I’m angry that I am 22 and I am no where near where I wanted to be in my life at this age.

I’m angry at the BFX for everything he has done to me.

I’m angry at someone who is being selfish and in doing so is going to hurt someone I care about a lot.

I’m angry that the someone I care about won’t listen to us when we try to warn him that she’s being awful.

I’m angry that I’m still not over the BFX. I really should be.

I’m angry that I can’t motivate myself to do fucking anything, including and especially things that would really make my life more enjoyable.

I’m angry that I don’t really even care about my life getting better anymore.

I’m angry at people who think they understand me. Even if they are just trying to help.

I’m angry that I am constantly bringing people down around me because I can’t stop being depressed.

I’m angry that I can’t be not anxious for 5 fucking minutes… that literally everything gives me anxiety for some stupid reason.

I’m angry that I can’t just be ok.

I’m angry that I can’t just do what I need to do to become ok.

I’m angry that it is so easy for me to say “he isn’t worth it anymore” but deep down I still don’t believe it.

I’m angry that I have a college degree but I don’t feel qualified to do anything.

I’m angry at everything. I’m angry at nothing at all. I’m angry at everyone. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry with the world. But I don’t blame anyone, including me.

I’m angry that I don’t understand why I am so goddamn fucked up.

Well, it looks like I’m alive in the year 2013. There were points, especially last week, that I seriously questioned whether or not that would happen.

I’m still a mess, I’m still depressed and anxious and I still don’t like the idea of having to deal with another year of this bullshit, but I’m alive.

That should count for something, right?