January 7, 2013
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Burden
I am a burden to everyone around me. I don’t even know why anyone wants to be my friend anymore. My best friends – amazing people – deal with me being depressed and anxious every day, all day, all the time. The rest of my “friends” don’t even care about me, they just use me and forget me so whatever to them. If I wasn’t around, they wouldn’t even have to worry about remembering me the few times they actually do.
I am sucking money out of my parents when I’m supposed to be financially independent. I just can’t get a job that makes enough that also fits in my schedule… or any job besides tutoring, really. I have a college degree – I thought that is supposed to make finding jobs EASIER.
But seriously, the few friends I have just deal with my crap day after day and it isn’t fair to them.
And the BFX… well… that’s another giant mess of guilt and horribleness. I KNOW he is treating me badly. I KNOW that he isn’t even being a friend to me 99% of the time. But when I need him he is there for me. So basically the ONLY time we talk is when I’m having complete mental breakdowns. Like right now. Which isn’t fair to either of us. The whole thing just sucks.
I can’t live like this anymore. I’m a mess and I’m dragging people I love down with me.
Can I die now?
**edit**
You know, if i actually didn’t eat then at least I could get some kind of positive out of all this mess – like, losing weight. Finally. But no. Instead I am really good all fucking day (80 cals today) and then binged tonight out of stress and depression and not knowing what else to do with myself because I can’t go smoke (~1000 cals). Goddamnmotherfucker.
