January 8, 2013
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Stupidity
I can’t decide if I love or loathe the feeling of physical weakness I’m getting from not eating today.
Part of me is saying “stop being stupid and just go have some crackers.”
The other part of me is saying “It is 2am, you’ve been so good today, don’t ruin it now.”
I should probably just go to sleep.
P.S. Had the realization today that I don’t really want to stop being depressed and anxious. I’ve been depressed and anxious for so many years. Not being depressed and anxious is scary. It’s new. It’s a way of life I don’t know how to live and keep up for long periods of time. And, of course, the higher you climb the farther you have to fall, and I’m so afraid of falling again. I don’t think I could handle a depression worse than this current one. It’s safer just to stay here than to risk falling farther. I know how to live like this… I hate it, its a miserable existence, and a lot of days I don’t want to do it anymore, but I know how life works when I’m like this. Which is that it doesn’t and I shouldn’t expect it to. Low expectations – again, can’t fall far if you aren’t going far.
I’m pathetic.
