February 21, 2013
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This is a rant. A very long rant.
I’m so angry right now I don’t know what to do.
I made a new best friend this year. And she’s great. But she’s also a freshman. And she is also severely depressed and self harms and has screwed up eating patterns. She is basically me when I was a freshman. Regardless, we have been very close. And I was ok with that. Even though her “big brother” in our band fraternity (she is currently an MC, which is our term for pledge) is none other than the BFX. From day 1 she has said that our friendship came first.
But tonight she gave me her personal, password protected Tumblr and I’m trying to figure out why. Because literally all of her posts from February are about me abandoning her, how much she needs me, and how conflicted she is over the whole me/BFX issue that she has been stuck in the middle of against her own volition. So things I wish I could say right now:
1)I AM NOT ABANDONING YOU. No, I’m not going to be in RI anymore. But it isn’t because I don’t want to be there for you and it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be there for you. It is because I need this to not die. Which you seem to acknowledge, but then you keep going on and on and on about how everyone leaves you but IT ISN’T MY FAULT I’M NOT TRYING TO ABANDON YOU I’M TRYING TO NOT KILL MYSELF.
2)If my friendship is most important, then you would tell him that you don’t like the way he is treating me. Period. I would do that for you. And I don’t even understand how you still have respect for him. He wasn’t even a good big to you until he started feeling guilty. But because you need him now that I’m gone, and because you enjoy the positive attention he is giving you now (which he didn’t give you before, let me remind you), all of a sudden you won’t stick up for me. Yes. You are a good friend >_<
3)You bitch all the time about how your ex only wants you to fill the void that was created by his first girlfriend and how he is willing to fill it with any girl, but because you dated him for so long he defaults to you. And it drives you nuts. But YOU ARE DOING THE EXACT SAME THING WITH ME AND LAUREN. Lauren was your best friend. She moved to Cali and left a void. And then you met me. And now you need me and are dependent on me (as you say on your Tumblr) because I help fill the hole that Lauren left. I don’t want to be a replacement Lauren. I want us to have our own friendship.
4)This is not a codependent friendship. I don’t need you the way you need me. You need me because of point #3. I need you around because I love you and I like spending time with you and I appreciate our friendship as a unique entity that adds contentment to my life. But I don’t flip shit if I can’t talk to you for 24 hours. I’m going to miss you very, very much now that I’ve moved, but it isn’t breaking me like it is breaking you. Because, again, you are using me to fill a void. You aren’t seeing me as a friend who loves you and cares about you and still wants to talk to you every day and Skype all the time. You just see me as a filler and now that I’ve physically left you can’t handle it.
5)How. Dare. You. How DARE you judge me for how I reacted to the BFX’s text Sunday night? Who the fuck do you think you are? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HIM FINDING A NEW GIRL AFTER WE HAVE BEEN BROKEN UP FOR 6 AND A HALF MONTHS IS REALLY WHY I ALMOST KILLED MYSELF? Really???? That is upsetting but also understandable and I could deal with it… if he didn’t fucking lie to me about it and treat me like shit in the process all fucking school year. This is the biggest problem that you have with your ex – that he doesn’t listen to you when you explain why something is upsetting you. This is EXACTLY what you did to me here. You just assumed that I was upset because he is dating someone new, when really that is barely the tip of the iceberg. And clearly you didn’t listen to me when I explained that.
So basically yeah. I thought she was my best friend, but apparently I’m just a void-filler who apparently abandoned her and whose friendship is not worth more than a little positive attention from someone who previously barely did the minimum required to be her big brother at all. Why would she show me that blog? Was she trying to make me feel guilty? I don’t get it.
She also threatened suicide on that blog after I finally calmed down enough to not kill myself Sunday night. Like… what the actual fuck. There isn’t another single suicidal post on there (lots of self harm and self hate posts, but no suicide posts). So basically you just showed me that my almost-suicide made you contemplate suicide. Like, WHAT. Just… no. No. The guilt factor on that is so through the roof that I can’t even.
I love this girl. And I know she needs help. I know she needs a lot of help. But this was not ok and I don’t know what to do about it. Like, I think how I view her has been permanently altered. But I clearly CAN’T just up and leave her because then I really would be abandoning her and I am not that shitty of a person. I would not abandon her (whatever she may think) when she is this depressed, just like I wouldn’t want my friends to abandon me. I don’t know. I just really don’t know.
I can’t handle this right now. With everything else, this was the last thing I needed.
