March 4, 2013
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Not OK
I want so many things. Things that can’t exist together. Things that won’t exist no matter what. Things that I used to have that I’ve lost. Things that I’ve never gotten to have before. Things that I don’t even know what exactly it is, but it is an aching in my chest that I can’t ignore.
Why can’t I be content with what I have? Why can’t I accept that I don’t have these things and leave it at that? Why can’t I accept that I have a loving (although sometimes hard to deal with) family, a select few true friends, a body that a lot of people say is pretty ok (though I disagree), and enough intelligence to get me a full ride scholarship for all four years of my undergrad career even though I barely tried in high school? That should be enough! This should be more than enough! I live comfortably. My family can afford nice things. My parents are willing to help me financially and support me until I figure out my life. That should be enough.
But something is missing. There is this huge hole. And it hurts. And I can’t be happy unless I can’t feel the hole.
I am so fucking pathetic. This is all fucking nonsense. This sounds so fucking stupid. Yes, it’s how I feel, but it sounds horrible. It sounds ungrateful. I feel like a bitch. I feel like a whiny, self-important thirteen year old. Why can’t I just be ok? I should just be ok. This is stupid.
But I feel it.
