March 7, 2013
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I just realized that this is the first time in ten years that I have both not been in a relationship and also was over the ex and also had not moved on to someone else. I’ve always been with someone, been nursing a broken heart, and/or been pining over someone.
But now I don’t want the BFX anymore. At least, not this BFX. I miss the old BFX, my BFX, but he’s gone and doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t want this one. I don’t want anyone. And that feels weird. Because I do want someone. I want to be wanted. I miss being in a relationship. I miss holding hands and cuddling. But there is no one that I want to do those things with. It’s so bizarre.
I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt. And at the same time, I don’t.
The hole I talked about, all that melodramatic shit, it’s still true. I’m still depressed and angry and anxious all the time. But…it’s just different.
