March 12, 2013

• Feel free to completely ignore this post

  I am basically just ranting about a current situation between my friend M and I. The following post is essentially me just venting about how I have no fucking clue what the right thing to do is here. So read at your own risk.

  Quick back story: M and I dated (very briefly) a very very long time ago. It ended kind of badly through no fault of either of ours (third party made a mess of things). We became close friends again within the year. Then between our jr and sr years of high school we started hooking up (just making out and cuddling and stuff) for the summer/beginning of school and he almost asked me out but my ex, D, asked first. Since then, whenever I am (or appear to be) single, M tries to get me to sleep with him. Also since then, we have gone through period of not talking at all, but for the past few years (I’d say since we were 18/19) we have been very close. Seriously, we are the kind of friends that can talk about absolutely anything. We have had a few discussions about what would happen to our friendship if we fooled around, but those usually don’t last long and aren’t sober and therefore aren’t accurate or even conclusive. We fooled around (no sex though) over Thanksgiving break, but I said I didn’t want to do that again because I was still hoping things with the BFX would work out and it was too much emotionally for me at the time to deal with.

  Ok, so back to now: I have been incredibly sexually frustrated since the last time I had sex was the first weekend of July (before July 4th). I have had a strict “no sex outside of a relationship” rule since I started having sex and I have done very, very well at following my rule. This rule exists because I know that I get attached very easily and I don’t want to put myself in positions to get hurt, not because I have a problem with sex outside of relationships. However, with M, I am having trouble sticking to my rule (mostly because of the amount of time it has been since I’ve been laid). I am of two schools of thought on this matter:

  1. Since we have settled into such a good, strong friendship over the last 3-4 years, having sex will be beneficial for both of us physically and mostly harmless emotionally. I mean, it was easy enough put the Thanksgiving thing behind us; it didn’t change anything about our friendship. So it could be good. 
  2. Since we have had feelings for each other in the past, multiple times, it is almost inevitable that one of us will fall for the other if we start sleeping together. Most friends with benefits end with one or both parties falling for the other, and because of past feelings this only makes it more likely for us.

  Here’s the thing though: I’m not adverse to the idea of possibly ending in a relationship with M. He has become a much more mature and respectable person in the last year or so and clearly is someone I enjoy spending time with. We are already so close that I don’t think it would be a far jump at all to romantic relationship, especially given that we have had feelings in the past. What I am adverse to is the idea of falling for him if he doesn’t fall back. Or even having him fall for me if I don’t fall back. I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to ruin our awesome friendship.

  Also, if we assume that #1 is the more accurate assumption, it begs the question of “how much”? Because I don’t want our friendship deteriorating into screwing sessions, but I feel like once we do it once it will be hard to stop it unless one of us had a strong reason not to (like why I stopped things after Thanksgiving). 

  I just don’t know what to do. I know he and I should just sit down and talk about it (sober), and I know we can literally talk about anything, but for some reason I can never bring myself to bring this up. **sigh** I don’t even really know what I want or what’s best for me (not necessarily the same thing) at this point in time. As if I don’t have enough on my plate. 

  • 3:59 am
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