March 22, 2013
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Triggers and I’m Fat
So I’ve done a little thinking and I realized that I’ve come to some conclusions about my triggers. The BFX is obviously a huge one. People talking about the BFX is another one. Especially my best friend (his fraternal little), since he is so nice to her. Another is a certain type of whining. I don’t mean like venting to the internet even though no one cares, I mean like doing things without thinking and then not taking responsibility for their own shit so lets whine instead. It just sets me off. And not following certain routines. And hearing about how happy other people are. It makes me feel defective. And not smoking for a while.
Weed is such a two-sided coin. On the one side, it majorly helps with my anxiety and allows me periods of time where I don’t feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. On the other, I eat. A lot. And I’m gaining weight. And it’s not okay but I don’t know what else to do.
I know my triggers are my problem and I should do my best to avoid them, but sometimes I just can’t. Or I’m masochistic and I look at the BFX’s Facebook page. I really need to stop doing that.
Intake related information:
Work today killed me. I got really hungry and had a soft pretzel and… ugh. That and the York peppermint patties (I work with patients, I need to have good breath and garlic thai food is not good for talking to people). Then my mom made dinner so I couldn’t even just have a big salad or something. I really, really appreciate when my mom cooks. It’s really nice of her. I’m 22 and living at home and she totally doesn’t have to do that for me. But it’s also difficult when I’m trying to monitor my intakes.
I need to not eat for the rest of the day. Which is going to be difficult since I’m hoping to smoke again later. And I’m still hungry anyway. UGH UGH UGH! This is impossible!!!
B: 2 eggwhites (35), toast (45), laughing cow cheese wedge (35), coffee (30)
L: thai soup (270), special k crisps (100), banana (100)
S: pretzel (310), york peppermint patty (90)
D: pasta (175), roll (115), shrimp (130)
TOTAL: 1435+ binge. Yup. I smoked. And binged. I can’t stop smoking, I CAN’T. I need to just plan ahead and prepare good, healthy, low-cal food for my high snacks ahead of time. And not have my mom cook dinner and not have pretzels at work. Oy. This is a disaster.
