March 31, 2013
-
And The Shit Continues
So remember how I said that Joy made her profile picture of both of them last night after that whole fucking conversation? Yeah. Well, today she thought everything was hunky dory and that I would be sympathetic to her desire to not go back to school tomorrow and instead I got snarky. I’m sure that I was a little meaner than I needed to be but I don’t even fucking care anymore. I told her what she did, why I was mad, and that I don’t want to talk to her right now because I already had one person tell me they were my “best friend” and then act like they weren’t this year (the BFX, if you haven’t been following). She never replied. So. That’s that I guess.
I’m just so angry!!!!!! Last year one of my best friendships fell apart and never totally recovered and two of my other closest friends and I grew apart because they kept forgetting about me/I hate their then-roommate so I was never invited to things (they didn’t like her either but its not like they could tell her to not come to the party they were throwing at their apartment). I had no real friends in high school; at least, no real friends that lasted longer than a few months… I was bullied a lot. And then over the summer I lost the BFX as a boyfriend and then throughout this school year I lost him as a best friend. And Joy knows all of this and promised to be there for me. She promised to be a real best friend. And I actually fucking believed her. I’m such an idiot. No one ever fucking stays. She chose him over me, his feelings over mine, because he is in RI and I’m not. End of story. And until she starts thinking about anyone other than herself, I’m not interested in this friendship. I literally bend over backwards for her. Every panic attack, every fight with her mom, every issue with her insane ex, I’m there. I talk her down, calm her down, put things into perspective. I go out of my way to do things to make her happy because I know she’s depressed and she needs it. And I kept my mouth shut about how I felt about her sucking up to the BFX for MONTHS because I knew that he was her big and she needed him to get through the process and become a brother of our fraternity. I do so fucking much for her. And this one thing – being honest – one fucking thing she can’t do for me.
Maybe its because of everything I went through growing up, but I value loyalty above almost any other trait in friendships. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. She claims to be the same way, but obviously not considering that she has put the BFX before me. That isn’t loyalty. That’s being a fucking coward.
Sorry for the rant. I just had to get it out somewhere so I don’t just go off on her some more.
**UPDATE** I just let her have it. Like really just screamed at her, all out, curses flying, no censorship. And I confronted the BFX about everything I’ve been feeling in that department. And I just want to die. I’m trying to fix two friendships and I’ll probably end up with neither and just upset both of them in the process. They’d both be better off if I just disappeared. I would be, too. I’m tired of feeling shitty all the time.
**UPDATE 2** I think everything is ok with both Joy and the BFX. But I’m kinda drunk so I’ll have to check again in the morning to make sure I’m right.
Oh yeah, and Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate. (Forgive me, I’m Jewish – this isn’t the first thing on my mind even when I’m not having a shit day).
Intake for Sunday, March 31:
B: egg whites (35), cream cheese (35), matzah (50)
L: matzah (50), shrimp salad (80)
S: kamish bread (50), choc matzah (200)
D: salad w/ salmon (275), kugel (25), dessert (125)
S: fancy coffee (100)
TOTAL: 1025Out: Biking (-200)
Net: 825
