I just realized that this is the first time in ten years that I have both not been in a relationship and also was over the ex and also had not moved on to someone else. I’ve always been with someone, been nursing a broken heart, and/or been pining over someone.  

But now I don’t want the BFX anymore. At least, not this BFX. I miss the old BFX, my BFX, but he’s gone and doesn’t exist anymore and I don’t want this one. I don’t want anyone. And that feels weird. Because I do want someone. I want to be wanted. I miss being in a relationship. I miss holding hands and cuddling. But there is no one that I want to do those things with. It’s so bizarre. 

I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt. And at the same time, I don’t.

The hole I talked about, all that melodramatic shit, it’s still true. I’m still depressed and angry and anxious all the time. But…it’s just different. 

I want so many things. Things that can’t exist together. Things that won’t exist no matter what. Things that I used to have that I’ve lost. Things that I’ve never gotten to have before. Things that I don’t even know what exactly it is, but it is an aching in my chest that I can’t ignore. 

Why can’t I be content with what I have? Why can’t I accept that I don’t have these things and leave it at that? Why can’t I accept that I have a loving (although sometimes hard to deal with) family, a select few true friends, a body that a lot of people say is pretty ok (though I disagree), and enough intelligence to get me a full ride scholarship for all four years of my undergrad career even though I barely tried in high school? That should be enough! This should be more than enough! I live comfortably. My family can afford nice things. My parents are willing to help me financially and support me until I figure out my life. That should be enough. 

But something is missing. There is this huge hole. And it hurts. And I can’t be happy unless I can’t feel the hole. 

I am so fucking pathetic. This is all fucking nonsense. This sounds so fucking stupid. Yes, it’s how I feel, but it sounds horrible. It sounds ungrateful. I feel like a bitch. I feel like a whiny, self-important thirteen year old. Why can’t I just be ok? I should just be ok. This is stupid.

But I feel it.

I have wanted to die many times before. Nearly every day for the last 2 months, in fact. And other scattered times before that.

Never have I felt just about as hopeless as right now. The reason I am not dead is because somewhere in me I want to see things get better. Somewhere in me lives an optimist. 

But right now, I see no future. I see nothing. I dont care about seeimg anything. I want to let go but pepple who “care” hang on to me. It hurts. It’s like they have talons in my back, but the only way to get them out is to tear them off like a bee stinger. And I don’t want to hurt them all. So I just keep on hurting.

I’m glad people love me and care about me. I really am. God I feel so ungrateful and stupid. Which just makes it hurt worse.