April 1, 2013

• Same Shit, Different Day

  I don’t know what to do.

  I think everything is ok, but at the same time I’m pretty sure things between Joy and I are going to be strained for a while. And as for things with the BFX… he SAYS we can be friends again, but we all know that that isn’t going to happen. He won’t let himself be friends with me, no matter what he says.

  My two “best friends.” Well, the BFX WAS my best friend. But both of them telling me one thing and doing another. BOTH OF THEM. And Joy saw how that affected me when he did it and then she goes and does the same thing. Like… even though she realized she was wrong and apologized and wasn’t even mad at me for screaming at her I’m still mad. Very mad. 

  And as for the BFX. I’m so mad at him too. He lies to me for MONTHS and then gets mad at him when I confront him about it. And then things get super awkward and it makes things difficult for all three of us and I try to fix things and he gets mad at me for trying to fix things!!! There is literally NOTHING I can do right with him except sit in silence and let him do whatever the fuck he wants even if it hurts me. And so now he says things are ok but I don’t fucking believe him because he said that for months and things just keep getting worse and worse. 

  I’m just so done with it. I don’t trust either of them (especially the BFX). I just want to find one best friend once who doesn’t fucking destroy me. Just one. But nope. I can count 10 very very close and/or “best” friends in the past 11 years that have knowingly or unknowingly dicked me over, not including Joy and the BFX. So 13 people in 11 years. And that isn’t even getting into shit with M or B (for those of you who haven’t heard of B, just know that we had a very bad 3 year relationship when I was 13-16 and now we are still friends). I just want one. Person. That I can trust to be there for me and not hurt me in some way for more than a few months!!!! 

  I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this saga of shit and my whining. 

  Oh and I totally forgot. So earlier today my cat knocked over my gecko tank and I nearly had a fucking heart attack. My baby got squished under her tank, which turned out to be a good thing once I realized she wasn’t dead because it kept her from running away and hiding somewhere in my furniture. She bit me when I picked her up – its only the second time ever that she bit me and the first time I deserved it (I was trying to force-feed her medicine But there was shit everywhere, literally and figuratively. And crickets (her food) escaped – I caught 4 but I feel like 1 or 2 more probably got away. And I just cleaned her tank and put in new liner a few weeks ago (its supposed to last around 6 months) and shit got under the liner and ugh. But she’s ok, the cats ok, and I’m getting new furniture so it doesn’t happen again, so that’s good.

  Here’s my intake stuff:

  So last night, while all that shit was happening, I consumed about 550cal of alcohol. It takes yesterday’s net up to 1375. Higher than I want, but luckily it’s still within “weight losing range.” My BMR is a little over 1400 so… yeah.

  Intake for Monday, April 1:

  B: matzah (50)
  L: matzah (50), eggsalad (150), kugel (150)
  S: banana (100)
  D: latkes (300), apple sauce (50), cookie (100)
  S: chocolate covered matzah (150)
  TOTAL = 1100

  Out: 1 mile run (-100)

  Net: 1000

  • 11:02 pm
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