May 1, 2013
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I haven’t felt this alone in a very long time.
I haven’t felt this perpetually anxious in a very long time.
Everything in my life seems to be headed in a good direction, so why am I still spiraling downwards?
I think I’m actually going insane. Like, clinically insane. Like, things I used to only do high I do all the time now. I regularly hallucinate my dead cat. She usually stays at my house though, luckily. I talk to myself all the time, too. Mostly alone, but sometimes in public. I think I scared a sales lady at Bed Bath and Beyond today. I also have trouble keeping up with my own thoughts. It’s a common problem when I’m high but it’s happening more and more often when I am sober too. I have a thought that’s like a flash of a picture or a feeling and before I can process what I meant I’ve moved onto another thought. It can get really frustrating. Maybe I should try Adderall. My best friend M has offered to let me try one of his before since he has a script for it.
But anyways, food stuff:
Monday sucked. I ate way too much and didn’t exercise and I just don’t want to talk about it. I was not in a good place Monday.
Tuesday (yesterday) wasn’t bad. I wanted to keep my total intake under 1000 but I ended up still keeping my net under 1000 (I smoked and had high snacks which set me over in the intake category) so I’ll call it a half-win. I’m really trying to balance out being healthy and my starve tendencies. I actually used a calculator through an app I have that said I should be eating 1700 a day for moderate weight loss. Yeah no thank you.
Today has been alright. I’m hoping to smoke later but who knows if I will get the chance. If I do my intake will probably go up, but right now I’m at 960 for the day so I’m hoping to not eat more/go over 1000. Maybe I can convince high me to have carrots (let’s be honest, that almost never works… but it’s worth a shot).
I’m just tired of feeling so drained and unsupported. I’m being crushed. And I’m starving to cope. Though this is probably my most productive coping mechanism, so I’ll take it. Silver lining I guess. Hopefully the scale will actually start moving again.
Comments (2)
what drug were you on? (sry if that’s invasive) i know someone who was very addicted to the synthetic marijuana and it causes those types of things.
@NeedAnewMe - It isn’t invasive, you’re trying to be helpful! I’m not on any drugs besides a very, very low dose of amitriptyline, which is technically an anti-depressant but not at my dose (which is significantly lower than anything you would take for depression). I’m on it for a nerve disorder (off-label use but it works really well) and have been for over 3 years. I do smoke weed, but not the fake stuff, and I’ve been cutting back a lot recently. I also do have ADD, not medicated and never have been, and I’ve noticed it getting worse over the past year, so I feel like that probably has something to do with at least part of it.