May 6, 2013

• Some Shit Went Down

  Saturday my sister came home from college after her freshman year. We went out to my FAVORITE place and then got desert at my favorite place and I literally have not had a break day from dieting in over a month so I let myself just eat what I wanted. Big mistake. I finally started losing weight again and now it’s right back up. And I know one day can’t actually ruin my progress and I just have to let the food move through my system and have a few good days but it’s just so disheartening! It doesn’t help that I had my period so I’ve been inclined to eat more anyway.

  And then on top of it today happened. Oh boy. Today. I just. Where do I start. I guess with the fact that M and I finally had sex. We were incredibly high. And I just feel so alone now. I’ve never had sex without feelings before and it sucks. Idk how it helps people who feel lonely because it just made everything worse for me. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t had sex in 10 months and it was definitely needed on a physical level. But emotionally I’m ready to find someone who can really be good for me and who understands me. And I’m scared to look outside of people I know because how do I explain everything? Who wants to do deal with all of it, all my crazy, if they aren’t my friend first? But now this made me realize that I don’t think it can be M because I didn’t feel anything and I don’t think he does either. So what am I supposed to do now? And what about my Israeli friend? I still haven’t even told him about the two dates I went on even though he told me about his “date thingy,” even though he wouldn’t call it a real date. What am I supposed to do now? We talk EVERY DAY. And he did throw a little fit when he thought I’d get too busy for him. And then he just BOUGHT ME Portal and Portal 2 because I said I was interested in them. HE JUST BOUGHT THEM FOR ME LIKE OH HEY HERE’S A GIFT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT. OMFG. And if he has feelings for me…what do I do? He lives in fucking Israel. Just. Ugh. And what if I bring it up and he doesn’t and then things get weird? What if he does and things get weird? I don’t want to lose him. Oy.

  AND the BFX is talking to me again. Like real conversations. Last Wednesday? I think it was I messaged him and we had a real conversation. Then Thursday he sent me a link and we had a short chat, Friday we talked for a little while AGAIN, Saturday he ignored my fish tank related message but then today (Monday) he messaged me first again and we are having another legit conversation. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? Before this we hadn’t talked since the whole giant Joy blowup that made me message him because I wanted to clear the air. That’s like, a month. So a month and a half of no talking between when I moved home from RI and the giant fight and then a month between then and now and now all of a suddent “oh hey let’s be friends again.” Like WTF. 

  No one I talk to can help me. I need a blueprint. I need a formula to follow or a users guide to life or a handbook or SOMETHING. But I feel like someone just scribbled all over my life and nothing makes sense and there is no path to follow. I’m falling apart mentally as my last few posts have noted. I’m literally losing my mind. And I need someone to help ground me and anchor me but I have no one. And people keep coming and going from my life and I just have no idea who to trust or what to do. I’m so lost.

  I’m also starving right now but I ate way more than I wanted to in high snacks today after what happened over the weekend so I’m not going downstairs to the kitchen even though I need a cup of tea or at least a glass of water. Maybe I can get my sister to make me some tea, although she already ran to Starbucks for me when I had a migraine earlier and needed caffeine… **sigh**

   

  • 11:24 pm
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