May 14, 2013

• Paranoid

  I never considered myself to have paranoia. I know that it is a common occurrence in people with depression and/or anxiety, but I never considered myself to be paranoid. I always thought of people who were paranoid as conspiracy theorists or lunatics muttering to themselves while looking over their shoulders. I don’t know. Mental illness stereotypes – even if you’re mentally ill – sometimes can’t be avoided. But one of my close friends (who is very much like me in her mental state of well-being) said she had paranoia, which sort of shocked me out of my little imaginary bigot world. And now I’m positive – I am definitely paranoid. Feel free to skip the grey stuff. It’s just me rambling about my paranoia. 

  M and I both agreed that our friendship hadn’t changed, but I haven’t seen him since (over a week) and we don’t talk as often as we used to. I know that part of it is probably that he is studying for finals and because his bromance buddy came back from studying abroad this past Saturday. But part of me feels like now that he got what he’s wanted from me for 6 years he is discarding me. I know, logically, that that can’t be true. I know that there were times when I wanted to sleep with him and he was the one who said no because he didn’t want to lose our friendship. I know that he wouldn’t just throw me away. After all we’ve been through, there is no way he would just throw me away. But at my core I still feel like he doesn’t want me anymore. When he takes a while to reply or stops answering or doesn’t talk to me for a few days I just feel like he’s done with me. It doesn’t matter what I know. I am convinced M doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. 

  Israeli friend is the same way. Not that we slept with each other. In fact, for all of the conversations M and I have had about the nature of our relationship and what we want from each other and what we don’t, my Israeli friend and I have had NONE of those conversations. And sometimes I really feel like he cares about me and as though he may have feelings for me, but then there are times that I truly and completely believe that he just talks to me because I’m awake when he works. Since he works night shifts in Israel, all his friends are asleep but me – the one 7 hours behind. I’m merely convenient. I’m not actually important. 

  Joy is Joy. She only talks to me when she needs something. When I text her with my life, she either acts like a high schooler gossiping or she ignores me. Like right now. But if I don’t answer her texts RIGHT AWAY she cries about it on her private Tumblr. Some friend. This one isn’t even paranoia. It’s just pissing me off.

  The mutual friend that I share with Joy – the one I’m going to stay with in RI and the one who pretty much agrees with me about Joy’s behavior and who told me most of what Joy was doing when she was being a huge backstabbing traitor bitch – hasn’t been answering me much either. She finally just did (after I started this entry) but she trailed off without warning yet again. I know she’s busy, I know she isn’t a great responder, but I can’t help but worry that I’ve started to annoy her as much as Joy has. In fact, I’m almost convinced that she doesn’t actually want to hear from me anymore. I don’t know if she even still wants me to stay with her since she hasn’t been talking to me very much. Before today I think the last time we spoke was nearly a week ago. 

  My “big brother” (very close freind, 3 years older than me, like my brother, I know I’ve mentioned him before) is so immersed in his own depression and his own problems that he doesn’t have time for mine. Anytime it comes up he gets kinda stern and then either stops answering or changes the subject. He hasn’t replied to me in a few days. I don’t blame him. He really does have a lot going on. But I’ve stuck by him for so long, even when other people left him, so it would be nice if he could do the same now. Especially since he hasn’t always in the past. And again, while I know logically that he is just dealing with his own crap and he will come back around eventually, the paranoia is shouting that he is sick of me and my problems and since I’m not actually his sister he doesn’t need to put up with it anymore if he doesn’t want to.

  The girl who I considered my best friend this past fall barely talks to me anymore. Part of it is my fault, too, but part of it is hers. She never messages me first. If we do talk, I reach out to her. We started drifting apart when I stopped coming over to her apartment every weekend for parties. But the BFX was always there and after Joplin something between us broke and he was blatantly ignoring me and I just couldn’t be there. It would have been nice if she made an effort to hang out outside of those parties, but she never did. Not that I really did, either, but I tried to keep in touch a lot longer than she did. By the time I left RI we were barely talking once or twice a week. Since I’ve been home I think we’ve talked maybe three times, one of which was after I posted about sleeping with M on my private Tumblr and she commented asking wtf happened. So… gossip interests. But not interested in my daily life. Or how I’m doing. Or if I’m any better now that I’ve moved home. I was really exhausting for her for a while and I recognize that. I don’t blame her for distancing herself from me. Also, her roommate is one of those people that you can’t ever tell if she loves you or hates you or a little of both and I tend to think more often that she doesn’t actually like me and they are besties sooooo that probably has something to do with it.

  I left work early today because I was a little lightheaded and bloated and I just felt icky physically and mentally. I just needed time to myself. And in that time I fucking binged. Really badly. This is the third day in a row I’ve blown my intake. Fuck. Luckily, since I set a calorie cap for the week – not per day – I have the rest of the week to fix it. But I said the same thing when I fucked up yesterday. I REALLY need to get back on track. The last thing I need right now is to gain weight. That would really be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m already at my wit’s end because I’m not losing like I feel I should be. Gaining is not an option. 

  You all are probably sick of my fucking whining too. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why anyone reads this anymore. All I do is bitch and whine and cry all the time. It must be tiring. I’m sorry.

  P.S. Now I’m yelling at B. After coming clean to him about how I’ve been feeling, I’m yelling at him. Just dump all my problems on his shoulders then thank him by being nasty. Yeah. Now I know why everyone fucking leaves me. I fucking suck.

  • 11:20 pm
  • 2 Comments