May 16, 2013
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I Don’t Know Anything Anymore
So Tuesday night my Israeli friend and I had a… small discussion? Idk. Basically i apologized 1000x for being a difficult person to deal with – and I still haven’t even told him everything. Just the anxiety and little bits about how I feel down a lot. And he agreed that I am difficult but also told me to never change because everything I do, difficult or not, makes me me. To which I replied that I was worried not changing would cause him to stop being my friend. All he said was that I’ve already gotten better since I moved back home. Then I went to bed before I could say more stupid shit.
He texts me every single day that he has work. 9 days out of 10 he texts me first. I didn’t hear from him yesterday (Wednesday). I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t text me again today.
The funny thing is, a few weeks ago he was the one worrying about losing me as a friend because I was getting more of a social life (which has since disappeared again).
I don’t know. I don’t know what is happening or what to do about it. I care about this guy a lot more than I like to admit most of the time. And sometimes it seems like there is more there on his end and then just… I don’t even know. It’s probably better if I just leave him be. I’m not what he wants me to be, I know I’ve said as much on here before. And I don’t think he is what I want him to be either. So it would probably be best for both of us if I let him go if that is what he is doing. I don’t know!!!!In other news, intake sucked again yesrerday. I still have 3 days to fix it, and normally I’d say I still can, but I have had so little control over myself that I honestly don’t know if I can at this point. But I also don’t want to give up and consider this week a lost week because then I will really go nuts. Ugh. Like, I JUST had a protein bar for breakfast and I am still legitimately hungry. Not bored hungry, but HUNGRY. And it’s been this way all week. I do sometimes get like this leading up to my period, but it isn’t that time right now. Ugh!
Everything is just so frustrating.
