May 20, 2013

• Back in the Ocean State

  I really didn’t know what to expect when I came back to RI. I didn’t know how anxious I would be, how I would feel spending the whole weekend with Joy, or who else I would see. But on Saturday when it came time for me to come up here, I felt just fine – even a little excited. Yesterday (Sunday) was the actual graduation and I was actually still perfectly ok when I got to campus. I ended up spending most of the day with a good friend, but I saw a lot of people and I got lunch with someone else who I haven’t talked to in a while so that was all good. But then we left. And I realized that I hadn’t seen the BFX at graduation at all. Now remember that he also didn’t try to see me before I left RI in February, although he did try to push me to have a goodbye party. At the time I thought he wanted the party because it was a way to say goodbye without having to be alone with me, but now that he has again made zero effort to see me I think he just wanted an excuse to drink. So anyway, last night when it became clear that I would not see him I ended up kind of losing all of the okay that I had been channeling during my trip and the anxiety and depression hit full force again. I held it together on the outside though. I mean, Joy knows me well enough that I think she knew something was wrong but she didn’t feel the need to press the matter.
  Then I woke up this morning and the full force of what has happened in the last year between the BFX just slapped me across the face. I miss my best friend and he doesn’t miss me and it hurts and I want to go back and rewind time and fix things knowinf what I know now but I can’t do that. I feel so alone all the time; a way I never felt before I lost the BFX. Even after JC broke up with me and I was a wreck, I didn’t feel alone because I had the BFX to help me. I had my best friend.
  I need to go home now.

  • 10:03 am
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