May 25, 2013
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Major Rant Ahead
Seriously, don’t waste your time.
I’m such a fat fuck. I’ve been eating SO MUCH. And I know that in my last entry I was like “it’s ok to eat more and slow weightloss” blahblahblah but I can’t just ignore years of ED behavior. I can’t ignore the voice that is telling me I don’t deserve to eat for a week after how much I ate the last two weeks. I can’t ignore the voice saying I should do a 3 day fast to atone. I ate WAY TOO MUCH for my comfort level lately and of course the scale isn’t going to go down tomorrow from last week even though it’s my official weigh in day tomorrow because I fucking ate so much this week and just AHHH. I can’t do anything right.
Including having friends. I’m so over Joy. I really am. She’s one of those people that I love and care about but I don’t like her anymore. It’s always a problem, it’s always whining, and it’s always sucking up to the BFX. Who, incidentally, is ignoring me again so alright. The only benefit to staying on her good side is that she actually listens to me vent. Very rarely replies with anything remotely helpful but at least I know someone is listening.
M is being insensitive and stupid as always, but it isn’t his job to keep me occupied. It would just be nice if he made an effort.
My Israeli friend is clueless. He chooses to be. He has no idea how upset I am. I keep trying to tell him but it never seems right or he changes the subject before I can say it. Same goes for trying to start conversations about possible feelings. It’s just… ak;dfjas;fjas;kfa; his friendship is more stress than it’s worth half the time but I also don’t want to lose him. I should just back off and see what he does.
AND I managed to upset another one of my friends tonight – the one that is like my older brother. I didn’t mean to, but he took something I said the wrong way and even after explaining and apologizing sincerely he hasn’t responded. So fuck.
I am so much fucking work. No wonder no one fucking sticks around. I need so much goddamn support. But the thing is, the friends I have don’t even try to be that for me. They say they are, but the only one who tries is my friend that is still in high school and she is leaving for college in the fall and what do I do then? Also she is just as fucked up as I am so I don’t like putting too much of my stress on her. She has a lot going on. She is the only one that asks me to hang out first (except when M is trying to sleep with me or if my “big brother” gets a party invite and passes it along).
Speaking of party invites, I haven’t gotten any in weeks. And I know there have been parties. I just got forgotten again. I was being invited all over the place for like three weeks and then bam, nothing. It’s all a group of people that I met through the “big brother,” but I’ve been friends/acquaintances with them for nearly two full years now. You’d think I’d get invites besides through him. I used to. Now I don’t. Now none of them talk to me. I guess it’s as much my fault as theirs, I didn’t make a huge effort to stay in touch. But clearly neither did they. They all have each other; they don’t need me.
I just feel so alone. I don’t have a lot of friends and of the friends I have only one is actually helpful/supportive. The rest are just kind of there. There are five people that I like that miraculously like me (I think), but that aren’t open to dealing with me and my shit most of the time. And again, I don’t blame them. I’m a lot of work. But I am so, so alone. And it’s eating away at me.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Part of me still really likes me as I person. I think that I am a good friend and a good person. I’m smart but not particularly motivated, but I do well enough. But the other part of me is disgusted with myself. I’m so self-pitying. I’m so hard to deal with. I blame myself for my friends being so out of touch. I feel like I push them away because I am so difficult. And I am weak. It’s why I can’t lose weight. I can’t control myself. I can’t stay motivated. As far as food is concerned, lately instant gratification has been more important than long term results and I need to get out of that mindset.
I just want to be skinny and not feel alone anymore.
No. You know what? I’d be willing to never lose another pound if I found one person who really and truly was there for me and would never leave me. I’d be willing to stay right here, as fat as I am, if it meant never feeling this lonely again.
But as that is never going to happen because I am just too much fucking work, I just want to be skinny. At least then I’ll have something.
