May 28, 2013
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Too Much Shit
So last night I ended up completely breaking down and messaging the BFX about how upset I was. I literally didn’t know what else to do. I immediately regretted it; he wasn’t nearly as helpful as he used to be. Or…at all. I don’t know why I thought that if I was in enough trouble my best friend would just magically come back. What a fucking joke. He was nice enough, but really didn’t do anything to make me feel better at all. He used to know exactly what to say to calm me down. Last night he just… he didn’t make it worse, but he sure as hell didn’t make it better either. So as soon as I got that kick in the gut, I messaged my “big brother” and went to his house. I was surprised he was open to me coming over, but I think I just sounded so desperate that he couldn’t say no. Also, earlier yesterday I agreed to be his date to his dad’s wedding, which is a huge deal because he has no desire to go to his dad’s wedding and originally wasn’t going to go at all (long story) and he recently got dumped so I’m basically going to have to be one huge support system that night, so I think he may have felt like he owed me. Regardless, I ended up feeling alright while I was at his house, and the BFX kept messaging me the whole night, but when I woke up this morning all of it came rushing back and hit me like a ton of bricks (as I said in my pulse). It just… it fucking sucked.
And what’s also incredibly frustrating, on top of all of the fucking depression and the struggle to not be a fat fuck and control myself and eat less (which I’m not doing at all), is the fact that my parents can’t wrap their head around the fact that a)I’m a fucking busy person and b)I’m an adult and can take of my own shit. Just to give you an idea, right now I have the following to do:
- Clean up my essay for optometry school
- Study for the Optometry Admission Test, which I am taking on June 10
- Finish my TickSmart™ Tick Prevention Certification Lesson Plan so that I can ask the professor that I’m making it for to write me a letter of recommendation
- Call the guy that basically founded the Pennsylvania School of Optometry, who helped get my dad into the school years ago and who is willing to help me if I set up a time to meet him
- Actually set aside time to meet the guy from the above bullet
- Work full time
- Tutor 2 high school honors physics students
- Train for my race on June 9
- Finish my digital painting that I’m making for my Israeli friend
- Make a desktop wallpaper for my coworker (I already made one for my other coworker so I can’t not make one for her)
- Start my aquarium, which I set up on Sunday
- Finish putting together my goddamn room, which has been in a transitional state since I moved home in February
- Make time to practice ukulele (I spent the money to buy it, I want to learn to use it)
- Finish Portal and Portal 2 since they were gifts from my Israeli friend and he wanted me to finish them so we could play multiplayer together (I’ve had them for over a month)
- Finish the book series I’m reading (I’m 3/4 through the book I’m on and I have 3 more after it)
- Take care of my anorexic leopard gecko (she isn’t sick. Just stupid.)
So yeah. I’m a busy person. Except that I’m so fucking depressed that I can barely get myself to do more than go to work, train for my race, and then maybe do one other thing that day, not including reading. Reading I can do anytime. Reading is actually like my escape from all the other crap I have to do. But my mom is constantly yelling at me about studying and doing the tick program and did I call the PCO guy yet and did I remember to feed the goldfish (which I have never forgotten to do since aquarium keeping is sort of my thing), etc. etc. I agreed to clean my bathroom that I share with my sister, but my mom decided it was too dirty THE DAY BEFORE I HAD SET ASIDE TIME TO CLEAN IT and did it for me, then got upset about me not cleaning it. WTF. I have more than proven myself over the last 5 years to be a capable and responsible adult. I graduated college – which I had a full ride academic scholarship to, btw – Summa Cum Laude. I also applied to and got accepted to a selective Master’s program and got my first ever 4.0 semester while in that graduate level program. And I did that all without my mom being there to nag me about what I have to get done. So I don’t know why she feels the need to do it now. I’ll get it done, I’ll get it done well, and I’ll get it done on my terms. UGH! This is why I resisted moving home until I literally could not be in Rhode Island anymore.
So I feel totally utterly alone and isolated, the BFX has pretty much shoved it in my face that he is not and will not be my best friend ever again, I’ve got more to do than I’ve got time to do it, my depression is near all time high levels, I can’t motivate myself to restrict better to start actually losing some weight, and my mom won’t fucking let me get my shit done at my own fucking pace.
Oh, but the best part is, when I’m physically sick (my allergies are acting up), she’s all nice and offers to make me a cup of tea. But when I’m mentally at my breaking point, she just pushes me harder. No. Fuck you. My mother is a children’s and adolescent’s psychologist. She should fucking know better. Like, when I moved home, we agreed that I would go into therapy here in Philly. But did either of my parents ever follow up to make sure I got that help? Nope. Because why the hell would we address a problem when we are all so good at pretending it doesn’t exist?
Well, I’ve wasted enough of your time with my ranting crap. I need to go finish that tick program so I can cross that off my list. Although I’m a day behind on training (going to lose my rest day on Thursday) and two days behind on OAT studying. And I need to email the high school physics teacher of my students. And finish at least ONE of the things for my Israeli friend. And the desktop wallpaper. Fuck. It never fucking ends!!!
