May 31, 2013
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I’m a Bitch
I don’t really know what to say.
I’m done with Joy. Not that she knows it…or will. I’m just. Ah. I don’t know. I don’t know whether or not I believe a word she says. She claims to be having flashbacks/hallucinations at very inopportune moments… and I want to believe her. I do. But I know for a fact that she cuts for attention, and as someone who self-harms it really hurts me to say that about anyone because I know first hand that most people who self harm DON’T do it for attention even though that is the stereotype. But I also know for certain that she does do it, at least in part, for the attention. And I know this because she purposefully cuts in places that are very, very obvious and went out of her way to make sure all of her friends group saw the cuts/was aware of it. And then she flipped out to me when they yelled at her to stop. Well, I don’t know what else she expected. And again, it hurts me to say that this is the case, and if I didn’t witness it myself I wouldn’t believe it, but this is how it is. So back to the point, I just don’t know if I believe that she’s really having these hallucinations or whatever. I’m sure that she’s probably having strong painful memories (“flashbacks”) but that’s normal when you’re getting over something (in her case, a 3 year emotionally abusive relationship AND her best friend since she was small moving to California). I don’t know. I told her to go back to counselling but who knows if she will. I’ve been trying to get her on the right track for months now and it’s like dragging a 50lb sack of potatoes around. If she doesn’t want to get better, then there is nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I feel like such a bitch saying that, but I have literally been bending over backwards to get her the help and support she needs, even after she blatantly lied to me and stabbed me in the back, and she resists every step of the way. I’m struggling enough on my own, I don’t need her shit weighing me down, too.
In other news, I reread some of my entries on here from last year… April 2012 I lost 10.5lb in 10 weeks. Without the gym. And I remember doing it, too. And that is par for the course for me when I’m in my starving phases. I think that’s why I’m struggling so much right now. When I get into “drop the weight mode,” I’ve always been able to just…drop the weight. At least to an extent. I usually plateau eventually around 128lb or so. But this time I’m at 10 weeks now and I’ve only lost 6lb. And I KNOW that I haven’t lost more because I’ve built muscle, and as I’ve said before I KNOW that I look better than I usually look at 128lb, and I KNOW that I started at a lower weight this year than usual because I didn’t let myself get as out of hand this year during my binging phase so I’m going to hit my normal plateaus earlier… but it’s still so disheartening to compare this year to last year. It just feels so slow. I’m just ready to be skinny.
*Update*
It has been oh… maybe 2 hours or so since I wrote this entry and I just got a text from Joy saying “I need to learn to listen to you.” Because shejust did the opposite of what I told her to do and guess what? SHE HAS TOTALLY FUCKED UP EVERYTHING WITH HER EX. The guy is a fucking creepy stalker and she agreed to go to the mall with him! After months of us working to get him to leave her alone, she agrees to see him. Now he knows she will cave if he harasses her enough. Now he thinks everything is fine. She just undid all of it. Well you know what? If he starts harassing her again, I am flat out going to tell her that I tried to help her before, she didn’t listen, and now this mess is her problem. I already tried. I’m so mad. She literally has undone months of work with this one action. Months of MY WORK. That I did to help her. Fuck this.
