June 11, 2013
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Test, Fish, and Fear
I did REALLY well on my OAT. Each section, the science total, and the academic average (test total) are all on a scale of 200-400 with 300 being the mean score. The school I want to go to wanted a 310 in Biology, general chem, and math; a 320 in reading comprehension; a 300 in organic chem; a 300 in physics and on total science; and 310 on the academic average. I went into the test not expecting to do very well at all, and while I was taking the test I was convinced that I would fail. But I got my scores back immediately (yay for computerized testing), and I got a 320 in biology, a 350 in general chem, a 300 in orgo, 330 in physics, 340 in math, and a perfect 400 in reading comprehension. My total science was 330 and my academic average was 340. So basically I kicked butt.
I also got new fish today (although they fucked up and gave me the wrong kind of pleco so I need to take him back tomorrow and fix that).
I should be so happy right now. My tanks are good, my test went well…but I’m really not ok right now. I should be happy. I should feel good. Saturday was such a good day. Yesterday my race was ok (I’m still mad about the whole thing but what can I do but prove I can do better next time?) and clearly my day of studying paid off. There is no reason for me to not be alright at the moment, but I’m not. And it pisses me off that I’m not and that just makes it worse. I’m just so over feeling badly and it seems that nothing is going to get me out of it.
I know I need professional help again. I know that I should probably check myself into inpatient. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t. I know I need it but… is it worth it? I don’t know. The rational part of me says of course it is. I could live a real life. I could be ok. But the mentally ill part of me, which is definitely the bigger part, is skeptical. Will my life ever be ok? If I do check myself in, will I ever escape the stigma? And what kind of life will I have on drugs? I’ve seen what antidepressants can do to a person if they aren’t the right drug. Am I willing to go through that hell in the attempt to find one that may help me? And what if none of them help me? It certainly isn’t unheard of. And it is so much work to try to get better and I just don’t know if I have it in me. I’m so tired. I’m so, so incredibly tired. I don’t know if I can do it.
Honestly, I’m just scared. I’ve never been truly ok. At least, not in the last 12 years. Will I still be me? How will I function, what will I do with myself? I’m also scared they will take away my crutches and expect me to go cold turkey – no weed, no Xanga, no private Tumblr (or possibly any Tumblr at all). They will probably make me stop counting calories, which freaks me out. And what about my running? I’m just getting started. I don’t want to lose it now. And what happens to all my fish while I’m gone? I’m full of excuses. It just comes down to being terrified.
But of course, no one understands because no one I’ve talked to about it knows how this feels. They are just worried about me, and I appreciate that, but they don’t understand. They think I should just go and get better. It isn’t that easy. It’s terrifying.
I wish I could just be happy like a normal person.
