June 15, 2013
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Quick Update
Even though I have neither gained nor lost weight in the last 2 weeks, I feel considerably fatter. I took the shortest little break (like 2 days, not even really) from my workouts so I know it isn’t like I lost my muscle and regained fat. I just… feel fatter. I think I look fatter. I don’t see my progress anymore. I just see what I haven’t been able to do for the last two weeks.
Last night was my (no longer) high schooler friend’s graduation party. She is SO TINY. Like, I couldn’t even believe it. She is SO FUCKING SMALL. And she’s always been skinny and she’s always had anorexic tendencies but in the last few weeks since I’ve seen her she has probably halved her size. It’s insane. And my first thought was concern, but my second thought was jealousy. **sigh** Maybe that’s contributing to my fat feeling.
I just got back from the gym. I’m trying to build muscle since muscle burns more calories. I’m afraid, though, that the muscle will make the scale numbers go up since it also weighs more. Also, I have to decide if I want to join this gym or just use the free pass that I got for the rest of the month. I was going to join a yoga studio, but I may just join the gym instead (as long as I can convince myself that it’s worth the financial and physical commitment). I need to decide by tomorrow, though, because I’d be getting a “Father’s Day Weekend” voucher that expires after Father’s Day, which would waive my start up fee. Gaahhhhhhhh.
I just don’t want to be fat anymore. I want the numbers to go down. I want to be strong. I want to have the body that everyone else around me wishes they had. I want to be happy that I’ve reached my goals and that I’ve earned the body that I’ve always dreamed of having.
