June 20, 2013

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  Somehow since Sunday I’ve gained 3lb. I know a lot of it is bloat because it’s the week before my period and I’m severely dehydrated as always and some of it might be muscle since I’ve been going to the gym, but I’ve been thinking for a little while now that I look bigger instead of smaller (even though until now I’ve been plateaued or losing). And honestly, it doesn’t matter to me if I’m gaining muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. Its been 12 weeks and I’ve only lost 8lb. Unacceptable. Less than a pound a week. So I’m stepping it up again.

  I’m only counting cardio exercise as output. Weight training is not output, since even though it burns cals it builds muscles which weighs more. I know this makes zero logical sense, but oh well. 

  I also NEED to get my intakes under control. Right now my nets have been in the “healthy” range and clearly that isn’t working. Back to getting nets under 1000, if I can. I hope I haven’t lost that much willpower.

  I literally have nothing left to lose, I already want to die, so who cares if I hurt myself this way? Better than cutting again I guess (and I’m only not cutting because I have a full body check at the dermatologist in August and I want these fucking scars to go away before then so I don’t have a lot of explaining to do).

  Maybe I can get a good diet pill to help me too… I need to get this fat away so I can be fit and skinny and see a number that makes me happy again. Because then at least one thing in my life will be going in the right direction.

  I may or may not post again later… it will depend on if I need to vent or not I guess. It’s just been so hard to get through work days lately. 

  • 9:09 am
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