July 6, 2013
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21 Days
Last night I ended up at the ER. My headache came back again during the work day and I went home. I called my doctor to tell him that the meds I was on weren’t working and he put me on Imitrex. I had a bad reaction and ended up with severe jaw pain/tension. I also felt unpleasantly drunkish and just not good at all. So my mom took me to the local ER, they gave me benadryl, it worked, and I went home 2 hours later. My heart rate the whole time was INCREDIBLY low the whole time… between 49 and 55. I guess my running is paying off.
Regardless, I had a real moment where I thought I might die. The sheet the pharmacist gave me with the Imitrex said to call the doctor immediately if you experience jaw pain or tightness. I was dizzy and disoriented and very scared. I thought maybe smoking had had a bad interaction with the drug, since I had smoked about 2 hours before I took it. I was surprised at how scared I was considering how suicidal I’ve been. And lo and behold, the moment I figured out that I was going to be ok, I regretted going to the hospital. I wished I had just stayed home went to bed and let myself possibly die in my sleep. No one really cared that I was in the ER. I didn’t even tell Joy until an hour after I got there because she was too absorbed in her own problems and she didn’t seem overly concerned once I did tell her. I did tell the BFX, but of course his new niece was born last night as well so he was only half responding and I hate relying on him for emotional support anyway. I shouldn’t have even texted him. When I got home I was so embarrassed and drugged and upset that I just emotionally vented to him. Just saying that I wish I had let myself die and that I’m alone and miserable and I asked him not to respond. Of course I got a response when I woke up and now I don’t even know what to say back.
I just hate my life. I hate that I feel so stuck. I know I could just pack up and leave. I know that I could just take myself out to bars and meet people. But at the same time I can’t because I have crippling fucking anxiety and I just can’t. And I also have a sense of duty to “stick to the plan.” Even though the plan means another year of exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 3+ months and I’m beyond miserable. I just feel so stuck!
I still ate like a fatass yesterday. Ate my feelings. Ate my frustration with the headache. But I was talking to my mom at the hospital and she said that everyone wants to eat healthier before the cruise so after this weekend we are throwing out all the junk food in the house. So I’ll only be able to binge on apples and watermelon. Sounds good to me.
