Not mamy people know that I have moved back home. I’m ashamed to tell people that I had to quit. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have an excellent fake story to tell, but I am still afraid. I’m afraid they will still forget to invite me even though I am around now. They forgot over the summer a lot, so I don’t see how this will be different.

I can’t even go on Facebook anymore because I just see what I am missing out on in RI.I see the BFX, who still hasn’t spoken to me. And I still haven’t confronted my best friend…and she still hasn’t confrpnted the BFX like she said she would. 

I was miserable in RI. I feel totally alone here. I’m only ok when I am high, but it’s hard to smoke a lot with my parents around. Plus I eat more when I smoke… obvious problem.

Everything is falling apart. Why am I still bothering?

I’m so angry right now I don’t know what to do.

I made a new best friend this year. And she’s great. But she’s also a freshman. And she is also severely depressed and self harms and has screwed up eating patterns. She is basically me when I was a freshman. Regardless, we have been very close. And I was ok with that. Even though her “big brother” in our band fraternity (she is currently an MC, which is our term for pledge) is none other than the BFX. From day 1 she has said that our friendship came first.

But tonight she gave me her personal, password protected Tumblr and I’m trying to figure out why. Because literally all of her posts from February are about me abandoning her, how much she needs me, and how conflicted she is over the whole me/BFX issue that she has been stuck in the middle of against her own volition. So things I wish I could say right now:

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Well, after nearly committing suicide last night, I finally told my parents how depressed I am… 11 years later. And they are supporting me, emotionally and financially, to drop out of URI and move home. So that will be happening this week. I am also getting put in therapy at home, which I am a little nervous about but there is nothing I can do about it at this point. 

I still feel too old for this. I feel like this is a phase teenagers go through and that, by 22, I should have a better handle on my shit. I feel like the adult thing to do is suck it up and push through but I literally can’t do that anymore. I can’t. Suicide hasn’t left my mind for over a momth now. If I don’t change something I will die. Literally. 

So that’s that. After 11 years of lying, hiding, pushing through it, crying, hating myself, liking myself but hating my life, etc. I am finally FINALLY possibly going to get better. I know it will be rough and that there is no quick fix but at least I am making the effort.

I’m an atypical depressed/ED-prone person.

Most depressed/ED people hate themselves. I don’t hate myself. I actually think I’m a pretty good person.

Most depressed/ED people are afraid to ask for help. 

I’ve been SCREAMING for help for months. I’ve put myself in therapy. I have a personal tumblr that some of my IRL friends have the password to that I put all my shit feelings in. I have reached out to the BFX when I wanted nothing more than to swallow all my pills and die. 

But at the end of the day, I still feel alone. I still feel depressed. I still think I’m fat. I still get treated like crap by everyone. I still get abandoned and/or stabbed in the back and/or used by everyone I ever love/care about. As much as I like me, the world treats me like I’m worthless. I only exist to be used. I still fucking hate my life. 

I’m done. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I asked for help. I begged for it. I practically fucking screamed it. And no one came. So fuck it all. I’m done. Done. 

But of course, I’m a coward and I’m not actually going to kill myself even though I think I should.

The smallest things are making me irrationally angry.

I am anxious to the point of being barely functional about 90% of my waking life. That is not hyperbole.

I feel so totally alone all the time, even though I know there are people here in RI that do love me and care about me.

But the BFX left. We aren’t even really speaking. He promised he would always be there for me and he abandoned me, even though he knows I’m in a horrible place mentally. I’m truly starting to believe that if he could leave, everyone will eventually leave. I’m terrified.

Except my best friend M. He always stays – he is the only one that has stuck by me for the last 10 years. And that scares me, too.

Thursday night, the BFX (who officially needs yet another name change as I am about to explain) finally came clean with me. We aren’t best friends, we aren’t going to be best friends, and he isn’t going to try to be best friends. After all of the effort I put into our relationship – romantic or platonic – he isn’t willing to put in any effort at all. He needs “time.” I wasn’t surprised, but it still hurt. The one person who I once thought I would always be able to rely on left me.

Well, after receiving these texts, and knowing that I had off from class Friday thanks to Mr. Nemo, I rushed home to Philadelphia. Since arriving at 12:45am Thursday night/Friday morning, I have yet to leave my house. 

In RI, I am missing all sorts of blizzard shenanigans. And yeah, missing shenanigans/being left out always gives me anxiety.

But here, I am just trying to relax and not die. I wouldn’t say I’m “enjoying” my break from all the shit in Rhode Island (because I don’t really “enjoy” much anymore), but I am glad I came home. Even if I don’t see any friends, this was a good choice. 

No, I’m not happy. No, I’m not ok. No, I don’t really want to live anymore (haven’t for a while now, so whatever). But I’m better here, for lack of a better term, than in RI. I’m hoping that Winter Storm Nemo continues to smile on me and cancels classes Monday so I don’t have to go back tomorrow, but I doubt I’ll get that lucky. It all depends on when Connecticut and Rhode Island reopens their roadways if I can get back anyway. 

I don’t want to go back.

This morning in developmental psychology we were discussing Eric Erikson’s (mean parents right there) stages of psychosocial development. Basically, in adolescent years, one must find their identity, and only after they find their identity can they fully commit to something or someone in early adulthood (marriage, career, etc). Now, I have always been very sure of myself growing up. Despite constant bullying and a lot of self-hate, I knew who I was, what I wanted out of life, and the type of person I wanted to be. That allowed me to form strong committed relationships and long-term life plans before most of my peers possessed the same ability (by the age of 16 I had already been in a 3 year relationship and I pretty much had my life planned out).

However, I feel as though I have regressed. After JC broke up with me, I got very lost. My plans all went out the window and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore. My priorities, which were once very clear to me, seemed jumbled and confused. Nevertheless, I chugged on with my life in a similar fashion, believing that I was still the same person with the same wants, needs, and desires that I had always had. But now, after the whole BFX drama, I know that that is not the case. I refuse to commit to plans more than a week or two away, I refuse to commit to a career (and I’m 22), and I refuse to commit to people. I went from being very advanced to very behind in my psychosocial development because the events in my life forced me to reevaluate my identity – I had to move backwards. 

I raised my hand in class as I was making these realizations and asked the general hypothetical of whether adults suffering from an identity crisis had actually moved back or if they had just halted – my professor said that in some cases they had never fully resolved their identity, or they resolved their identity in a way to make someone else happy but that didn’t make themselves happy, so any commitments become shaky; in other cases, it is a mid-life crisis, which is part of the middle adulthood stage of wanting to leave something behind for the next generation. Neither of those answered my question, but the first answer did lead me to the conclusion that a traumatic or life-altering event (getting fired from a job you love, a divorce, a falling out with someone important to you, a big move, etc) could force you to reevaluate your identity just as much as the first scenario my teacher presented. 

Regardless, I have regressed to the psychosocial development of a teenager, when I spent the majority of my teenage years in the young adult stage of development. And even better, I have no desire to figure it out and move forward again any time soon. I already know that it isn’t all its cracked up to be.

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I went to Joplin and then I came back with the flu… then went back to school a few days late. So its been a little hectic.

Unfortunately, not much has changed for me.

The BFX is being a total asshole… to the point where I wrote him a note the other day explaining how I feel and saying, flat out, “if you still want to be best friends, act like it. If you don’t, then just let me know so I stop wasting my time trying.” Still haven’t heard back, surprise surprise.

My classes are ok. I’m just not very motivated at the moment.

I’m still suicidally depressed. Oh what fun.

That’s about it.

Going to Joplin tomorrow to help rebuild homes that were damaged/destroyed in the tornadoes in May 2011. 

BFX is going. This is going to be a disaster. I’m so done with him. I just want to get over him. I never want to see him again. He is a liar and an asshole. He doesn’t care about me, regardless of what he says. He made zero effort to save our relationship when we had it, zero effort to fix our relationship when he said he would, and zero effort to be a best friend even though he promised we would stay best friends. He has made zero effort to hang out with me or talk to me this past semester. He has made zero effort to contact me over break, even though he knows I’m borderline suicidal. Last time I checked, if you care about someone you check in on them if you know they are that depressed. So fuck him. I do not want to spend a week with him on this fucking trip. Because I hate him… but of course, I’m still in love with him because emotions are stupid and irrational and I hate them.

My “friends” here have yet to respond to my texts, even though they know its my last night home. Ok. That’s cool.

My “friends” in RI exclude me more often than not. My brotherhood has turned into a cliquey drama-fest of SHIT. 

I don’t want to go to Joplin. I don’t want to stay here. I don’t want to go back to Rhode Island.

I just want to disappear.

I’m so fucking done.

I can’t deal with this anymore.

Boys are shit.

My mental state is shit.

My eating habits are shit.

My friends (except for two of them, god bless them) are shit.

My sleep schedule is shit.

My physical state is somehow NOT shit, but it is also not excellent.

And I can’t kill myself (see the two good friends above) and I have no appropriate coping mechanisms. I am turning into a ball of a;jioeajpewiorj;dskf I honestly don’t even have words for how I feel or what I’m thinking or what is going on in my head. I have NO CLUE how to handle my life right now. And as I am DONE relying on the BFX, and usually I message him when I’m like this, and considering he is part (but definitely not all) of the problem, I have seriously no idea what to do or how to handle my life.

I want to get physically sick so that I have an excuse to not move from my bed for days on end. Because for some reason mental illness isn’t a viable reason to do that in our society.