I am going so downhill right now. I don’t even know why.

Lets set depression on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “I’m sad today,” 5 being “moderately depressed,” and 10 being “Suicide is imminent.” In the past two weeks, I have gone from like a 6 to a 9.5 and I don’t know why. I can’t get out of it. I want to die. I see no goddamn point in trying to be happy anymore. I’m 22. My life is a quarter over, and I’ve spent most of it in complete and utter misery. It didn’t get better when I went from middle school to high school. It didn’t get better when I went from high school to college. It has actually gotten WORSE in the last 4-5 months. I don’t understand. I mean yeah, I lost the BFX and its been rough getting through that, and yeah I still love him every bit as much as I did before we broke up, but I’ve been through breakups before and none of them made me feel this bad for this long. None of them made me feel WORSE nearly 5 months after than 3 months after. 

I don’t know what is going on. All I know is that I want it to end.

After anyone commits suicide, people say “but I loved them! I cared about them! Why didn’t they realize that!” Well, I can tell you why. This is why:

Today, right in front of me, a friend invited another friend of mine to see The Hobbit. I was literally standing between them. And these are friends I hang out with on a regular basis, to the point where people make jokes that I practically live at their apartment. I could have been invited. But I wasn’t.

Then, not even 5 minutes later, I was talking to two other friends in the band closet… its a small freaking room. Another friend comes in and asks them to hang out tonight and watch Wall-E. I was, again, RIGHT THERE. And I was, again, ignored, like I wasn’t right there. I was, again, not invited. And all people involved have been saying all semester that we don’t hang out enough, that we should hang out more, yadda yadda.

Just now, the BFX got an invite to the Wall-E thing. They went out of their way to invite him later, but couldn’t take the time to add me in their invite from earlier when I was RIGHT THERE. 

No one asks me to grab dinner. No one asks me to come over later. No one asks me to go to a party with them or hang out with them or grab lunch with them. And I am not exaggerating. I have ONE FRIEND who initiated getting lunch with me this semester. One. And she, in the past, has pulled the kind of shit mentioned above, but all of her closer friends graduated so I’m all that’s left…I’m still a consolation prize. I didn’t matter to her or get invites from her until her “best friends” left. I matter so little to my “friends” that their social lives would not be altered one iota if I died. If I just moved across the world instead of dying, none of them would even care. Before I left they would be like “oh I’ll miss you,” but once I moved they wouldn’t miss me at all. They forget me while I’m here, of course they would forget me the second I left. 

But if I killed myself, they would all be like “omg I loved her why didn’t she see that so many people care about her this is so sad.” And here is their answer: If you actually loved me, you would want to spend time with me. If you actually cared about me, you would care and notice if I wasn’t around at your get togethers. If you loved me and cared about me at all, I would matter enough that if I was standing right in front of you, you would invite me to your plans when you invite my other friends. Who also never invite me to shit. 

I’m so tired of being alone. I haven’t belonged to a group of friends where I was a key friend since elementary school. In middle school I had no friends at all and in high school I was always that friend that only got invited if literally EVERYONE was invited. I was never in the core. I was never invaluable, indispensable, needed, wanted. 

Last year, 2 of my friends said they wanted me around because of ME, not because I was the BFX’s girlfriend. I was SO HAPPY. No one has ever said that to me before. Ever. No one has said they WANTED me somewhere. Seriously. But they both left. And neither of them really talk to me anymore.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to feel wanted. I mean, who doesn’t? All these people tell me they love me and want me to be ok and whatever, but that doesn’t mean anything if they then never make an effort to actually be a friend. Or to act like they really do want me. 

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I miss and love the BFX, but he is being ridiculous. He says he wants one thing for us (that is, to be best best closest friends) but then he either ignores me, avoids me, treats me like someone he barely knows, or flirts with me. I can’t do it. But what other choice do I have? I can’t just cut him out of my life – and I mean that as in it is literally IMPOSSIBLE. We have all the same friends. We are in the same activities and we are in the same sections in most of those activities. I would have to either drop out of school and move home or drop all of my friends and activities and start from scratch… and as this is my 5th year at my school (4 years of undergrad and now I am in a 2 yr grad program), that does not look like a viable option. So all I can do is let him do this to me. He refuses to talk about us (which means there is something to talk about, as juch as he says there isn’t) and every time I call him out on not treating me like the best friend he says I am he gets really pissed off. I guess I can just stop trying and let him realize he has to make the effort, but I don’t know what I would do if he decides that our “best friendship” isn’t worth the effort. I do rely on him a lot; he was my best friend before we dated and he was my best friend while we dated and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling without him. I am struggling so badly.

And to make matters worse, I am an idiot. If you have been around for a while (and I mean a long time) you may remember M. If you haven’t been around, let me recap for you. M has been one of my closest friends since we were in 7th grade…that is 10 full years at this point. Over those years, we dated once, almost dated again, used each other as rebounds, then almost dated AGAIN, and he has just generally been trying to get into my pants for the last 6 years. Well, Friday night, we were both stoned out of our minds and things may have happened. Not sex, but cuddling and making out and a fair bit of groping (sorry if that is TMI). And now I am so confused about that. I don’t want feelings for him. Our friendship has been a rock for me through the years, even though we have definitaly had our rough patches. I don’t want to risk that, especially since I may be losing the BFX. I can’t lose them both. But I liked Friday night. I have definitely thought about M as more than a friend in the past, and it is so easy to fall back into that mindset even though I know it is bad. I also know that my potential M feels might just be because he showed me positive male attention when I am feeling very lonely. I have not been good at being alone at all for the last 10 years…of course I like the first guy who makes me feel less alone. And the fact that I know that about myself just makes me MORE confused because I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. Throw in the fact that I still love the BFX despite all the crap he is putting me through and I am one confused panda.

I haven’t even gotten into the social drama issues or my own personal issues with this time of year, but I think those need to wait for my next entry. This one is already ridiculously long.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that there is a lot that I should be thankful for. My family has always had enough money to put plenty of food on the table (and mostly healthy food at that), a really nice roof over my head, and more. I went to undergrad on a full ride academic scholarship, which was due in part to living in an area with a good public school system and also in part because I am naturally pretty bright. My parents are still together (23 years on Monday) and my little sister turned out to be someone worth admiring. My extended family is small but mostly close-knit and loving. I am a graduate student in a field I care a lot about. I have a handful of friends that really love and care about me and even more friends that I can at least have a good time with. But with all these good things to be thankful for, I still cannot bring myself to get into the spirit of this holiday.

All I can think about is the shit I have been through and the shit I am still going through. All I can think about is the number of times I have been bullied, betrayed, backstabbed, and abandoned both by people I dislike and people that I thought were my friends. All I can think about is how, even now, people who say they will never put me on the backburner or leave me are doing just that. I am sick of feeling so lonely. I am sick of feeling unwanted, of feeling like I am constantly just the second or third choice. This goes for family, too – my little sister is perfect; I am the daughter that could have been great but turned out to be somewhat disappointing. I am sick of never being good enough. And I am sick of trying so damn hard and having nothing to show for it.

It is so hard to be thankful when I am so depressed and anxious all the time. And the fact that I can’t make myself feel grateful for all that I have is even more frustrating… I feel like I am being a spoiled brat. But I can’t help it. I am miserable. I hate this holiday.

Beware, rant ahead. If you think “tl;dr” that is totally fine. And if you are sick of hearing me whine, don’t read it.

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I’m so tired of trying so hard and failing. I’m tired of pouring my heart out to people only to have them stomp on it. Or ignore it (which is almost worse). I’m tired of losing people and of being treated like shit. I’m tired of being forgotten, ignored, and put on the back-burner. 

I try so hard. I try to be the best person I can be. I try to be as genuine and compassionate as I can be. I try to be understanding. I try to fix conflicts before they can start. I try to be there for people when they need me. I’ll drop almost anything for my friends if they need me. 

But I must be doing something wrong. Because I keep getting hurt. And I keep getting shit on. And I keep getting forgotten and/or pushed to the side like I don’t matter as much as everyone else. Then, when people need me, they remember that I’m here.

I need my best friend right now. So badly. But I told him that and he ignored me. He told me I was irritating him. So I poured my heart out to try to get him to understand. And he ignored me. I don’t know what I did. I have worked my ass off for our relationship since last march, and this is how he treats me. 

If he was the first one, I’d say he is an ass and move on. But its everyone. Everyone. Eventually, they all do this in one way or another. They all forget about me or hurt me and abandon me.

I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m sick of it happening over and over. I’m sick of being anxious 24/7. I’m sick of being depressed. I’m sick of second-guessing myself and trying to figure out what I did wrong, what’s wrong with me.

I found out tonight that it takes 750mg of amitriptyline to overdose. I only have 56 10mg pills left. Not worth trying.

He changed his profile pic on fb, and the picture is funny. Its also one that he was embarrassed about earlier, but of course most things that embarrass him at first he finds hilarious just moments later. 

And without meaning to, without consciously realizing that I was about to think it, that errant thought ran through my brain when I saw that he had changed his profile picture on my news feed. 

“God, I love him.”

Oops.

Fuck.

I don’t know what did it, but I broke tonight.

As I type this, I am hyperventilating. Crying hysterically. I can’t do this.

The BFX finally flat out said it – he doesn’t want to be with me. Period. End of discussion. 

I’m so dizzy.

The thing is, I broke before he even came to talk to me. I was crying hysterically and my friend went and got him for me. And he sat and talked with me for an hour. And I cried the whole time. And he was drunk as shit the whole time. And a lot of what he said didn’t help. And a lot of what he said proved that he hasn’t been listening to me. But a lot of what he said forced me to admit stuff that I have been denying to myself.

I am afraid to live.

I never thought I’d make it to 22. I never thought I’d graduate college. I just didn’t think I’d live this long. I figured that if I didn’t kill myself, something else would kill me. I just never felt like I was supposed to be a grown up. And now that I’m here, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be someone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want or what I should want. I don’t know what I’m supposed to care about, because people keep telling me that what I do care about is hurting me. 

I can’t breathe. I’m not ok. I’m not ok.

I don’t know what to do.

The BFX and I had a very long talk tonight. Standing outside. Both tipsy. In the cold. I basically confronted him about everything I said in my last post, and he confronted me about a lot of shit as well. And now I’m so confused.

He was so right about a few things. He was right that I need to stop seeing the worst in people and he was right that I need to start appreciating and recognizing the people who care about me. I need to start treating those people with the love and care that they try to show me (even if they don’t always do a perfect job, because everyone is only human). He was right that I need to try to push through this and stop dwelling on the negatives because it doesn’t help anyone.

But I am still so hurt. And I still miss him. And he still made a lot of mistakes, too. And I still love him. So much. And its hard to not dwell on that. Its hard to not think about how much he has hurt me, how many promises he has broken, how many things he said he’d do that he hasn’t done. Its hard to say “this is negative” and move on.

Can I let go of all the other negatives but hold on to him? Can I still hope that he will keep his original word and maybe try to fix us? It seems stupid now to hope that. Those were my last words to him as our conversation ended – that he said he would try, and he never did. It was the last message I wanted to get across to him. I wonder if it will make a difference.

I’m so confused.