I want to die.
I am done being strong for everyone else when no one is strong for me when I need them. I am tired of being put in second place or thrown aside or made to wait on the backburner. I am done feeling this helpless and alone all the time.
I just want it to end.

I am so hurt and angry right now. 

Last night my ex JC messaged me. Just to talk. But it threw me. And while that was happening, my Israeli friend wasn’t talking to me, the BFX wasn’t answering me, my big brother was out and didn’t bother to invite me even though he invited his ex, and my high school friend was freaking out and K was having a horrible night and Joy was flipping out and I was already feeling like crap on my own. So at 1am I told my high school friend that I had to go to sleep, but then I got a text from Joy saying “help.” Then nothing. I texted, facebook chatted, and called – no reply. So then I facebook messaged and texted the BFX to see if he could get in touch with her. No reply. I fell asleep thinking she may be dying or dead.

So then I wake up to texts from both of them telling me that she had gone to his house to get away from her mom and both of them had been asleep when I was trying to contact them and that they were both sorry I had been so worried. You know what? I’m glad she is ok but FUCK THEM. How do you send someone “help” and then FALL ASLEEP!?!?!?!? I’m just so frustrated. She needed help. She said she wanted help. I got her into therapy. She barely went. I called the fucking women’s center for her when her ex was stalking her. She never went. Then after all I’ve done for her to get him to leave her be, she hung out with him. And I told her not to trust another one of her friends but once again she didn’t listen and I was left to pick up the pieces when I was right AGAIN. I tell her how to get away from her mom or what to say to her mom and she doesn’t listen. I have tried to get her help more recently and she is resistant. I have done EVERYTHING for her and she just creates more messes for me to clean up. I am not her mother. I’m not even her fucking best friend. She says I am but if she had to pick between the BFX and me I know for a fact that she would choose him. Which just hurts even worse because she knows how I feel about that entire situation.

I just feel even more alone. I didn’t know that was possible.

I love my dad and my uncle and my grandfather but I DO NOT feel like going over to my cousin’s for Father’s Day at all. Right now it’s all I can do to not smoke my brains out and then just sleep the rest of the day.

I can’t function. I’ve reached my breaking point. I’ve somehow gotten through the last few months but after last night and this morning… I’m just done. I am 100% done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m so tired of it. I’m just so tired in general. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted all the time. I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. 

Even though I have neither gained nor lost weight in the last 2 weeks, I feel considerably fatter. I took the shortest little break (like 2 days, not even really) from my workouts so I know it isn’t like I lost my muscle and regained fat. I just… feel fatter. I think I look fatter. I don’t see my progress anymore. I just see what I haven’t been able to do for the last two weeks.

Last night was my (no longer) high schooler friend’s graduation party. She is SO TINY. Like, I couldn’t even believe it. She is SO FUCKING SMALL. And she’s always been skinny and she’s always had anorexic tendencies but in the last few weeks since I’ve seen her she has probably halved her size. It’s insane. And my first thought was concern, but my second thought was jealousy. **sigh** Maybe that’s contributing to my fat feeling.

I just got back from the gym. I’m trying to build muscle since muscle burns more calories. I’m afraid, though, that the muscle will make the scale numbers go up since it also weighs more. Also, I have to decide if I want to join this gym or just use the free pass that I got for the rest of the month. I was going to join a yoga studio, but I may just join the gym instead (as long as I can convince myself that it’s worth the financial and physical commitment). I need to decide by tomorrow, though, because I’d be getting a “Father’s Day Weekend” voucher that expires after Father’s Day, which would waive my start up fee. Gaahhhhhhhh. 

I just don’t want to be fat anymore. I want the numbers to go down. I want to be strong. I want to have the body that everyone else around me wishes they had. I want to be happy that I’ve reached my goals and that I’ve earned the body that I’ve always dreamed of having. 

Even if Xanga is saved, it will be changed forever. WordPress is an entirely different sight and who knows how that alone will change Xanga. Furthermore, so many of you won’t want to or can’t pay to actually blog. 

I’ve been on Xanga since I was 12 or 13 years old (9-10 years ago). My first blog was mostly used to journal and the only people who read my blog were my friends from school (and some people who were decidedly not friendly whatsoever from my school who used what I wrote to bully me). There was a ton of drama started by what people said on Xanga – like the time my “best friend” in high school posted that I was the cause of all of her depression when in reality I was the only one truly there for her and she was just taking out her frustration on me. Or the time I complained about how a drum line instructor treated me (he literally grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me) and 2 other girls in the drum line got really pissed because he was their favorite instructor. So that was my first blog. It’s still running – I haven’t shut it down – although I don’t think I’ve posted in over 2 or 3 years there. I’ll definitely need to back that one up before Xanga goes.

My second Xanga site was for my poetry. I fancied myself poetic when I was younger (I think it is a symptom of being part of the goth/punk counter culture) and posted a whole bunch of (pretty bad) poems. However, no one really visited that site and since I already had a DeviantArt I shut that one down only a few months after starting it. 

And then I started this Xanga back in 2009 when my ED behavior reached its peak. I hadn’t realized before that moment that I had had any ED behavior whatsoever. Even though my friends had been telling me that I was unhealthily focused on my weight and even though I was counting literally every little calorie that was going into my body, I never thought that was disordered. Then I found the “pro-ana/mia” blogrings here and I quickly made a site and joined up. As I said, this was the height of my ED behavior. I became fully immersed in this subculture and have been semi-attached to it ever since.

But to me, this has become so much more. Within the last 2 years I realized that being “pro” whatever is ridiculous and bad. I don’t want to be considered that anymore. I don’t want to give people tips or see others give people tips on how to get eating disorders. Why would anyone want this? Why would anyone help someone else feel this way? This is when I discovered that the ED community on Xanga is so much more than pro-ana/mia. We are so much more than that. We support each other no matter what. If we want to be supported in our weightloss, we are. If we want to be supported in recovery, we do that too. If we’re down and out and our troubles have nothing to do with food, we still support each other. I used to worry that if I posted intakes above 1000 that I’d be judged. And maybe the core of the “pro-ana/mia” people would judge me. But the friends I’ve found here, the blogs I follow, and the people who follow me are so much better than that. You all support me no matter what I do, what I eat, how I feel, or what I’m going through. 

My journey on Xanga has clearly been a long one. How I use Xanga and how Xanga is used in general has changed a lot. My perception of myself has also changed a lot throughout my time here. 

You are all amazing and I do not want to lose a single one of you. So I have decided that I will be making both a blogger/blogspot and a LiveJournal. Right now my friends and people I follow are literally split 50/50 on where they are going and I cannot bear the thought of choosing one over the other. I’ll probably make these in an hour or two (gotta go for a run first!) and then I’ll post my usernames. (I’m hoping to be shad0wsneedlight on both sites, but we’ll see if that name is available). I will post the exact same content on both sites (copy and paste is a wonderful invention) and on here until Xanga disappears (or even if it stays, since I already donated and therefore have bought myself another year here should Xanga survive). I have already written down everyone’s usernames from those sites that have posted such information so as soon as I make them I will find you. 

No matter what happens, thank you all so much for your support no matter the circumstance. And thank you, Xanga, for being a part of my life for almost a decade. It’s been a long, rocky, and sometimes weird road, but I wouldn’t do it any other way. You are all amazing people. So again, thank you. 

I did REALLY well on my OAT. Each section, the science total, and the academic average (test total) are all on a scale of 200-400 with 300 being the mean score. The school I want to go to wanted a 310 in Biology, general chem, and math; a 320 in reading comprehension; a 300 in organic chem; a 300 in physics and on total science; and 310 on the academic average. I went into the test not expecting to do very well at all, and while I was taking the test I was convinced that I would fail. But I got my scores back immediately (yay for computerized testing), and I got a 320 in biology, a 350 in general chem, a 300 in orgo, 330 in physics, 340 in math, and a perfect 400 in reading comprehension. My total science was 330 and my academic average was 340. So basically I kicked butt.

I also got new fish today (although they fucked up and gave me the wrong kind of pleco so I need to take him back tomorrow and fix that). 

I should be so happy right now. My tanks are good, my test went well…but I’m really not ok right now. I should be happy. I should feel good. Saturday was such a good day. Yesterday my race was ok (I’m still mad about the whole thing but what can I do but prove I can do better next time?) and clearly my day of studying paid off. There is no reason for me to not be alright at the moment, but I’m not. And it pisses me off that I’m not and that just makes it worse. I’m just so over feeling badly and it seems that nothing is going to get me out of it. 

I know I need professional help again. I know that I should probably check myself into inpatient. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t. I know I need it but… is it worth it? I don’t know. The rational part of me says of course it is. I could live a real life. I could be ok. But the mentally ill part of me, which is definitely the bigger part, is skeptical. Will my life ever be ok? If I do check myself in, will I ever escape the stigma? And what kind of life will I have on drugs? I’ve seen what antidepressants can do to a person if they aren’t the right drug. Am I willing to go through that hell in the attempt to find one that may help me? And what if none of them help me? It certainly isn’t unheard of. And it is so much work to try to get better and I just don’t know if I have it in me. I’m so tired. I’m so, so incredibly tired. I don’t know if I can do it.

Honestly, I’m just scared. I’ve never been truly ok. At least, not in the last 12 years. Will I still be me? How will I function, what will I do with myself? I’m also scared they will take away my crutches and expect me to go cold turkey – no weed, no Xanga, no private Tumblr (or possibly any Tumblr at all). They will probably make me stop counting calories, which freaks me out. And what about my running? I’m just getting started. I don’t want to lose it now.  And what happens to all my fish while I’m gone? I’m full of excuses. It just comes down to being terrified. 

But of course, no one understands because no one I’ve talked to about it knows how this feels. They are just worried about me, and I appreciate that, but they don’t understand. They think I should just go and get better. It isn’t that easy. It’s terrifying. 

I wish I could just be happy like a normal person.

Friday night I nearly killed myself. The BFX and M talked me down, but it was really rough. I hate that I still rely on the BFX when I get that close. I shouldn’t. And he makes me feel like I should be grateful he even still talks to me, let alone helps me. I hate it. And I told him so. He didn’t really respond to it, kinda just skipped over that part. Again, made me feel like I should be grateful he still talks to me at all. Just. Ugh. Neither the BFX or M checked in on me yesterday; you’d think they would after Friday night but nope. The BFX did message me today to see how my race went, but we’ll get there later.

Yesterday was INSANE. I woke up not wanting to move. I was still in full on depression mode from Friday night. I considered asking my dad if I could stay home from work but I had a lot else to do and I knew that if I asked off of work I wouldn’t be able to go out later. So I went to work. Luckily it was pretty busy so I couldn’t dwell much. Then, after getting home, I had an hour to shower and get ready for a wedding – but not just a wedding, because I needed to leave the wedding early to go to a WWII reenactment swing dance an hour away and I had to look the part. So that took FOREVER and I barely made it to the wedding on time, but miraculously I did. It was my “big brother”‘s dad’s wedding – he (and his brothers) were not thrilled that their dad was getting remarried only a year and a half after their mother’s death so I was supposed to be emotional support. Of course I had to leave, and big bro was being really nasty about it leading up to the wedding, but after the ceremony he got drunk enough that he didn’t care anymore. Also his brothers helped me out to get out of there and to make sure he was alright the rest of the night. He’s the youngest of the three of them so I knew he’d be alright with them. 

Fuck, I gotta get to sleep. Alright, speed typing time. So after the wedding I went to the WWII dance thing because a friend of mine from school was there and he normally lives 5 hours away so I knew if I didn’t go up and see him it would be a long time before I got the chance again. It was actually really fun and very interesting. Here’s a picture of us in our 1940′s best (ignore my fatass arms… no matter what I do they always look like they belong to someone who weighs 50lb more than I do).

So we had a good time. He’s going through a rough spot now, his ex kind of stomped all over his heart and then started sleeping with one of his best friends and last week they became Facebook official sooooo… yeah. He and I commiserated and talked about what we’ve been going through and then said “fuck everyone else” and just had a great time. We danced and he showed me all the WWII era planes (since the whole thing was taking place at a hanger for those kind of planes) and there were fireworks and I met some of his ROTC/reenactment buddies and it was just a good time. I’m so glad I went, it was a complete turn around from the night before.

This morning was my 5k race – the one I’ve been training for. Of course I drank at the wedding and then danced at the dance and ran around looking at the planes and did I ever rehydrate myself? Nope. So at about the 1.75 mile mark I got literally the worst cramp of my entire life, no exaggeration. I couldn’t stand up straight, I almost vomited… I tried to push through it but I had to slow down and walk. But I never stopped. I kept walking and pushed myself. I started out going SO FAST though so I ended up doing the whole thing in 34:47… it’s an average pace of 11:22. I really wanted to do under 11 and I’m so mad at myself because had I hydrated I probably would have. I finished 173 overall out of over 400. My sister, the half marathon runner that she is, scored 5th in her age group and 40th overall. My mom got 103 overall, and my dad was somewhere between my mom and I. Regardless, everyone is telling me I did really well but I feel like I failed. I’m going to sign up for another one in about a month and prove that I got this. And this time I won’t be out until 1am the night before and I will make sure to drink plenty of water.

The rest of my day has been study study study. I took an online practice test for the OAT, which I’m taking tomorrow in 13 hours and 45 mintues. Overall I got an ok score (320 out of 400 with 300 being the mean score. The school I want to get into takes an average of 310 overall), but my subject scores were grossly out of whack and unfortunately they do look at subject breakdown. My reading comprehension and quantitative (math) were EXCELLENT, my biology was decent, but my general and organic chemistry and physics were godawful. So that brought be right back down. I’ve been stressed out the rest of the day trying to study but because of my ADD I couldn’t focus for very long and it’s just been bad. My dad helped me study later in the evening and I always do better when I have someone else to keep me on track so that really helped. Tomorrow I’ve gotta review the chem and physics stuff before my test… I really need to go to sleep. So yeah. 

As a reward, once I’m done, I’m getting more fishies! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned my tanks yet but I’ll definitely do a post on them tomorrow or Tuesday since I don’t have the time now and this post is long enough. But here are pictures of two of my three tanks:

This one is a 20g tall tank and currently has 3 platy fish in it. It will get 2 new platy fish and a bristlenose pleco tomorrow and in another week or two it will also get 2 angelfish.

This one is a 5g and is currently empty but will get 2 otocinclus catfish tomorrow and then later a betta will go in as well.

My third tank is a 10g with a single goldfish in it. His name is January, but I’ve started to call him Mr. Nubby because he got horrible fin rot and now he has no front fins, only these little muscular nubbies. He was my sister’s fish, but as she let him get that way in the first place he is now my fish. I’ve never done cold water fish before (besides goldfish as a kid but that doesn’t count), but I have already been giving him meds for a week to kill the finrot bacteria. He’s going to get another week of treatment and then we’ll just work on repairing the damage. It will take a LONG time but I think he’ll get through it. Poor Mr. Nubby. His nubbies are so adorable but I just feel so awful for him. I have no idea how he’s still swimming. I’ll show you a picture later as I don’t have one at the moment.

And with that, I’m going to sleep. Goodnight everyone. 

Now my “mutual friend” as I’ve been calling her in RI, who will henceforth be known as K (although I’ve only got another month on here but meh, she’s K), is also suicidal.

I have my high schooler friend, my “big brother”, and K all suicidal. All have variations of eating disorders as well. 

Joy is depressed, has anxiety, is somewhat suicidal, and has ED tendencies as well.

M met a new girl, so I don’t know if that has changed his outlook any, but if it hasn’t then he is also pretty depressed (though he copes better than anyone else I know).

Then there is B, who is insensitive as all hell but means well. And he’s in a rough place in life, but luckily not actually depressed as far as I know.

And my Israeli friend… he personally is doing very well and is probably the only person that I’m friends with that is actually really happy with their life, but as for things between the two of us, that’s just a mess I’m not getting into right now.

So basically, I have 3 friends (high schooler, M, and big bro) here in Philly that I hang out with. 2 of them are suicidal and all 3 are depressed. Of my 2 friends in RI, both are depressed and somewhat suicidal. The 2 people in my life who AREN’T depressed are both less than helpful 95% of the time, though Israeli friend does slightly better than B. And while I talk to my Israeli friend more than anyone else on a daily basis, he and B know the least about how depressed I am because they are the least helpful. 

Yeah. This isn’t good for any of us. A bunch of broken pieces supporting other broken pieces. If one of us falls – and that is seeming more likely every day – then a domino effect will take place and I don’t know where it would stop. That scares me, because I can’t even say it would stop with me. I don’t think it would. 

This is terrifying.

Yesterday was my cousins birthday and despite a 2 mile run in the morning and an hour long walk after dinner, I still managed to net almost 2000 calories. FML. I haven’t had a net that high in a long time. I know I’ve been eating more lately, around “healthy” weight loss amount (which I’m slowly getting out of and back down into numbers I’m more comfortable with), but I really haven’t eaten that much in a long time. Fuck. So today I’m trying to keep it low. I’m at 1000 now and I’m going to do everything in my power to not eat anymore today, although if I get the chance to smoke later who knows what high me will decide. 

I’m so depressed and anxious all the time now. I had a total breakdown this morning before I went to go have an interview with one of the head guys at the optometry school I’m trying to get into. I just want a day off. A day where no one expects me to do anything, where I can smoke and read and unwind. A day where, if I feel lonely, I can call a friend and we can go get coffee, but if I don’t want to go anywhere then I don’t have to. A day where I can wake up and have a great run to get my day started and then just spend the rest of the day riding that good feeling. A day where I can draw if I feel like it, I can play uke if I feel like it, I can play video games if I feel like it… but if I feel like not doing any of those things then I don’t feel pressure to do them (my drawing and video games are definitely pressure things because of my Israeli friend… the drawing is for him and the video games were a gift from him). I just need one day. One day to myself where everyone leaves me alone unless I don’t want them to. But am I going to get a day like that anytime in the near future? No. No I am not.

I don’t know how to function anymore. It’s all so bad. I don’t know how I’m getting through each day.

Oh, yeah. And my “big brother” tried to commit suicide twice this week. One of the three people who actually hangs out with me and he is trying to kill himself. And my friend who’s still in high school is also suicidal. Two of my three real friends might kill themselves. And who knows, I might kill myself. I probably will if either of them do. The idea of losing anyone close to me right now – especially one of those three people – is beyond crippling. Just thinking about it I can feel my anxiety rising. I can’t. I can’t deal with it. If one of them goes, I’m gone. I can barely get through my life now; without them I’d lose any sense of functionality that I am just barely clinging to at the moment. I’d be done. I’m so close to done already.

I know I should be happy. My interview today went really well (although it did take three fucking hours). I saw M for the first time in a month and we have plans to get coffee Wednesday morning. I texted a friend from high school that I haven’t seen in a while and who I’m hoping to catch up with soon. 

But I didn’t study. And I can’t smoke right now because my mom is home and my sister took our car so I can’t go anywhere. I need to vent to someone but I can’t because obviously 2/3 of my friends here are so fucked up and I can’t put this on them anymore and I already saw M today and I don’t want him worry about me when he’s worried about my big brother too. Another friend, B, usually makes me feel worse (not intentionally, he’s just beyond insensitive without realizing it). And my RI friends are basically just Joy and our mutual friend and fuck Joy and our mutual friend listened to me this morning when I had my total breakdown… and while she isn’t suicidal, she also has a lot of personal problems (like anxiety and bulimia) so I don’t want to put too much on her, either, when I know she’s been super stressed out lately as well.

Sorry for this long ass fucking rant. I just… I have nothing else to say anymore. I literally think of nothing else but everything I have to do and how much it isn’t going to get done because I’m just too stressed to do it and I can’t focus on anything long enough for my efforts to be worthwhile. Which just makes me feel worse because obviously if I can’t even accomplish these tasks then I’m fucking useless. Fuck everything. I just want to be done with life for a little while.

I have been a member of Xanga for 10 years now. This is my third blog. I have inactivated one of the previous and the other is still running but I haven’t updated in probably 2 years or so because I have this account (which was originally meant to be a secondary account but whatever). 

Even if Xanga survives (and I hope it does), blogging through Xanga will forever be a changed experience. You will have to be $4/month to blog (although to subscribe and comment is free). Since I already donated, if Xanga doesn’t die I will be able to continue blogging for another year, but I know many of my acquaintances and friends here can’t afford that expense. As this blog was originally intended to be part of the diet/ED circle of blogs, most of my subscriptions and subscribers are here to support others and receive support. If you don’t pay for the blog, you can do the first but not the second because if you can’t post then I can’t know what’s going on in your life and I can’t support you. So, even if it survives, I foresee a lot of you leaving, which makes me very very sad.

I want everyone to know that I do have a personal Tumblr where I sort of discuss this type of stuff. It is locked. I also have a public Tumblr. If anyone else has a Tumblr or decides to make a Tumblr due to the circumstances, PLEASE let me know. I want to stay in touch with as many of you as possible as you have all been a wonderful support to me and I would like to be able to continue supporting you as well in return.

Also, as a heads up: If Xanga survives, I am thinking of doing some sort of contest for my precious few active subscribers so that I may possibly buy you Xanga for a year. I’m not sure how I would do this yet (or if Xanga will let you gift subscriptions, but I feel like they should. Most other sites with paid options, like DeviantArt, do make that possible), but if it is possible and Xanga survives then I’m going to come up with something. Depending on my financial status at the time I may give out more than one. We’ll see. IF YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN ME HAVING THIS CONTEST OR DRAWING OR WHATEVER AND YOU WOULD PARTICIPATE IN IT, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT. IF THERE IS NO INTEREST THEN I’M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY TIME THINKING SOMETHING UP.

No matter what happens, I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here on Xanga, especially the last 4 years that I’ve had this particular blog. I haven’t always been active and my friends have come and gone but I will forever remember what this site has done for me. You are all excellent people inside and out, no matter what you may think, and I can’t thank you enough for just being here. 

I don’t really know what to say.

I’m done with Joy. Not that she knows it…or will. I’m just. Ah. I don’t know. I don’t know whether or not I believe a word she says. She claims to be having flashbacks/hallucinations at very inopportune moments… and I want to believe her. I do. But I know for a fact that she cuts for attention, and as someone who self-harms it really hurts me to say that about anyone because I know first hand that most people who self harm DON’T do it for attention even though that is the stereotype. But I also know for certain that she does do it, at least in part, for the attention. And I know this because she purposefully cuts in places that are very, very obvious and went out of her way to make sure all of her friends group saw the cuts/was aware of it. And then she flipped out to me when they yelled at her to stop. Well, I don’t know what else she expected. And again, it hurts me to say that this is the case, and if I didn’t witness it myself I wouldn’t believe it, but this is how it is. So back to the point, I just don’t know if I believe that she’s really having these hallucinations or whatever. I’m sure that she’s probably having strong painful memories (“flashbacks”) but that’s normal when you’re getting over something (in her case, a 3 year emotionally abusive relationship AND her best friend since she was small moving to California). I don’t know. I told her to go back to counselling but who knows if she will. I’ve been trying to get her on the right track for months now and it’s like dragging a 50lb sack of potatoes around. If she doesn’t want to get better, then there is nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I feel like such a bitch saying that, but I have literally been bending over backwards to get her the help and support she needs, even after she blatantly lied to me and stabbed me in the back, and she resists every step of the way. I’m struggling enough on my own, I don’t need her shit weighing me down, too.

In other news, I reread some of my entries on here from last year… April 2012 I lost 10.5lb in 10 weeks. Without the gym. And I remember doing it, too. And that is par for the course for me when I’m in my starving phases. I think that’s why I’m struggling so much right now. When I get into “drop the weight mode,” I’ve always been able to just…drop the weight. At least to an extent. I usually plateau eventually around 128lb or so. But this time I’m at 10 weeks now and I’ve only lost 6lb. And I KNOW that I haven’t lost more because I’ve built muscle, and as I’ve said before I KNOW that I look better than I usually look at 128lb, and I KNOW that I started at a lower weight this year than usual because I didn’t let myself get as out of hand this year during my binging phase so I’m going to hit my normal plateaus earlier… but it’s still so disheartening to compare this year to last year. It just feels so slow. I’m just ready to be skinny.

*Update*

It has been oh… maybe 2 hours or so since I wrote this entry and I just got a text from Joy saying “I need to learn to listen to you.” Because shejust did the opposite of what I told her to do and guess what? SHE HAS TOTALLY FUCKED UP EVERYTHING WITH HER EX. The guy is a fucking creepy stalker and she agreed to go to the mall with him! After months of us working to get him to leave her alone, she agrees to see him. Now he knows she will cave if he harasses her enough. Now he thinks everything is fine. She just undid all of it. Well you know what? If he starts harassing her again, I am flat out going to tell her that I tried to help her before, she didn’t listen, and now this mess is her problem. I already tried. I’m so mad. She literally has undone months of work with this one action. Months of MY WORK. That I did to help her. Fuck this.