So last night I ended up completely breaking down and messaging the BFX about how upset I was. I literally didn’t know what else to do. I immediately regretted it; he wasn’t nearly as helpful as he used to be. Or…at all. I don’t know why I thought that if I was in enough trouble my best friend would just magically come back. What a fucking joke. He was nice enough, but really didn’t do anything to make me feel better at all. He used to know exactly what to say to calm me down. Last night he just… he didn’t make it worse, but he sure as hell didn’t make it better either. So as soon as I got that kick in the gut, I messaged my “big brother” and went to his house. I was surprised he was open to me coming over, but I think I just sounded so desperate that he couldn’t say no. Also, earlier yesterday I agreed to be his date to his dad’s wedding, which is a huge deal because he has no desire to go to his dad’s wedding and originally wasn’t going to go at all (long story) and he recently got dumped so I’m basically going to have to be one huge support system that night, so I think he may have felt like he owed me. Regardless, I ended up feeling alright while I was at his house, and the BFX kept messaging me the whole night, but when I woke up this morning all of it came rushing back and hit me like a ton of bricks (as I said in my pulse). It just… it fucking sucked.

And what’s also incredibly frustrating, on top of all of the fucking depression and the struggle to not be a fat fuck and control myself and eat less (which I’m not doing at all), is the fact that my parents can’t wrap their head around the fact that a)I’m a fucking busy person and b)I’m an adult and can take of my own shit. Just to give you an idea, right now I have the following to do:

• Clean up my essay for optometry school
• Study for the Optometry Admission Test, which I am taking on June 10
• Finish my TickSmart™ Tick Prevention Certification Lesson Plan so that I can ask the professor that I’m making it for to write me a letter of recommendation
• Call the guy that basically founded the Pennsylvania School of Optometry, who helped get my dad into the school years ago and who is willing to help me if I set up a time to meet him
• Actually set aside time to meet the guy from the above bullet
• Work full time
• Tutor 2 high school honors physics students
• Train for my race on June 9
• Finish my digital painting that I’m making for my Israeli friend
• Make a desktop wallpaper for my coworker (I already made one for my other coworker so I can’t not make one for her)
• Start my aquarium, which I set up on Sunday
• Finish putting together my goddamn room, which has been in a transitional state since I moved home in February
• Make time to practice ukulele (I spent the money to buy it, I want to learn to use it)
• Finish Portal and Portal 2 since they were gifts from my Israeli friend and he wanted me to finish them so we could play multiplayer together (I’ve had them for over a month)
• Finish the book series I’m reading (I’m 3/4 through the book I’m on and I have 3 more after it)
• Take care of my anorexic leopard gecko (she isn’t sick. Just stupid.)

So yeah. I’m a busy person. Except that I’m so fucking depressed that I can barely get myself to do more than go to work, train for my race, and then maybe do one other thing that day, not including reading. Reading I can do anytime. Reading is actually like my escape from all the other crap I have to do. But my mom is constantly yelling at me about studying and doing the tick program and did I call the PCO guy yet and did I remember to feed the goldfish (which I have never forgotten to do since aquarium keeping is sort of my thing), etc. etc. I agreed to clean my bathroom that I share with my sister, but my mom decided it was too dirty THE DAY BEFORE I HAD SET ASIDE TIME TO CLEAN IT and did it for me, then got upset about me not cleaning it. WTF. I have more than proven myself over the last 5 years to be a capable and responsible adult. I graduated college – which I had a full ride academic scholarship to, btw – Summa Cum Laude. I also applied to and got accepted to a selective Master’s program and got my first ever 4.0 semester while in that graduate level program. And I did that all without my mom being there to nag me about what I have to get done. So I don’t know why she feels the need to do it now. I’ll get it done, I’ll get it done well, and I’ll get it done on my terms. UGH! This is why I resisted moving home until I literally could not be in Rhode Island anymore.

So I feel totally utterly alone and isolated, the BFX has pretty much shoved it in my face that he is not and will not be my best friend ever again, I’ve got more to do than I’ve got time to do it, my depression is near all time high levels, I can’t motivate myself to restrict better to start actually losing some weight, and my mom won’t fucking let me get my shit done at my own fucking pace. 

Oh, but the best part is, when I’m physically sick (my allergies are acting up), she’s all nice and offers to make me a cup of tea. But when I’m mentally at my breaking point, she just pushes me harder. No. Fuck you. My mother is a children’s and adolescent’s psychologist. She should fucking know better. Like, when I moved home, we agreed that I would go into therapy here in Philly. But did either of my parents ever follow up to make sure I got that help? Nope. Because why the hell would we address a problem when we are all so good at pretending it doesn’t exist?

Well, I’ve wasted enough of your time with my ranting crap. I need to go finish that tick program so I can cross that off my list. Although I’m a day behind on training (going to lose my rest day on Thursday) and two days behind on OAT studying. And I need to email the high school physics teacher of my students. And finish at least ONE of the things for my Israeli friend. And the desktop wallpaper. Fuck. It never fucking ends!!!

You all must be getting tired of me. All I do is complain. And I’m about to do more of it. And it isn’t even like I have anything new to complain about.

I just feel so alone. All the time. It’s awful. My few friends don’t seem to care, or care to understand, and leave me alone. In the last three weeks the only people I’ve seen are my family, my coworkers, and my one friend that’s still in high school. That’s it. I do nothing with my weekends. I’m 22. I’m supposed to be out having a good time, living it up. But no one cares to invite me anywhere. I’m nothing but a second thought. Not to M, or my “big brother,” or any of the people I left behind in RI (not including Joy, but you all know that’s a totally different story). Not to my Israeli friend. I’m just someone to talk to while he’s at work or when he needs someone to bounce ideas off of. I don’t know why I keep thinking there’s anything more there. There isn’t. He didn’t even care when I said I was having a weird day today. Just blew right over it. And the BFX… he makes me feel like I should be grateful he even speaks to me but I really need my best friend back. I do. I’m so lost. But clearly I can’t talk to him about anything more deep than fish tanks because I promised that there would be no more discussions.

I’m just so done. I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine carrying on my life this way. I really can’t. I can’t do this for a whole year until I start school and maybe meet some new people. I feel so utterly and completely alone. It’s awful. I’ve never felt this alone before. 

And the more I whine about it, the more alone I’m going to become. Ugh.

Seriously, don’t waste your time.

Continue reading →

I’ve been so depressed and anxious lately that I haven’t been talking much about how my weightloss is going.

Basically, I got back on the weightloss wagon exactly 2 months ago. In that time, I have only lost 5 to 5.5lb even though I’ve been REALLY good for most of the last two months. I know I’m building muscle, and I know that muscle weighs more than fat, but it is infuriating to not see the scale move! I still haven’t passed my second goal weight! I’m hovering around it, but I can’t get solidly under it. 

The last two weeks I’ve kind of just given up, except not even. I still count every calorie, but I let myself eat more than I should. I’m eating  ”healthy weightloss” amounts and it makes me sick to see those numbers. They are so high. And I’m not eating that much to be healthy. I’m eating that much because I can’t fucking control myself. And every day I say “today I will get back on the wagon” and then I blow it again. I keep making excuses for why I eat so much, but the fact of the matter is just that I can’t not eat that much. I can’t control myself at all. And until I start, I am not going to get the results I want. 

Fitness wise, I’ve improved significantly. I started training for my 5k run on March 31. My first day out, I could only run 0.6 miles. On Wednesday I ran 3 miles. And this is how I know that I’m building muscle. That and because my legs are almost constantly sore. 

So despite my inability to control myself and the muscle that is making the scale stay put, I had an epiphany of sorts the other day. I see all these before and after pictures of girls who started out 20, 50, 100lb heavier than me and get down to be super super skinny with flat stomachs. And I always told myself “my body just isn’t built that way. No matter how much I diet and exercise, that will never be me.” And it gave me an excuse in the past to give up when I plateaued even though I still had a belly and I still wasn’t satisfied. And yes, I do ACTUALLY have some big bones. My shoulders are very broad and my ribs are freaking wide as a house and longer than average (it makes buying some clothes very frustrating since my natural waist sits lower than average because of it), but that doesn’t mean that I can’t get a flat stomach. That doesn’t mean I can’t get to my UGW. If all of those girls in all of those before an after pictures can do it, I can do it. I just need to control myself better and stick with it even if the going gets tough. I’m ready to be a before and after, not just to keep looking at them. 

I stopped posting intakes because I just became preoccupied with some other things, but I’m going to start posting them again. Not necessarily what I eat, because that’s tedious, but just in, out, and net. I think that the pressure of people seeing it will help me start bringing my nets down to a good place again (well, they are in a “healthy” place now, but I mean “good” as in what I would like to see, not healthy). I’m also going to step up my training and make an effort to have my outs be AT LEAST 200cal every day, including rest days, because working out doesn’t just burn calories while you are working out but also boosts your metabolism for the rest of the day. 

I will do this. I will be thin. Even if it takes forever, I’m not quitting this time. I will reach my UGW, I will be the after picture. I’m going to pick myself up and get back on this fucking wagon and nothing is going to throw me from it again.

I need a break from life. Again. I’m getting worse. I don’t know how I lasted in Rhode Island as long as I did. I was so bad up there. I’m not nearly as bad now as I was then, or at least I don’t think I am, but I am nearly as close to breaking as I was then. 

I just need a few days to do nothing and be as high as a kite. But I am not going to have the opportunity to do such a thing until the last weekend of August. 

How am I going to do this? I just don’t see how I can keep this up for three more months. I really don’t.

I really didn’t know what to expect when I came back to RI. I didn’t know how anxious I would be, how I would feel spending the whole weekend with Joy, or who else I would see. But on Saturday when it came time for me to come up here, I felt just fine – even a little excited. Yesterday (Sunday) was the actual graduation and I was actually still perfectly ok when I got to campus. I ended up spending most of the day with a good friend, but I saw a lot of people and I got lunch with someone else who I haven’t talked to in a while so that was all good. But then we left. And I realized that I hadn’t seen the BFX at graduation at all. Now remember that he also didn’t try to see me before I left RI in February, although he did try to push me to have a goodbye party. At the time I thought he wanted the party because it was a way to say goodbye without having to be alone with me, but now that he has again made zero effort to see me I think he just wanted an excuse to drink. So anyway, last night when it became clear that I would not see him I ended up kind of losing all of the okay that I had been channeling during my trip and the anxiety and depression hit full force again. I held it together on the outside though. I mean, Joy knows me well enough that I think she knew something was wrong but she didn’t feel the need to press the matter.
Then I woke up this morning and the full force of what has happened in the last year between the BFX just slapped me across the face. I miss my best friend and he doesn’t miss me and it hurts and I want to go back and rewind time and fix things knowinf what I know now but I can’t do that. I feel so alone all the time; a way I never felt before I lost the BFX. Even after JC broke up with me and I was a wreck, I didn’t feel alone because I had the BFX to help me. I had my best friend.
I need to go home now.

So Tuesday night my Israeli friend and I had a… small discussion? Idk. Basically i apologized 1000x for being a difficult person to deal with – and I still haven’t even told him everything. Just the anxiety and little bits about how I feel down a lot. And he agreed that I am difficult but also told me to never change because everything I do, difficult or not, makes me me. To which I replied that I was worried not changing would cause him to stop being my friend. All he said was that I’ve already gotten better since I moved back home. Then I went to bed before I could say more stupid shit.
He texts me every single day that he has work. 9 days out of 10 he texts me first. I didn’t hear from him yesterday (Wednesday). I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t text me again today.
The funny thing is, a few weeks ago he was the one worrying about losing me as a friend because I was getting more of a social life (which has since disappeared again).
I don’t know. I don’t know what is happening or what to do about it. I care about this guy a lot more than I like to admit most of the time. And sometimes it seems like there is more there on his end and then just… I don’t even know. It’s probably better if I just leave him be. I’m not what he wants me to be, I know I’ve said as much on here before. And I don’t think he is what I want him to be either. So it would probably be best for both of us if I let him go if that is what he is doing. I don’t know!!!!

In other news, intake sucked again yesrerday. I still have 3 days to fix it, and normally I’d say I still can, but I have had so little control over myself that I honestly don’t know if I can at this point. But I also don’t want to give up and consider this week a lost week because then I will really go nuts. Ugh. Like, I JUST had a protein bar for breakfast and I am still legitimately hungry. Not bored hungry, but HUNGRY. And it’s been this way all week. I do sometimes get like this leading up to my period, but it isn’t that time right now. Ugh!

Everything is just so frustrating.

I never considered myself to have paranoia. I know that it is a common occurrence in people with depression and/or anxiety, but I never considered myself to be paranoid. I always thought of people who were paranoid as conspiracy theorists or lunatics muttering to themselves while looking over their shoulders. I don’t know. Mental illness stereotypes – even if you’re mentally ill – sometimes can’t be avoided. But one of my close friends (who is very much like me in her mental state of well-being) said she had paranoia, which sort of shocked me out of my little imaginary bigot world. And now I’m positive – I am definitely paranoid. Feel free to skip the grey stuff. It’s just me rambling about my paranoia. 

M and I both agreed that our friendship hadn’t changed, but I haven’t seen him since (over a week) and we don’t talk as often as we used to. I know that part of it is probably that he is studying for finals and because his bromance buddy came back from studying abroad this past Saturday. But part of me feels like now that he got what he’s wanted from me for 6 years he is discarding me. I know, logically, that that can’t be true. I know that there were times when I wanted to sleep with him and he was the one who said no because he didn’t want to lose our friendship. I know that he wouldn’t just throw me away. After all we’ve been through, there is no way he would just throw me away. But at my core I still feel like he doesn’t want me anymore. When he takes a while to reply or stops answering or doesn’t talk to me for a few days I just feel like he’s done with me. It doesn’t matter what I know. I am convinced M doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. 

Israeli friend is the same way. Not that we slept with each other. In fact, for all of the conversations M and I have had about the nature of our relationship and what we want from each other and what we don’t, my Israeli friend and I have had NONE of those conversations. And sometimes I really feel like he cares about me and as though he may have feelings for me, but then there are times that I truly and completely believe that he just talks to me because I’m awake when he works. Since he works night shifts in Israel, all his friends are asleep but me – the one 7 hours behind. I’m merely convenient. I’m not actually important. 

Joy is Joy. She only talks to me when she needs something. When I text her with my life, she either acts like a high schooler gossiping or she ignores me. Like right now. But if I don’t answer her texts RIGHT AWAY she cries about it on her private Tumblr. Some friend. This one isn’t even paranoia. It’s just pissing me off.

The mutual friend that I share with Joy – the one I’m going to stay with in RI and the one who pretty much agrees with me about Joy’s behavior and who told me most of what Joy was doing when she was being a huge backstabbing traitor bitch – hasn’t been answering me much either. She finally just did (after I started this entry) but she trailed off without warning yet again. I know she’s busy, I know she isn’t a great responder, but I can’t help but worry that I’ve started to annoy her as much as Joy has. In fact, I’m almost convinced that she doesn’t actually want to hear from me anymore. I don’t know if she even still wants me to stay with her since she hasn’t been talking to me very much. Before today I think the last time we spoke was nearly a week ago. 

My “big brother” (very close freind, 3 years older than me, like my brother, I know I’ve mentioned him before) is so immersed in his own depression and his own problems that he doesn’t have time for mine. Anytime it comes up he gets kinda stern and then either stops answering or changes the subject. He hasn’t replied to me in a few days. I don’t blame him. He really does have a lot going on. But I’ve stuck by him for so long, even when other people left him, so it would be nice if he could do the same now. Especially since he hasn’t always in the past. And again, while I know logically that he is just dealing with his own crap and he will come back around eventually, the paranoia is shouting that he is sick of me and my problems and since I’m not actually his sister he doesn’t need to put up with it anymore if he doesn’t want to.

The girl who I considered my best friend this past fall barely talks to me anymore. Part of it is my fault, too, but part of it is hers. She never messages me first. If we do talk, I reach out to her. We started drifting apart when I stopped coming over to her apartment every weekend for parties. But the BFX was always there and after Joplin something between us broke and he was blatantly ignoring me and I just couldn’t be there. It would have been nice if she made an effort to hang out outside of those parties, but she never did. Not that I really did, either, but I tried to keep in touch a lot longer than she did. By the time I left RI we were barely talking once or twice a week. Since I’ve been home I think we’ve talked maybe three times, one of which was after I posted about sleeping with M on my private Tumblr and she commented asking wtf happened. So… gossip interests. But not interested in my daily life. Or how I’m doing. Or if I’m any better now that I’ve moved home. I was really exhausting for her for a while and I recognize that. I don’t blame her for distancing herself from me. Also, her roommate is one of those people that you can’t ever tell if she loves you or hates you or a little of both and I tend to think more often that she doesn’t actually like me and they are besties sooooo that probably has something to do with it.

I left work early today because I was a little lightheaded and bloated and I just felt icky physically and mentally. I just needed time to myself. And in that time I fucking binged. Really badly. This is the third day in a row I’ve blown my intake. Fuck. Luckily, since I set a calorie cap for the week – not per day – I have the rest of the week to fix it. But I said the same thing when I fucked up yesterday. I REALLY need to get back on track. The last thing I need right now is to gain weight. That would really be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m already at my wit’s end because I’m not losing like I feel I should be. Gaining is not an option. 

You all are probably sick of my fucking whining too. I’m sorry. I don’t even know why anyone reads this anymore. All I do is bitch and whine and cry all the time. It must be tiring. I’m sorry.

P.S. Now I’m yelling at B. After coming clean to him about how I’ve been feeling, I’m yelling at him. Just dump all my problems on his shoulders then thank him by being nasty. Yeah. Now I know why everyone fucking leaves me. I fucking suck.

I’ll edit/update this later with actual stuff but right now I just need to vent.

I have been doing EVERYTHING RIGHT for the last month and a half and I’ve only lost 4.5lb. In a month and a half. I’m eating below what is medically considered “healthy” but I’m intaking over 1000 each day (and I usually net between 800-1100. I’m really trying to be “healthy” without making myself panic). I’m exercising regularly, focusing on cardio but also doing a little strength training. I keep telling myself that I’m building muscle and losing fat and that is why the scale isn’t moving as much as I think it should but when I look in the mirror I don’t see anything changing. I’m working my ass off to stay hydrated, since for some reason that is always an uphill battle for me. I quit caffeine, I barely drink alcohol anymore. I don’t put creamer in my decaf. I don’t drink soda. I’ve cut out a lot of carbs. I eat plenty of protein. I take multivitamins. I try not to totally skip breakfast because I know that kickstarts your metabolism for the day. I’ve even cut back on the high snacks. Those intakes/nets that I mentioned earlier include those snacks. 

What else can I do but start restricting even more? This is infuriating. I wanted to be at my first goal by the start of May – which would have meant dropping 5.5lb in 1 and a half months (TOTALLY REASONABLE) but I’m still a pound away and its halfway through May. I’m trying SO HARD to balance my starving tendencies and being healthy and I thought I was doing it but apparently not. And if this isn’t causing me to lose weight then I don’t know why being actually healthy would since I would be eating about 700 more calories a day. 

I’m just SO FRUSTRATED. I can show you my intakes, outtakes, and nets for the last month. I keep track of everything. And I SHOULD BE LOSING MORE WEIGHT THAN THIS. a;kfjad;sio;fkjla;dakdsj;lk

So last night I blew off a friend’s surprise birthday party to hang out with a good friend of mine. I didn’t really want to go to the party anyway and then once my friend asked to hang out I just bailed. I feel a little bad but I had a good time with my friend and I got her drunk which was fun since she’s 18 and pretty straightedge. She asked for it though, it isn’t like I slipped the sangria in her drink lol. She wants me to teach her how to be drunk before she goes to college haha

In other news, I’ve been eating better and my intakes and nets have been a lot more reasonable. I’m still keeping my intakes above 1000 to be “healthy” (not that 1000 is considered healthy but for me that’s good enough) but my nets are dropping since my training schedule is stepping up. 

Sorry, sidenote: I’m at work and my coworker is clueless and it’s frustrating because I can’t step in without being rude but she just is not explaining the different options clearly and I’m not sure where she is getting her pricing from. But anyway, sorry for my digression.

This week has just been so crazy. It has been scary, lonely, up down up down, as my life is, but I am still going downhill. I just don’t know how to save myself anymore. 

Oh! I finally told my Israeli friend the extent of my anxiety. I hadn’t before because he tends to get dismissive and judgey when it comes to mental health issues. But he didn’t. After I finished telling him all he said was “You have no idea how much I want to hug you right now.” Why the hell does he have to live in Israel? I still haven’t talked to him about the whole “do you have feelings for me” thing because it’s scary to bring up. I’m theorizing that he feels the same way I do, which is that we are curious as to if it could be more than friends but because we live halfway across the world from eachother we are trying to just shrug it off. *sigh*

I also don’t remember if I said this here already but Joy is upset because I’m staying with another friend when I go up to RI next weekend instead of her. I have a few valid reasons to stay with the other friend besides just that I’d prefer not to stay with Joy but it doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t know what to tell her but I am not staying with her. Ugh. 

I’m also not sure if I mentioned that the BFX is talking to me again like a normal human being. Not getting my hopes up to get my best friend back, but that would be nice. 

Why is everything so complicated?