I don’t know why people think I’m strong.

I couldn’t cope with my life – one that is not all that bad except for some severe bullying growing up – so I cut and I binged and I starved and I became so anxious and depressed that I don’t know how I’m still functioning at 22. I’m a total mess.

This isn’t the life of a strong person. This is the life of an incredibly weak person. I let myself pity me and in doing so I have become this mess of problems and baggage and unhealthy coping mechanisms. A strong person comes out of difficult experiences as a better person. A strong person gets through difficult experiences and then keeps walking. I am not a better person and I am not walking. I am barely crawling. That isn’t strong.

I’m not strong. I wish people would stop telling me that I am.

Saturday my sister came home from college after her freshman year. We went out to my FAVORITE place and then got desert at my favorite place and I literally have not had a break day from dieting in over a month so I let myself just eat what I wanted. Big mistake. I finally started losing weight again and now it’s right back up. And I know one day can’t actually ruin my progress and I just have to let the food move through my system and have a few good days but it’s just so disheartening! It doesn’t help that I had my period so I’ve been inclined to eat more anyway.

And then on top of it today happened. Oh boy. Today. I just. Where do I start. I guess with the fact that M and I finally had sex. We were incredibly high. And I just feel so alone now. I’ve never had sex without feelings before and it sucks. Idk how it helps people who feel lonely because it just made everything worse for me. Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t had sex in 10 months and it was definitely needed on a physical level. But emotionally I’m ready to find someone who can really be good for me and who understands me. And I’m scared to look outside of people I know because how do I explain everything? Who wants to do deal with all of it, all my crazy, if they aren’t my friend first? But now this made me realize that I don’t think it can be M because I didn’t feel anything and I don’t think he does either. So what am I supposed to do now? And what about my Israeli friend? I still haven’t even told him about the two dates I went on even though he told me about his “date thingy,” even though he wouldn’t call it a real date. What am I supposed to do now? We talk EVERY DAY. And he did throw a little fit when he thought I’d get too busy for him. And then he just BOUGHT ME Portal and Portal 2 because I said I was interested in them. HE JUST BOUGHT THEM FOR ME LIKE OH HEY HERE’S A GIFT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN YOU SAID YOU WANTED IT. OMFG. And if he has feelings for me…what do I do? He lives in fucking Israel. Just. Ugh. And what if I bring it up and he doesn’t and then things get weird? What if he does and things get weird? I don’t want to lose him. Oy.

AND the BFX is talking to me again. Like real conversations. Last Wednesday? I think it was I messaged him and we had a real conversation. Then Thursday he sent me a link and we had a short chat, Friday we talked for a little while AGAIN, Saturday he ignored my fish tank related message but then today (Monday) he messaged me first again and we are having another legit conversation. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? Before this we hadn’t talked since the whole giant Joy blowup that made me message him because I wanted to clear the air. That’s like, a month. So a month and a half of no talking between when I moved home from RI and the giant fight and then a month between then and now and now all of a suddent “oh hey let’s be friends again.” Like WTF. 

No one I talk to can help me. I need a blueprint. I need a formula to follow or a users guide to life or a handbook or SOMETHING. But I feel like someone just scribbled all over my life and nothing makes sense and there is no path to follow. I’m falling apart mentally as my last few posts have noted. I’m literally losing my mind. And I need someone to help ground me and anchor me but I have no one. And people keep coming and going from my life and I just have no idea who to trust or what to do. I’m so lost.

I’m also starving right now but I ate way more than I wanted to in high snacks today after what happened over the weekend so I’m not going downstairs to the kitchen even though I need a cup of tea or at least a glass of water. Maybe I can get my sister to make me some tea, although she already ran to Starbucks for me when I had a migraine earlier and needed caffeine… **sigh**

I had the thought today that I wish I had actually gone through with my suicide attempt when I was 15. (Backstory for those of you who don’t know: When I was 15 I had the pills in my hand and my best friend, M, called me just to say hi because he was bored. So I put the pills away and had a normal conversation with him. I told him what had happened a few months later, but he had no idea at the time. Since then I have planned suicide more times than I can count, but I’ve only gotten that close to committing one other time). Back then I had a lot less people relying on me. My sister and I were not on good terms, my mom and I were not on good terms, and I only had one or two friends that actually gave a shit about me. Had I done it then, less people would have been hurt. And they would all mostly be over it by now and moving on with their lives. It was high school; they would have all graduated and gone to college and forgotten about me. I wouldn’t have had the experiences I’ve had since then, but honestly there has been more bad than good so I’m actually ok with that. Sometimes I say I’m happy that I didn’t kill myself then because I wouldn’t have had all these experiences, but really I think I could have done without them. And had I not died, I would have gotten the help I needed, and still need, 7 years ago. I would have been locked away for a little while with a lot of support and medication and it’s possible I’d be in a much better place now.

Basically, I’m just so unhappy with how my life has played out that I wish I could go back in time and hit reset. I feel like, had I swallowed those pills, it would have either been the end or a reset of sorts. And either way I wouldn’t be where I am now and that is an improvement. 

This is awful thinking. I’m awful. Because I know what someone committing suicide does to those around them. My neighbor… I can’t stop thinking about him. How he killed himself right after graduating high school. How much it affected his brother (who I tutor). How no one knew. How a lot of people still don’t know he’s dead because his family is keeping it very quiet. I wish I had known him better. I wish I could have said something, done something. He was such a sweet kid. I feel like not enough people will remember him. Not enough people even know or care. It’s a travesty. His parents keeping it quiet are just perpetuating why he killed himself – he felt like no one cared about him. He didn’t have many friends. And maybe that is why his parents are keeping it quiet; maybe they don’t want false sympathy from people who ignored him while he was alive. He was 4 years younger than me, my sister’s age. I didn’t know he had problems. I didn’t know anything. I think about him every day. His brother, my student, is the number one reason I turn off my suicidal thoughts now. I can’t do that to my student. I can’t. He already lost his brother. And I can’t do that to my sister either. I can’t put my sister through what this kid is going through. I can’t and I won’t.

Sorry this kind of just turned into a huge depression/suicide rant. 

I did alright cal wise yesterday. Doing less well today, but I’m just so down that I don’t even give that much of a fuck. Of course I’ll be mad at myself for it later though. Fuck.

I haven’t felt this alone in a very long time. 

I haven’t felt this perpetually anxious in a very long time.

Everything in my life seems to be headed in a good direction, so why am I still spiraling downwards? 

I think I’m actually going insane. Like, clinically insane. Like, things I used to only do high I do all the time now. I regularly hallucinate my dead cat. She usually stays at my house though, luckily. I talk to myself all the time, too. Mostly alone, but sometimes in public. I think I scared a sales lady at Bed Bath and Beyond today. I also have trouble keeping up with my own thoughts. It’s a common problem when I’m high but it’s happening more and more often when I am sober too. I have a thought that’s like a flash of a picture or a feeling and before I can process what I meant I’ve moved onto another thought. It can get really frustrating. Maybe I should try Adderall. My best friend M has offered to let me try one of his before since he has a script for it.

But anyways, food stuff:

Monday sucked. I ate way too much and didn’t exercise and I just don’t want to talk about it. I was not in a good place Monday.

Tuesday (yesterday) wasn’t bad. I wanted to keep my total intake under 1000 but I ended up still keeping my net under 1000 (I smoked and had high snacks which set me over in the intake category) so I’ll call it a half-win. I’m really trying to balance out being healthy and my starve tendencies. I actually used a calculator through an app I have that said I should be eating 1700 a day for moderate weight loss. Yeah no thank you. 

Today has been alright. I’m hoping to smoke later but who knows if I will get the chance. If I do my intake will probably go up, but right now I’m at 960 for the day so I’m hoping to not eat more/go over 1000. Maybe I can convince high me to have carrots (let’s be honest, that almost never works… but it’s worth a shot).

I’m just tired of feeling so drained and unsupported. I’m being crushed. And I’m starving to cope. Though this is probably my most productive coping mechanism, so I’ll take it. Silver lining I guess. Hopefully the scale will actually start moving again.

I’m just getting so overwhelmed and depressed again. Down down down. I feel so alone.

Intake for Sunday, April 28:

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First, a quick side note: Joy’s private Tumblr has a post saying “Why is it that anybody that matters to me just ends up hating me?” Well honey, I can answer that question. It’s because YOU DON’T ACT LIKE WE MATTER TO YOU UNLESS WE ARE PHYSICALLY IN FRONT OF YOU. And then you lie. You are a selfish little attention seeker and that attention is more important to you than your “best friends.” THAT is why people who matter to you end up hating you. Because you don’t actually care about us as much as you think you do. You only care about yourself that much. You think you’re so goddamn selfless but you really aren’t. And sometimes it’s ok to be selfish. Sometimes you need to do things for you. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. You are hurting me more than you would be hurt if you didn’t do what you’re doing. Open your fucking eyes. I’ve called you out and screamed at you for what you’ve done wrong and YOU STILL HAVEN’T CHANGED A GODDAMN THING ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS you just stopped talking to me about it. Which doesn’t make it better. 

Ok, now to the point: Yesterday I ended up having wayyyy more calories than I wanted to/should have, but it still wasn’t awful. I just keep trying to remind myself that I’m still generally eating under what is considered a healthy weightloss amount even though to me it seems like a lot. I can feel my mentality shifting. Just a few weeks ago I was telling myself 1300 was a good amount. Now I’m telling myself that it’s way too much. This is what happens when I shift from a period of binging to a period of starving. Is it bad that I’m happy that I’m getting my starving mentality back? I just want to lose the weight. 

But at least the reason that I had too many calories was, in part, because I went out to Dave and Buster’s with my best friend and we had a BLAST. The only thing is that we both look like we are under 18 (even though I’m 22 and she is 18) and she forgot to bring ID (she doesn’t have her drivers license) so I bought beer just to keep the staff from getting suspicious since there are no minors allowed after 10pm on Fridays and Saturdays. But it was a great time. I’m so glad we ended up doing that.

Anyway, intake stuff for Saturday, April 27:

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I was going to post today about my philosophy on “everything happens for a reason.” Because sometimes I agree and sometimes I disagree and I’ve disagreed for a while now but now I’m starting to possibly agree again so I was going to go into all of that. And then I was possibly going to talk about my Israeli friend a little bit because I’m still kinda confused by that whole situation and my thoughts about it high and my thoughts about it sober are not the same thoughts.

BUT now I am so angry that I can’t even think about anything else. Joy. I can’t even deal with her anymore. She told me she was trying to not be as close with the BFX. She told me that she doesn’t like the immaturity of her new friends group. She told me that she doesn’t initiate stuff with the BFX anymore because he was super shitty to me for a super long time and he pretty much destroyed my life and as my best friend she should respect that. BUT once again SHE FUCKING LIED. She is fucking participating in their immature pranks (which she can’t stand when they are directed at her) and SHE is directing that immaturity at, surprise surprise, the BFX. Meaning she is initiating shit with him. Like, ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING LYING ALREADY. And how dare she call herself my best friend. Seriously. She doesn’t know shit about my life anymore. She doesn’t know how I’ve been unless she’s reading my personal Tumblr (which I have a counter on and I know no one has looked at in 2 days). I don’t think she even knows that I’ve changed career paths again. She never asks me how I am, she hasn’t asked how switching to full time is going. She only ever texts me when she’s stressed/anxious/gonna throw up/shaking/crying. Or now, when she’s drunk. I’m just so over it and so, so done. It just makes me so fucking angry at this point. Irrationally angry, really, because I knew to expect this from her. She’s a selfish lying little shit. AHHHHHH I wish I had someone IRL to vent to right now but my friend that I was talking to just stopped answering. I’m assuming she fell asleep. So blah. 

Just fuck everything. I’ve been nothing but stressed for the last few days and lo and behold when I finally start feeling sort of ok about things again SHE FUCKING PULLS THIS FUCKING SHIT. It’s just proof that she doesn’t actually give a shit about me, she only gives a shit about looking like she gives a shit about me. Even though the drunk texts I’m getting say “I wshy you ewre hur causr yo da bewst” and “yo da fuckin bestttt” (sic). Well if you really think I’m the best, then START FUCKING ACTING LIKE IT ALL THE TIME AND NOT JUST WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO ME. She’s so goddamn two-faced. 

Intake stuff:

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I hit a wall of depression today. For no apparent reason.

It was bad.

Even after an excellent tutoring session I just could not keep my mood up. Luckily I was able to reschedule my second tutoring session so I was able to get a smoke in, but after I smoke I become unproductive and bingey. And yes, I totally binged today. And did not work out. 

I have so much I need to do. SO. MUCH. And now I’m working full time on top of tutoring 4 hours a week. And I still need to do a lot of other stuff. But if I don’t find time to smoke and chill, I get stressed and anxious and depressed and slowly stop being functional. So nothing gets done. 

Also, STILL NOT LOSING WEIGHT. I’m keeping a log and looking back over the last month I should have lost more than the NOTHING I’ve lost since April began. I really, really should have. The majority of my nets have been at or under my BMR. And, according to most of what I’ve read and a few calculators I’ve played around with over the years, maintaining weight for someone who is somewhat active means adding 500+ to your BMR. Maintaining weight for someone who is totally sedentary means adding 300+ to your BMR. So if my nets are coming it at or under my BMR, that means I have a 300+ deficit, AT LEAST, every day in what my body is using vs what I’m consuming. Now, since I’m not perfect and I smoke too much, let’s say I meet this goal 5 days a week. The other two, I am still perfectly within “maintaining” limits. Every time. So that means that I have racked up a total deficit of AT LEAST 5,400 calories since April started. If you subscribe to the 3500 cal = 1lb fat idea, that means that I should have lost about a pound and a half. And even if you think that conversion is bologna, I still should have lost something. To top it all off, I am working my ass off to stay hydrated and unbloated and somehow I have woken up every morning for the last week both dehydrated and bloated and I just can’t. Make. It. Stop. I told myself I’d be at my second goal weight by May. Now I’ll just be happy if I even make my first. Fuck.

But at least work went sort of ok today. There wasn’t any big drama, although my two coworkers (the ones that have been working at the office for over 3 years each) were both very upset to hear about how things ended up playing out yesterday. They are glad that I got the computer, but they are also with me on my frustration about my dad not understanding why it matters. Because they see why it matters. I’m so glad they have my back. Q was pretty nice to me, too, so hopefully there isn’t too much resentment. Regardless, the second I left work was when my wall of depression hit. So. Bummer.

My insomnia also seems to have returned. I was starting to sleep on a normal human schedule but last night I was up very late and tomorrow seems to be following a similar pattern.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep living like this. I don’t know if I can. But I’m going to try, since there is really nothing else I can do at this point.

Today was shit.

tl;dr

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Last night’s date was just not good. First of all, I still don’t know anything about the guy because he was dull as a rock and had literally nothing to say about himself. Unintelligent, uninteresting, badbadbad. Plus I still don’t know how old he is, but even the waitress said he looked too old for me. Granted, she also didn’t believe that I was 22 until I showed her my license, but even after she knew that she was like “he seems like a creeper.” So yeah. Not seeing him again.

The waiter actually messaged me again last night, but we haven’t been talking like we did before the date we had. **shrug** I just don’t know if I want to see him again because if I end up still feeling this way about him after the second date I don’t want to hurt his feelings. BUT I did kiss him after the first date so I kind of left him with the wrong message anyway? In my defense I was incredibly drunk at the time. I’ll figure something out I guess. 

Israeli friend yesterday had a date, too. I haven’t heard about it yet. But he did send me a text before he went to sleep just to say that he hoped I had had a good day since we didn’t talk very much. Also, yesterday, Joy told me that she and my Israeli friend (they’ve met once or twice when I was Skyping with him while she was at my place) had a 6 hour conversation Saturday night. Which sort of bothers me because that means he was talking to her while he was at work. And usually he talks to me while he’s at work. And I know it shouldn’t bother me, especially because I told him that I was out with a friend, but it does. I just don’t trust her I think. The last thing I need right now is for her to develop a crush on him since I still have no idea how my own feelings are going in that regard. **sigh**

Intake stuff for Sunday, April 21:

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