I fucked up yesterday. Ate wayyy too much. Justified it to myself, at the time, as “it’s a holiday.” (Yes, I smoke enough that 4/20 is a “holiday” for me). I don’t even… ugh.

I have a date tonight with the guy who bought me the beer last week while I was waiting for the waiter. So I am going to try to not eat ANYTHING before then.

I’m afraid to weight myself but I have to because I have this whole system and Sundays are when I measure everything and just ugh I don’t want to. I ate soooo much yesterday.

My Israeli thing is on his “date thingy” right now. Well, he will be in like 10 minutes. I still don’t know how I feel about any of that, but he lives in Israel so letting it go.

I’m just so preoccupied with being fat today.

Why did I let myself do that yesterday? UGH!

I’m mad at myself.

**update**

I weighed myself. I gained a whole fucking pound this week. A WHOLE FUCKING POUND. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I’ve been exercising. Besides yesterday I’ve been following a good “healthy” plan. Like I said yesterday, this pretty much verifies that I am going back to starving.

So yesterday I decided to only eat when I was high… and I still ate more than I wanted but its better than I’ve been doing. So I think that is going to be my new plan…only eat when I am high and have the munchies. Now if I can get high me to eat a salad instead of cookies I will be perfect. 

In other news, I bought a ukulele yesterday. It is beautiful. I’ll post a picture later because I’m on my phone right now and it won’t let me. But anyway, the guy who helped us was really nice and we talked about how we have been stereotyped for body jewelry/tattoos and he mentioned having 3 kids and going to church every Sunday. Well, at the guitar center they take your email for promotions and stuff. So I get home and I habe an email from this dude asking me to lunch. Seriously. A)I’m a 22 year old student. No thanks to kids. B)I’m Jewish. I don’t think a guy whose favorite music is “Christian worship” according to Guitar Center’s webpage is going to work well. 

Also Skyped with my Israeli friend yesterday and he mentioned having a date today. Well, his exact words were “date thingy” because he didn’t know if it was a date or not, but he said he wouldn’t mind it being a date. So I guess that takes care of that…?  Although he then proceeded to buy me Portal and Portal 2 on Steam just because I said that I’ve wanted to play them. *shrug* I’m just gonna pretend that means nothing because it’s easier.

Had another fight with Joy last night. I ended up smoking halfway through it so I ended it by just being like “whatever this sucks.” But yeah. That sucks.

I’ve gained weight this week. I DON’T FUCKING GET IT. So. Back to starving thank you. I tried healthy and clearly not working. 

Yesterday’s intake was the same as they’ve been. AND I STILL GAINED WEIGHT. So fuck it.

The hardest part is going to be no high snacks, but I think I can do it.

No, I need to do it.

Everything is shit. I’m tired of feeling like crap. Last night I had 2 separate friends who have never spoken to each other (meaning they reached the same conclusion separate of each other) tell me that they were concerned about the amount of time I spend angry/frustrated/upset. Because it’s literally all the time. And I know that’s stupid because I have a comfortable life and I have plans for my future now that make sense and I’m not actually fat or overweight medically. I need to smoke all the time just to get through my days. This is just getting ridiculous because I’ve already made 1000 changes to my life to try to get me in a better place. I left RI. I changed career paths. I’ve secured a job at my dad’s office and I absolutely love to work there. I’ve tried to lose weight the healthy way and get in shape for a 5k run. But somehow everything is still shit. I still feel like shit.

I just don’t even know what to do anymore.

Yesterday ended up getting a little better. I smoked, ate, chilled, sobered up, tutored, came home, tutored again, then later in the night I figured out how to get away with smoking in my room after my parents go to bed. Which is excellent. I also talked to my sister about the guy issues and she pretty much said exactly what I was thinking so I think that I’m going to cancel plans with the guy who bought me a beer, hold off talking to my Israeli friend for now, and I may or may not keep my date with the guy I already went on a date with. So that’s that. 

I also woke up early today to exercise since I was in no mood yesterday. Normally Thursday is a rest day since I work but I swapped it with Wednesday so I was up reallyyy early this morning. UGH. I’m so tired I just want to go back to bed but I have to leave for work in 5 minutes. 

I didn’t weigh myself today. This may be TMI but I’m bloated and constipated and dehydrated and I just thought it was a bad idea. So I’ll spend the day drinking a shit ton of herbal tea and water and see how I feel tomorrow. Also, tonight I’m going to a Phillies game so who knows what will happen to my intake. I’m still going to try to control it though.

Intake stuff for Wednesday, April 17:

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I woke up not in a good place today. I’m just frustrated with my life. So frustrated. I wake up to texts asking me for last minute tutoring, a private Tumblr from Joy talking about how much she loves cutting (which both upsets me because Joy has been telling me she’s trying to get better and triggers me at the same time), texts from the oh so persistent dude who bought me a beer on Saturday, and another reminder that the BFX is taking over everything that was MY social life when I was still in RI. They all know what he did to me and it doesn’t seem to matter. I just feel betrayed. THEN I step on the scale and it’s gone up. I AM FOLLOWING A HEALTHY CALORIC INTAKE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO ALLOW ME TO LOSE WEIGHT THE HEALTHY WAY AND I’M NOT LOSING WEIGHT. I AM FOLLOWING AN EXERCISE PLAN TO GET ME IN SHAPE FOR A 5K. I AM DOING EVERYTHING “RIGHT.” Even if it is that I’m losing fat and building muscle, it’s so disheartening to not see that number go down. I don’t want to eat at all today. But I have to because I have 2 tutoring appointments already and I need to be coherent for them and not shaky. So I’m just going to go smoke now. That will calm me down and probably turn me into a fucking pig. 

I have so much I was going to get done today too but oh hey look I can’t function unless I’m high so nevermind. I fucking suck. I don’t even want to have a pity party for myself. I’m just so frustrated. I’m really at a place where I can barely function in my life and it’s a problem. But I don’t even know how to get better. I was in therapy, I was doing better, then it all fucking crashed. Then I came home, I started doing a little better again, and now I’m crashing again. I’m so angry and frustrated and I just don’t even want to do deal with it anymore. 

I accidentally deleted my record of yesterday’s intake before writing this but I’ll tell you that my net is in the same place my net has been for the last few weeks, which is around/just under my BMR WHICH IS WHAT IT SHOULD BE IF I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT THE HEALTHY WAY CONSIDERING I’M NOT IN A COMA AND YOUR BMR IS THE AMOUNT OF CALS YOU WOULD NEED IF YOU JUST SLEPT ALLLLLL DAY AND NEVER MOVED.

I’m seriously so close to going back to starving. I’m trying not to. I’m trying to be healthy. I’m trying to not let myself because even more dysfunctional. But I don’t know if I can keep doing this without the results I want.

So a few things have happened in the last few days. 

First, I’ve made the decision to scrap my degree in education and pursue a degree in optometry. Take over my dad’s office someday blahblahblah. So that changes a lot of things about my life. Mostly that I’ll be out of school until Fall 2014, assuming that I even get in. If I don’t, then my life is just going to get even more messy and complicated. So that’s that. 

Second, my date with the waiter on Saturday night. As I’m leaving my house to go to the bar my Israeli friend decides to start talking about how he’s upset that I’m getting more of a social life (he didn’t even know I had a date. He just knew that I had plans besides sitting at home alone on my computer) because I won’t have time to talk to him anymore. And it made me feel really bad but I was trying to reassure him that that wouldn’t happen. It really cemented for me that, despite the fact that we are a 13 hour plane ride apart, there is something going on there. And, of course, this is happening RIGHT BEFORE MY DATE. So that was the first interesting thing that happened. The second interesting thing that happened was that my date was uber mega late. Like… 2 and a half hours late. And it was his work’s fault, not his, but still. So while I’m sitting there waiting for 2 and a half hours (and still talking to my Israeli friend and a few other friends via text), another dude buys me a beer and asks for my number. So I said why the hell not and gave it to him. (Since then I’ve been kind of procrastinating giving him either a yes or a no as to going out on a date). Then he left and I waiting again until FINALLY my date shows up. And at this point I’m a little tipsy and he gets me more tipsy and he was a really nice guy and we had a lot in common but I’m just not 100% sure if I can see myself developing feelings for him… I see it going more in a friend direction. But, because alcohol was part of the equation, I still let him kiss me at the end of the night. I shouldn’t have, but I did. (Not the best kisser). So he invited me out to karaoke for Sunday night and I said yes but then I backed out. Thank goodness, because he ended up texting me telling me that he would have been 2 hours late again. So yeah. And again, the other dude is still texting me too trying to get me to go on a date with him. It’s all weird considering right now the most feelings I have are geared towards someone halfway across the world. I’m just confused as to what I should do from here. Most girls would think this is a good situation and for me it’s just a stressful mess. Fuck anxiety.

So then yesterday, again, I bailed on karaoke and then bailed on a bbq with some friends and went to my friend’s house and got drunk and after I got home (still drunk), Joy starts with her fucking shit again. Yesterday was elections for our fraternity and she didn’t win anything. She is a brand new member. She literally just became a brother a month ago. She can’t seriously be that upset about it. But she was! And then the BFX won president so on top of being wayyyy too upset for herself she also was like “omg my big is the bestest big ever and he won president” and I’m sitting here thinking HE IS NOT THE BESTEST BIG EVER. HE DIDN’T GET YOU THROUGH YOUR PLEDGE PROCESS. I DID. HE DIDN’T EVEN START ACTING LIKE YOUR BIG UNTIL I LEFT RI. SO FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT. It’s just so frustrating!!! I do everything for her and he gets credit. He wasn’t the one calming her down last night. He isn’t the one who reads her triggering, overdramatic private Tumblr crap and still just sucks it up and deals with it to help her. He isn’t the one who went out of his way to figure out who to contact to make sure her stalker ex-boyfriend can’t contact her anymore. But HE is the bestest. Uh huh. ALL HE DOES IS FUCKING GET HER DRUNK ON THE WEEKENDS. SERIOUSLY. THAT IS THEIR FRIENDSHIP. It infuriates me!!! Just typing this now is making me angry all over again so I’m going to stop. 

Intake stuff:

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Today has been INSANE. This morning Joy freaked me out with a post on her private Tumblr which turned out to not be a huge deal but I still lost a lot of respect for her, which I didn’t think was possible.

Then I ran, showered, and went to a meeting for work. I’m not sure if I’ve shared this, but I’ve worked for my dad, an optometrist, since I was 16. And the other employees always made jokes about me going to optometry school and I was always like “haha lol no.” But lately I’ve been realizing how much I enjoy working at the office and how nice it makes me feel when my friends come to me with eye problems or broken glasses and I’m able to help them. It’s a subject I already know a lot about. AND I’d make a lot more money than as a teacher. And since I’d be taking over my dad’s practice, I’d be my own boss so I’d have the flexibility in my schedule that I really, really need for my sanity. And until my dad is ready to retire I would get to keep working for him and I really, really enjoy working in his office. All of the people are wonderful and there is so much going on all the time and it’s just great. BUT do I really want to be an eye doctor for the rest of my life? I’m starting to think I might. Do I really want to take another 5 years to get out of school? (I missed the deadline to apply for this upcoming fall so I’d be taking a whole year off and starting the 4 year optometry program in Fall 2014). That is the only thing I’m not sure about. But in the meantime I’d be living with my parents (saves money but limits freedom) and working in an optometry office when I’m not in class, so it isn’t like I wouldn’t be doing anything. UGH I just don’t know!! 

So on my way home from the office and the meeting and talking to my dad and coworkers about optometry school I got a text from Joy about some MAJOR drama in RI. And it just really threw me off for the rest of the afternoon. Big time. It made me really angry at certain people and really sad for other people and really disappointed in other people and those aren’t really people I want to be sad for or disappointed in (I hate the person I’m angry at so idgaf about that one). But yeah. That happened too.

On top of that, I’m still worrying about my Israeli friend and possibly telling him about the fact that I have a date for tomorrow night.

And I’ve been eating too much again and not losing weight even though I SHOULD BE because I’m still eating under/around my BMR and I look like I am losing weight so that’s getting frustrating. And I’m not doing as well running as I would like to be. It’s all just bleh. 

Intake stuff for yesterday and today:

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So good stuff: I have barely stopped talking to the waiter since we started talking last night (Tuesday night). We have a date set for Saturday. I’m freaking out haha. I’m excited and nervous and the whole thing is just aaahhhhh. And I’m starting to think that he isn’t the kind of guy I’m really looking for, but I’m also really enjoying talking to him so I’m not going to make any decisions yet. We’ll see how Saturday goes!

Not so good stuff: Joy is on my last nerve. Like really, I can’t deal with her anymore. At all. I’m so over it. Also (unrelated)  I don’t know what to do about my Israeli friend. I don’t even know if I’ve explained that situation on here. He lives in Israel and sometimes he seems like he really likes me and other times he’s distant and it’s weird and he lives in Israel so I just don’t even let myself think about it most of the time but now that I’m going on a date with someone else I don’t know if I should tell him or if it even matters or why I care so much about if he knows or not. Bleh. 

Intake stuff for Wednesday, April 10:

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Today (as in Tuesday, April 9) was excellent. 

I woke up early, went on the elliptical for 25 minutes per my training program, then hung out with M and got super high. Then I picked up my new gel foam mattress (it’s awesome!), came home, then smoked again. It was real chill. And it was such a beautiful day. AND it gets better because the waiter from last night actually texted me! And we have been talking nonstop for almost 6 hours now. He is a writer and was able to recommend a fantasy genre series for me to read (my favorite), he sings, he has a dual degree in English and Psychology so he has to be at least a little smart, and he’s 24 so he’s totally within an acceptable age range. AND HE ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE. Like 3 and a half hours ago. So this is pretty awesome.

Intake stuff for Tuesday, April 9:

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My day went from so awesome to so bad in like 3 seconds. 

I got up, made myself look super cute, and went out the door to go to Starbucks and finish my personal statements for Arcadia. On my way out plans changed and I went to pick up a friend and we stopped at a jewelry store that is going out of business to see if there was anything worth buying on sale (there wasn’t, but it was fun to look). THEN we went to Starbucks and each did our own work. While we were there, another friend who I haven’t seen in ages and his sister (who is friends with the friend I brought to Starbucks) came in so we ended up talking to them for like half an hour. Then my friend was upset because she got some bad news from her mom so I took her out to dinner where we had this super cute and flirty waiter. We had a great time and she ended up giving him my number because I was too much of a wuss to do it. I’ve never done anything like that before so my heart was going like 5000 miles a minute. We left it with the check so I don’t know how he took it or if he even took it. But it was still a great time.

Then, from the moment I walk in the door, everything went to shit. My parents started giving me a hard time because they want to go on a family vacation on an Alaskan cruise this summer but I need to take summer courses and they need to sign  up for the vacation TODAY to save like $3000 so I had to drop everything the second I walked in the door to see if my classes are offered at a summer session time other than when we will be on vacation. I find nothing. So then my mom makes me come over to her computer so she can “search with me,” aka take half an hour to do what I could do in 5-10 minutes because she is computer illiterate. And guess what! She found, again, that they don’t have what I need at all at any point in time over the summer at any college in the area (we checked 5 different schools). So then my mom decides to check University of Phoenix (you know, that online one that is all about adult education blahblahblah) and we found – very, very slowly – that they do have my classes but they don’t like start/end dates and they don’t list course cost. So I said I’d call tomorrow and my dad got pissy because he has to sign up for the vacation today. Like, if its that fucking important, just say we’re going on the vacation and if I can’t take my classes too damn bad. I can take them next summer, it isn’t a big deal. I’m going to be in this program for another 2 years. I’ll find the time. 

And THEN I get on Facebook to help a friend study for biology and see the BFX and Joy being really fucking obnoxious. Just still doing the same shit that has had me pissed off for however long now. And I’m just so done. He’s a liar, she’s a liar. Neither of them really give two shits about me or how I feel at all, regardless of what they say. Actions speak louder than words and I am just so. fucking. done. with their shit.

FUCK EVERYTHING. I just want to scream and cry and punch a hole in the wall and I can’t even go smoke because both my parents are home and M can’t hang out right now and that would be my only way to get out of the house. Because I’m 22 and I can’t just come and go as I please for some reason. FUCKFUCKFUCK.

Food and stuff:

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