Yesterday I had a killer migraine like, all fucking afternoon and evening, so I wasn’t on my computer and I didn’t do anything.

I did, however, have an epiphany about my state of mind currently regarding a relationship last night while I was in that fuzzy coming-out-of-a-migraine state of mind. And basically, this is the first time a relationship hasn’t just fallen into my lap. This is the first time that I have felt truly single enough to think about what I want from a potential guy and not just let another relationship come to me. I could have – I had that one guy who was interested – and it would have been so easy to let myself still see him as this amazing untouchable person. But I chose to see him for who he really is now, and as much as I love him as a friend, I wasn’t interested romantically. And that’s a big deal. It doesn’t seem like it, but for me that is huge. I’m an adult looking for another adult and I’m not going to settle just to be in a relationship. I need someone who understands and accepts who I am – the good and the bad. Someone who makes me want to be better rather than someone who wants to fix me. I don’t want someone who wants to fix me because I’m not broken; I’m a whole person who just happens to have a lot of darkness inside of them. And I don’t want someone who ignores that darkness, either, because it is me. I do struggle a lot of with depression, anxiety, and eating issues. And someone who denies those parts of me won’t be supportive of me when I’m struggling.

And the reason that it was SO HARD for me to let go of the BFX was because he seemed like that kind of person. Because as a best friend he was. He really, really was. But as my boyfriend he was not. As my boyfriend he ignored my anxieties and my issues a lot, even though he wasn’t doing so consciously, because it was easier for him to pretend that I wasn’t hurting. It’s why we broke up and it’s why we aren’t friends anymore. He ignored how I felt and behaved very selfishly, then blamed me for reacting badly because of my anxiety. So yes, I still miss my old best friend, but as a boyfriend I need someone who won’t do that. 

Anyway, intake stuff:

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Fighting the need to binge and/or drink. I just don’t want to be in my head anymore.

Nothing gets better. This is the plateau of how good things can get for me now, and it isn’t that good. It’s definitely better than where I was 2 months ago, better than my worst, but it’s still not great. I’m still incredibly depressed, very anxious, and occasionally suicidal. Things with my “best friend,” Joy, are in this weird place where everything is “ok” but I definitely don’t trust her anymore. And I kind of don’t want to be her friend anymore. But I don’t want the drama and I don’t want to abandon her. Things with the BFX, I think, are permanently going to be just us occasionally saying hi or sending each other a link every once in a while. We will never recover our friendship. Things with M are ok but again static. Everything is static. And none of it is static in a good place. It’s all static in a mediocre place. Which is better than bad, but it’s just stuck.

Intake stuff for Friday, April 6:

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My friendship with Joy is getting worse and worse. And now I’m just hoping it eventually spirals away… but I know it won’t because she’s clingy. And because I refuse to abandon her, as much as she may deserve it. I’d try to focus on the positives in the awesome friends I have here but… yeah not so much. 

In other news, my parents are letting me sort of revamp my bedroom now so I can upgrade from “childhood bedroom” to “young adult living here comfortably while getting her Master’s degree.” The only problem is that I have to keep the bulk of my white furniture, and my tastes are much more edgy and dark than this. But I managed to come up with a plan… only to discover that the type of stuff I want doesn’t actually exist. Like anywhere. At least, not within my budget (though it didn’t look like it existed out of my budget either). So I either need to learn how to make furniture or I need to figure something else out. 

Intake stuff for Thursday, April 4:

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All you need to know is that I still don’t trust Joy. Our friend who told me about Joy’s fuck ups in the first place has been telling me that it’s only getting worse, not better. Not that I expected anything else. She “needs” the BFX. But the amount I’m hearing about her shallowness and immaturity is really disheartening. I think I’m going to slowly distance myself. I don’t trust her and she is doing very little to help regain my trust. I can use my time better elsewhere… like not being anxious over someone who clearly cares more about themselves than our friendship.

Intake stuff for Wednesday, April 3:

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I spent the morning with M just smoking and doing nothing, then I came home and did nothing. Then I smoked some more. 

It was nice to take a day to myself. I barely talked to anyone today except M and my Israeli friend (he works night shifts there so I’m the only person online while he’s working. We talk a lot because of that). 

Tomorrow I am hoping to go for a half hour to an hour bike ride, visit the bank and the post office to cash some checks and pay my taxes, look up the answers to some chem problems before I tutor at 5pm, then tutor, and run errands for my mom. So much more productive than today.

Intake stuff for Tuesday, April 2:

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I don’t know what to do.

I think everything is ok, but at the same time I’m pretty sure things between Joy and I are going to be strained for a while. And as for things with the BFX… he SAYS we can be friends again, but we all know that that isn’t going to happen. He won’t let himself be friends with me, no matter what he says.

My two “best friends.” Well, the BFX WAS my best friend. But both of them telling me one thing and doing another. BOTH OF THEM. And Joy saw how that affected me when he did it and then she goes and does the same thing. Like… even though she realized she was wrong and apologized and wasn’t even mad at me for screaming at her I’m still mad. Very mad. 

And as for the BFX. I’m so mad at him too. He lies to me for MONTHS and then gets mad at him when I confront him about it. And then things get super awkward and it makes things difficult for all three of us and I try to fix things and he gets mad at me for trying to fix things!!! There is literally NOTHING I can do right with him except sit in silence and let him do whatever the fuck he wants even if it hurts me. And so now he says things are ok but I don’t fucking believe him because he said that for months and things just keep getting worse and worse. 

I’m just so done with it. I don’t trust either of them (especially the BFX). I just want to find one best friend once who doesn’t fucking destroy me. Just one. But nope. I can count 10 very very close and/or “best” friends in the past 11 years that have knowingly or unknowingly dicked me over, not including Joy and the BFX. So 13 people in 11 years. And that isn’t even getting into shit with M or B (for those of you who haven’t heard of B, just know that we had a very bad 3 year relationship when I was 13-16 and now we are still friends). I just want one. Person. That I can trust to be there for me and not hurt me in some way for more than a few months!!!! 

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this saga of shit and my whining. 

Oh and I totally forgot. So earlier today my cat knocked over my gecko tank and I nearly had a fucking heart attack. My baby got squished under her tank, which turned out to be a good thing once I realized she wasn’t dead because it kept her from running away and hiding somewhere in my furniture. She bit me when I picked her up – its only the second time ever that she bit me and the first time I deserved it (I was trying to force-feed her medicine But there was shit everywhere, literally and figuratively. And crickets (her food) escaped – I caught 4 but I feel like 1 or 2 more probably got away. And I just cleaned her tank and put in new liner a few weeks ago (its supposed to last around 6 months) and shit got under the liner and ugh. But she’s ok, the cats ok, and I’m getting new furniture so it doesn’t happen again, so that’s good.

Here’s my intake stuff:

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So remember how I said that Joy made her profile picture of both of them last night after that whole fucking conversation? Yeah. Well, today she thought everything was hunky dory and that I would be sympathetic to her desire to not go back to school tomorrow and instead I got snarky. I’m sure that I was a little meaner than I needed to be but I don’t even fucking care anymore. I told her what she did, why I was mad, and that I don’t want to talk to her right now because I already had one person tell me they were my “best friend” and then act like they weren’t this year (the BFX, if you haven’t been following). She never replied. So. That’s that I guess.

I’m just so angry!!!!!! Last year one of my best friendships fell apart and never totally recovered and two of my other closest friends and I grew apart because they kept forgetting about me/I hate their then-roommate so I was never invited to things (they didn’t like her either but its not like they could tell her to not come to the party they were throwing at their apartment). I had no real friends in high school; at least, no real friends that lasted longer than a few months… I was bullied a lot. And then over the summer I lost the BFX as a boyfriend and then throughout this school year I lost him as a best friend. And Joy knows all of this and promised to be there for me. She promised to be a real best friend. And I actually fucking believed her. I’m such an idiot. No one ever fucking stays. She chose him over me, his feelings over mine, because he is in RI and I’m not. End of story. And until she starts thinking about anyone other than herself, I’m not interested in this friendship. I literally bend over backwards for her. Every panic attack, every fight with her mom, every issue with her insane ex, I’m there. I talk her down, calm her down, put things into perspective. I go out of my way to do things to make her happy because I know she’s depressed and she needs it. And I kept my mouth shut about how I felt about her sucking up to the BFX for MONTHS because I knew that he was her big and she needed him to get through the process and become a brother of our fraternity. I do so fucking much for her. And this one thing – being honest – one fucking thing she can’t do for me.

Maybe its because of everything I went through growing up, but I value loyalty above almost any other trait in friendships. I am fiercely loyal to my friends. She claims to be the same way, but obviously not considering that she has put the BFX before me. That isn’t loyalty. That’s being a fucking coward. 

Sorry for the rant. I just had to get it out somewhere so I don’t just go off on her some more.

**UPDATE** I just let her have it. Like really just screamed at her, all out, curses flying, no censorship. And I confronted the BFX about everything I’ve been feeling in that department. And I just want to die. I’m trying to fix two friendships and I’ll probably end up with neither and just upset both of them in the process. They’d both be better off if I just disappeared. I would be, too. I’m tired of feeling shitty all the time.

**UPDATE 2** I think everything is ok with both Joy and the BFX. But I’m kinda drunk so I’ll have to check again in the morning to make sure I’m right.

Oh yeah, and Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate. (Forgive me, I’m Jewish – this isn’t the first thing on my mind even when I’m not having a shit day). 

Intake for Sunday, March 31:

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Ok so this morning I finally confronted Joy about everything because she brought up that she drunkenly said something to the BFX about me last night. And here is what happened:

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I’m so fucking done. My “best friend” Joy has apparently been lying to me about the BFX. She keeps telling me that she is on my side but she’s his little so she can’t do anything blahblahblah but when she talks to me she acts like she really is mad at him. But then she spends allllll this time with him. And so what happened was her friend threw a party this weekend and Joy told me that the friend invited the BFX because he was there when they were talking about it. Joy then told me that her roommate, who also was going to the party, reminded the BFX yesterday about the party and Joy told me she was upset because she was hoping he would forget about it because she didn’t want him to go. But our other mutual friend (the one who Joy was bitching about me getting closer to, we’ll call her K) told me tonight that Joy told her on Wednesday when they were hanging out that SHE, not the party host, invited the BFX.

Now, here’s the thing. I know Joy is his little. If she wants to be friends with him and forgive him for what he put me through because of the nature of their relationship, fine. I wouldn’t be thrilled about it, but I’d understand it and accept it and let it go because that’s how it is. But just be fucking honest with me about it. Don’t tell me that you’re on my side and that you have my back when you fucking don’t. Don’t fucking lie to me. I know it seems like such a small deal but she is supposed to be my best fucking friend and she’s lying to me about something so fucking stupid because she needs to have me be happy with her and have the BFX be happy with her at the same time and that really isn’t possible unless she lies to at least one of us. And at the moment I think she’s lying to both of us. And it’s crap and I’m done with it. I’m going to confront her about it tomorrow because I am not dealing with this two-faced bullshit anymore.

Intake for Friday, March 29:

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I did okay today.

Things went okay today.

I actually posted something on the BFX’s facebook wall. And he liked it. I miss my best friend so much. This sucks.

M is still being stupid.

But work was alright.

And I spent hours talking to my best friend from RI (can we call her something? I’m going to call her Joy from now on. Ok? ok.) but hours of it was her freaking out and me calming her down and the rest was just absolute ridiculousness. Then she got whiny on her personal blog being somewhat vague but I’m pretty sure that she was upset that our other friend and I have become closer since I left. Which is ridiculous. Joy is the best friend I’ve been talking about that’s a freshman and kind of just… she blamed me for abandoning her on her personal Tumblr when I moved from RI when she knew I did it so I wouldn’t kill myself. Like. Really. I love her but the level of fakeness, selfishness, and immaturity that I have seen from her and that our other friend has told me about since I left has really been pissing me off. So today was both bad because of the freaking out and good because of the fun part. So all in all, it was okay. I guess.

Didn’t smoke. Both a plus and a minus. Probably contributed to my intake being okay. It would have been perfect if I didn’t have the sangria. Or if I didn’t pick at things around my kitchen. But I still blame the sangria. I had only had ~300 calories when I drank it so even though it was a small glass and it isn’t that strong I felt it. I wish I could go have some more but calories.

Intake for Thursday, March 28:

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