I need to get my smoking under control. Not because it’s bad for me but because I eat every. damn. time. UGH! I don’t want to give up smoking. I’m so anxious all the time and it really helps me. But I cannot keep getting the munchies like this. I’m thinking of stocking my room up with healthy foods (apples mostly) because I’m more likely to eat what’s here then go down to the kitchen to get something else. The only thing is that I don’t have a refrigerator in my room so I can only keep stuff that doesn’t need to be cold.

Also, it is REALLY hard to count calories during Passover because so much is homemade. I keep guestimating. I’m trying to assign MORE calories to things than I think they are worth but I still have no idea.

So I’ve decided that I’m going to shoot for 800 instead of 1000 so that if I smoke I have 200 to play with.

Yesterday’s Intake Stuff:

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I’m destined to be a fat fucking loser forever.

Today was a total disaster. I started out so well and then after dinner everything just fell apart and I just ate and ate and I couldn’t stop myself and it was awful.

Supposed to hang out with M tomorrow and see where things go. I feel so gross though, I don’t know if I want anything to happen anymore. I’m too fat.

I know that this says “Tuesday, March 26″ but to me it’s still “Monday, March 25.” Just for your perspective. 

I’m exhausted. It’s officially Passover, so nothing with wheat, flour, yeast, corn (that includes corn syrup), rice, etc. for the next 8 days. 

I got into a political argument with some older members of my family about why my generation is failing to acquire good jobs. I decided to make one of those informative 10 minute YouTube videos about it and I didn’t even realize that I’ve been working for 5 hours on it now. Yikes. Hopefully I’ll finish it tomorrow or Wednesday, but I have a lot of other things to get done as well. I just know that if I don’t finish it soon I’ll forget about it. But I have to get my bank accounts straightened out so I can pay off the term bill that I got from dropping out of my old school which says it was due March 7 but I didn’t even get it in the mail until after then but I still should pay it off ASAP. Then I have to actually apply to my new school (even though I’m guaranteed to get in according to both my adviser and the admissions counselor I spoke with) and apply to another school that my mom works at just in case she can get me some money off my tuition in which case I’d go there instead. Then I also have to finish re-organizing everything from moving home (mostly paperwork and desk-related stuff) and finish a project I was supposed to have finished at the end of last semester and that I said I would do over winter break that I never did. Guh.

Then, less importantly, last night a very drunk M was like “tomorrow you are coming to my house when I get home from class, we are getting stoned, and then I am ripping your clothes off.” And I asked if he would still feel that way sober and he was like “well hypothetically I wouldn’t be but probably,” whatever the fuck that means. From there it went:

Me – Ok. Well lets go with this for now – we will smoke together tomorrow afternoon. We will see if anything happens from there.
Him – I’m ripping your clothes off regardless
Me – Are you sure you’re still going to feel this way tomorrow?
Him – probably after smoking
Me – then I’m still going to go into this as “we’ll get high and see what happens.”
Him – Ok

But then we ended up cancelling because it was snowing and he was running late from class and his mom got in a small fender bender and his grandma ended up in the hospital (unrelated to the car accident) and he said “we’ll do it Wednesday.” Soooo yeah.

Intake stuff:

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My 18 year old neighbor committed suicide last week. I just found out.

He was 18.

I used to babysit him.

I still tutor his 16 year old brother.

I didn’t know him very well anymore, but I’m in shock.

I feel so awful.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do for the family, for my sister and her friends that were his age, or for me.

I feel so stupid. Stupid that I sometimes feel suicidal, too. Because look at what this has done. Stupid that I worry about such trivial things when he ended his life and I had no idea that he was even depressed. He lived so close. I can see their house from my bedroom window. I babysat him. I talked to his brother. My sister rode the bus with him. And we had no idea.

His sister is only 14. His brother is 16. And his parents. I can’t even imagine what they are dealing with right now. The whole family always seemed so upbeat. 

And now I upset my friend because I’m upset. Because according to him, I’m always in a bad mood. Excellent.

I confronted my best friend about always talking about the BFX and made it pretty clear that I’m upset with her for not holding him responsible for how he treated me. She apologized (sort of) and said that she doesn’t consider him “off the hook” by any means, but I told her that she needs to start acting like it since he doesn’t know that he’s in her bad books. So we’ll see if that gets any better.

In weight related news: Last night I ended up binging again so I made myself some new rules. Just for this week to get me kickstarted. However, then I realized Passover starts Monday night and it is nearly impossible to keep low cals during Passover but I’m gonna do my best (except Monday night all bets are off). So the new deal is to have under 1000cals each day and if I go over I can’t smoke the next day. I also cannot have any caffeine, alcohol, or drink any calories. And no eating after 10pm. That is just for this week, excluding Monday (so until the 30th), but hopefully that will help me get started.

I’ve officially gained 5lb since I’ve moved home. I moved home February 20. It’s March 23. That’s 5lb in a month. I’m hoping to lose it faster than I gained it, but we’ll see.

Intake stuff:

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Back to kind of hating my life and feeling totally overwhelmed. Woo. 

I need to find ways to smoke more often. Right now I can only smoke when my parents are out or if I’ve been out and I sneak around before coming home.

Intake stuff:

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So I’ve done a little thinking and I realized that I’ve come to some conclusions about my triggers. The BFX is obviously a huge one. People talking about the BFX is another one. Especially my best friend (his fraternal little), since he is so nice to her. Another is a certain type of whining. I don’t mean like venting to the internet even though no one cares, I mean like doing things without thinking and then not taking responsibility for their own shit so lets whine instead. It just sets me off. And not following certain routines. And hearing about how happy other people are. It makes me feel defective. And not smoking for a while. 

Weed is such a two-sided coin. On the one side, it majorly helps with my anxiety and allows me periods of time where I don’t feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. On the other, I eat. A lot. And I’m gaining weight. And it’s not okay but I don’t know what else to do.

I know my triggers are my problem and I should do my best to avoid them, but sometimes I just can’t. Or I’m masochistic and I look at the BFX’s Facebook page. I really need to stop doing that.

Intake related information:

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So today was all kinds of insane.

Weird conversations with my best friend involving the BFX and the whole thing was just odd. I think she is secretly trying to fix things with us. I just don’t know if that’s even possible anymore, so its just awkward. But I don’t want to tell her no because at least this is her idea so he can get mad at her and not me. I know that sounds awful, but she worships him for no good reason and it would be good for her (and for our friendship) if there was a little more distance in that relationship. But they are big/little in our fraternity so… ugh. Weird. The whole thing is weird.

Plus things with M and some other guys is just getting weird. I’ll save that post for another day. But its just weird. Everything is weird.

My intake will be after the “read more” so you don’t have to read it unless you want.

Keep in mind that I’m going for healthy, not starving. For now. I’m fighting binges.  So just. Ugh.

Also I smoked twice today so not eating was difficult. But this intake is a huge wake up call. No wonder I’m gaining weight.

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I’m thinking of starting to post intakes again. If that would bother you, then I understand if you unsubscribe and/or unfriend. I don’t want to trigger anyone. 

The binging is just getting out of control. I spend 90% of my day feeling like food is the grossest thing on the planet and then I have 1 or 2 hours where I can’t eat enough. Seriously, I went until 7pm only having a 100cal bag of popcorn and a green pepper. And then I went nuts. I can’t keep doing this. It isn’t healthy. I need to be held accountable. So… posting intakes. 

Other than that, shit is the same as its been. Sorry for being boring.

I don’t know how anyone could think that people have control over whether or not they have an eating disorder. I don’t. It is pure ignorance. 

Because I am binge/starve. I go through periods of binge behavior followed by periods of starve behavior. And as much as I try to control myself, I CAN’T. The last month I have been eating nonstop and if I wasn’t eating I was craving food. All the time. And not just sweets, but REAL food. Hot, carby, flavorful meals. I gained 3lb during this binge period; it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but obviously that is not a good thing. And then yesterday I just switched – I did not want to eat. I was hungry, I was shaky, my stomach was growling, but the idea of putting food in my mouth was appalling. And it came out of nowhere. I made myself eat because my mom cooked dinner, but it was hard to finish what was on my plate – and that wasn’t a lot. And it took everything I had to not go puke it up and I am not a purger. Just now I made myself eat some noodles because I have to tutor later and I don’t want to be shaky and unfocused. It’s ridiculous.

Why would ANYONE want this? Why would ANYONE choose this? I have no fucking control over what or when I want or don’t want to eat. How my stomach feels has nothing to do with the decision. So, again, why does anyone ever think that this is a choice? Because, personally, if I had a choice, I’d choose to be comfortable with my body and to enjoy food in a healthy and normal way. I’d choose to have control over my food intake based on whether or not I’m actually hungry. That is what I would choose.