So I’ve done a little thinking and I realized that I’ve come to some conclusions about my triggers. The BFX is obviously a huge one. People talking about the BFX is another one. Especially my best friend (his fraternal little), since he is so nice to her. Another is a certain type of whining. I don’t mean like venting to the internet even though no one cares, I mean like doing things without thinking and then not taking responsibility for their own shit so lets whine instead. It just sets me off. And not following certain routines. And hearing about how happy other people are. It makes me feel defective. And not smoking for a while. 

Weed is such a two-sided coin. On the one side, it majorly helps with my anxiety and allows me periods of time where I don’t feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. On the other, I eat. A lot. And I’m gaining weight. And it’s not okay but I don’t know what else to do.

I know my triggers are my problem and I should do my best to avoid them, but sometimes I just can’t. Or I’m masochistic and I look at the BFX’s Facebook page. I really need to stop doing that.

Intake related information:

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So today was all kinds of insane.

Weird conversations with my best friend involving the BFX and the whole thing was just odd. I think she is secretly trying to fix things with us. I just don’t know if that’s even possible anymore, so its just awkward. But I don’t want to tell her no because at least this is her idea so he can get mad at her and not me. I know that sounds awful, but she worships him for no good reason and it would be good for her (and for our friendship) if there was a little more distance in that relationship. But they are big/little in our fraternity so… ugh. Weird. The whole thing is weird.

Plus things with M and some other guys is just getting weird. I’ll save that post for another day. But its just weird. Everything is weird.

My intake will be after the “read more” so you don’t have to read it unless you want.

Keep in mind that I’m going for healthy, not starving. For now. I’m fighting binges.  So just. Ugh.

Also I smoked twice today so not eating was difficult. But this intake is a huge wake up call. No wonder I’m gaining weight.

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I’m thinking of starting to post intakes again. If that would bother you, then I understand if you unsubscribe and/or unfriend. I don’t want to trigger anyone. 

The binging is just getting out of control. I spend 90% of my day feeling like food is the grossest thing on the planet and then I have 1 or 2 hours where I can’t eat enough. Seriously, I went until 7pm only having a 100cal bag of popcorn and a green pepper. And then I went nuts. I can’t keep doing this. It isn’t healthy. I need to be held accountable. So… posting intakes. 

Other than that, shit is the same as its been. Sorry for being boring.

I don’t know how anyone could think that people have control over whether or not they have an eating disorder. I don’t. It is pure ignorance. 

Because I am binge/starve. I go through periods of binge behavior followed by periods of starve behavior. And as much as I try to control myself, I CAN’T. The last month I have been eating nonstop and if I wasn’t eating I was craving food. All the time. And not just sweets, but REAL food. Hot, carby, flavorful meals. I gained 3lb during this binge period; it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but obviously that is not a good thing. And then yesterday I just switched – I did not want to eat. I was hungry, I was shaky, my stomach was growling, but the idea of putting food in my mouth was appalling. And it came out of nowhere. I made myself eat because my mom cooked dinner, but it was hard to finish what was on my plate – and that wasn’t a lot. And it took everything I had to not go puke it up and I am not a purger. Just now I made myself eat some noodles because I have to tutor later and I don’t want to be shaky and unfocused. It’s ridiculous.

Why would ANYONE want this? Why would ANYONE choose this? I have no fucking control over what or when I want or don’t want to eat. How my stomach feels has nothing to do with the decision. So, again, why does anyone ever think that this is a choice? Because, personally, if I had a choice, I’d choose to be comfortable with my body and to enjoy food in a healthy and normal way. I’d choose to have control over my food intake based on whether or not I’m actually hungry. That is what I would choose. 

I don’t wanna bore you guys with this stuff so only read if you actually care.

But in other news, I’ve officially gained 3.5lb since coming home. And not just period weight or bloating weight or dehydrated weight. UGH! I need to get off my fucking fat ass and start exercising again (because let’s be honest, I’m not going to stop smoking and that is the main contributing factor to why I binge.)

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This is more whining in a similar vein as the M story so just… don’t bother.

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For those of you who read my post the other day about M, this is what has happened since then.

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I am basically just ranting about a current situation between my friend M and I. The following post is essentially me just venting about how I have no fucking clue what the right thing to do is here. So read at your own risk.

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People are waking up right now and I haven’t even gone to sleep yet. Too anxious. I took Zzzquil, but apparently that is not enough anymore.

I’m getting so mad at myself. I’m such a fatass. I just eat and eat and eat and I can’t stop myself. UGH! I was hoping to avoid a bad binge period this year… I had until now. Fuck.

And not only that, but I just want to be over the BFX. I want to be done with him. But I know he is in Maryland right now with his new girl and it is eating me alive. It shouldn’t. He has turned into a huge asshole and I know I’m better off without someone like him in my life but… I still miss my BFX. The old BFX. The one who wasn’t an asshole. And he didn’t just change to me; other people have noticed that he has changed since last year as well. I miss MY BFX. And I hate the idea of some other girl getting that side of him while the rest of us (and especially I) have to deal with the tool he has become. 

This is so stupid! I’m so stupid. I should just stop eating. I should just get over him. BUT I CAN’T. I’m trying, I know logically it makes complete sense, but I just can’t.

I hate this side of me. I’m such a good friend to everyone else, but I can’t fucking help myself. I’m so fucked up.

I’m still hoping to just die in my sleep or something.

It’s amazing how quickly things change.

I thought I was doing better, being home. I really did.

But today went from tired but ok to me being suicidal again in about 2 minutes.

Just fuck everything. My brain is so motherfucking broken. I just want to be ok, but I can’t even let myself do that for more than a few hours. Good motherfucking lord. 

I give up. I’ll never be alright. Every time I think I am shit hits the fan again. What’s the point in even trying anymore? It’s just a waste of time and energy.

In other news, I made a great new theme but Xanga seems to not care at all that half the people on this site can’t save new themes even though the problem is three years old.