What happened Saturday with Tumblr has permanently affected me. 

I don’t trust anyone. I don’t trust anything. I don’t trust LiveJournal, even though it looks like I’ll have to head over there at the end of the month. (Speaking of, I’m really glad they extended the deadline, and because of that I will be putting off my goodbye Xanga post, but I digress). I don’t trust my private, password locked Tumblr. And I don’t trust Joy or the BFX or ANYONE anymore. I don’t know what anyone from RI is saying about me now. I don’t know who the chick told about my Tumblr. I don’t know what’s been said by parties other than myself or whom its been said to. Xanga is literally my last safe haven. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? Do I have to hold all of this in now? 

And on top of that, my clown pleco that I saved from my 20 gallon tank disaster is now showing signs of another very deadly disease and the primary standard treatment kills catfish (plecos are catfish). So I’ve been stressed as fuck about that and wasted an entire day that could have been used to treat him trying to figure out what to treat him with. So he won’t get treatment until tomorrow… I’ve done all that I can do in the meantime to slow the disease (add aquarium salt, increase the tank temp, and black out the tank since the disease agent is photosynthetic). Hopefully he lasts until I can treat him, and hopefully this secondary treatment is enough to take care of the disease. More stress.

I had something else to say but I can’t remember now. I guess I’ll just finish up by saying that the one good thing that has come out of this is that my eating has been more under control. My nets have been below 1000 all days except when I went to the amusement park on Monday, but I don’t even know if I calculated my outtake correctly for that day because I just walked around the park all day so who knows. Hopefully I can keep this up. My weight was down again this morning, lowest its been since October. Maybe I’ll actually reach my goal for Alaska… doubtful, but we’ll see.

Then again, if I’m even still alive to see Alaska it should be considered a success. 

I did well yesterday. Did my scheduled run, netted under 1000 (which is my goal these days. How fucking pathetic that I can’t restrict like I used to), cleaned my room, practiced clarinet for an audition.

Stuff I still need to do this morning: practice more before tomorrow, figure where I’m going for my audition tomorrow, clean the fish tanks, pack for the amusement park that I am going to in a few hours.

I’m just so over my life. I want to get better at restricting again so that I can just starve myself into suicide. But then I smoke and my mom cooks dinner and before you know it I’ve eaten more than enough for the day. But if I don’t smoke then I don’t function. I get so anxious and the only way to not just jump out my window is to smoke. My smoke breaks are how I am getting through life right now. And as much as I want to die, if I don’t keep functioning at a semi-normal level then people will get suspicious and then who knows what happens. No one wants me to break. Everyone just expects me to keep functioning, so I need to do that.

Tonight or tomorrow I am going to post my “Goodbye Xanga” post. I may or may not continue posting here after that. 

I have found that the community on LiveJournal is much more active and responsive than that on Blogger, so after Xanga dies you can permanently find me at shad0wsneedlite.livejournal.com. And if you have a LiveJournal, I highly recommend finding the xangaweightloss.livejournal.com community (which is sort of like groups here, but with a subscriptions feed. And you can choose to post in the group or to your page).

I’m still so shaken and fucked up from what happened on Saturday with the bitch and my private Tumblr. The BFX is mad at me, Joy is a wreck (not that that’s new), and I’m terrified to go on any social media (except this page because no one knows about this). What if she finds my LJ? What if she is still talking trash about me on Twitter? I don’t have a Twitter so I wouldn’t know; everything I’ve seen has been friends showing me. I know logically it doesn’t matter. I know that she is a bitch and if she has nothing better to do with her time then so be it. I know that the only people who will listen to her gossip are people that already dislike me… it’s just that that’s a lot of people in RI. **sigh** This is so fucked up. 

If I make it until morning it is going to be a miracle.

Bitch ruined everything. I was letting it go and then she attacked me on Twitter. In all fairness, I did put up a snarky Facebook status but IF SHE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG THEN SHE WOULD HAVE IGNORED IT. This fucking bitch. She violated Joy’s privacy and trust, went through her Facebook, found my private Tumblr URL and password, and spent over three quarters of an hour going through my blog. I have a tracker. I know that whoever did it was from the exact town this girl is from and they were using a Mac, which she has. And she posted a tweet earlier today about reading someones crappy blog. All of this THE DAY AFTER JOY GAVE HER HER FACEBOOK PASSWORD SO THE BITCH COULD HELP HER WITH SOME SECURITY ISSUES SHE WAS HAVING. Like, I’m not sure what other evidence I need. (P.S. If any of you are from northern New Jersey and use Safari web browser on a Mac OS and viewed my private Tumblr and I just don’t remember giving you the password, please let me know so I can put this behind me). 

The BFX doesn’t have my back. I don’t know why I told him. And Joy got drunk and she blames herself even though I really don’t blame her at all but the BFX is telling her to stay out of it even though a)she is supposed to be my best friend and be on my side and b)the stupid bitch violated Joy’s trust and Joy’s privacy by going through Joy’s Facebook and getting the information in the first place. So Joy has every damn right to involve herself. But he is just “staying out of it,” even though the evidence is all in my favor, because he says there are “too many sides.” 

When we were dating, he never took my side. He never had my back. Other people could say shit about me and treat me like crap and he let it go but if I said anything negative about anyone he even sort of liked I was this awful person. It’s been that way forever. And clearly tonight is no different. Even when everything in the world is saying that I’m correct he can’t have my back. He just won’t. I don’t know what it is about me or what I’ve done to him but he won’t ever, EVER be on my side. I don’t know why I thought he would now. It’s my own fault for having expectations for him that were clearly too high.

I just want to disappear. I want to go away and never, ever come back. Cut off contact with everyone and just leave. 

I feel like if I don’t leave, I’m going to die.

I am going to die.

Last night I ended up at the ER. My headache came back again during the work day and I went home. I called my doctor to tell him that the meds I was on weren’t working and he put me on Imitrex. I had a bad reaction and ended up with severe jaw pain/tension. I also felt unpleasantly drunkish and just not good at all. So my mom took me to the local ER, they gave me benadryl, it worked, and I went home 2 hours later. My heart rate the whole time was INCREDIBLY low the whole time… between 49 and 55. I guess my running is paying off. 

Regardless, I had a real moment where I thought I might die. The sheet the pharmacist gave me with the Imitrex said to call the doctor immediately if you experience jaw pain or tightness. I was dizzy and disoriented and very scared. I thought maybe smoking had had a bad interaction with the drug, since I had smoked about 2 hours before I took it. I was surprised at how scared I was considering how suicidal I’ve been. And lo and behold, the moment I figured out that I was going to be ok, I regretted going to the hospital. I wished I had just stayed home went to bed and let myself possibly die in my sleep. No one really cared that I was in the ER. I didn’t even tell Joy until an hour after I got there because she was too absorbed in her own problems and she didn’t seem overly concerned once I did tell her. I did tell the BFX, but of course his new niece was born last night as well so he was only half responding and I hate relying on him for emotional support anyway. I shouldn’t have even texted him. When I got home I was so embarrassed and drugged and upset that I just emotionally vented to him. Just saying that I wish I had let myself die and that I’m alone and miserable and I asked him not to respond. Of course I got a response when I woke up and now I don’t even know what to say back. 

I just hate my life. I hate that I feel so stuck. I know I could just pack up and leave. I know that I could just take myself out to bars and meet people. But at the same time I can’t because I have crippling fucking anxiety and I just can’t. And I also have a sense of duty to “stick to the plan.” Even though the plan means another year of exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 3+ months and I’m beyond miserable. I just feel so stuck!

I still ate like a fatass yesterday. Ate my feelings. Ate my frustration with the headache. But I was talking to my mom at the hospital and she said that everyone wants to eat healthier before the cruise so after this weekend we are throwing out all the junk food in the house. So I’ll only be able to binge on apples and watermelon. Sounds good to me.

Trigger Warning:

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I keep fucking up. And if I keep telling myself “it’s ok, you can try again tomorrow” but then I don’t change anything…well… I’m really not helping myself. So today is the new Day 1 of take 2 of this diet. Some new rules/revisions:

1) Because I am working out pretty intensely, my NETS will be 800 cal. This means that if I burn 400cal running, I can still eat 1200 during the day. I think this is more reasonable and gives me a little more flexibility on days that I really work out. It also means that on days I don’t work out I will be incredibly limited, but I think that will also serve as motivation to work out. Like today. I could take the day off since its a holiday and I have 1000 things to do around the house, but then I only get 800 calories all day and I am going to my cousins for dinner and that just seems impossible. So I’ll probably hop on the elliptical later.

2) I cannot go to sleep until I’ve had all the water I’m supposed to have for the day. Water formula goes as thus: 8 cups daily + 1 cup for every dose of headache meds + 1 cup for every 15 minutes of a workout + 1 cup per cup of coffee. However, maximum amount of water does not need to exceed 15 cups, since drinking too much is as bad as drinking too little. So yesterday I had 3 doses of medicine, worked out for 44 minutes, and had 3 cups of coffee. That would bring me up to 17 cups of water, but that’s just ridiculous. I had 14…so not bad.

3) I need to follow my workout plan. No more unplanned days off (the headache and the weather were excuses I used to slack last week), no more excuses. I need to make up the exercises I didn’t do and I need to stick with my daily plan. 

4) I will post intakes. I know I started doing this yesterday but it forces me to be held accountable for my food choices.

In other news, I had another total meltdown last night about being alone. I have no desire to go to my cousins today. I realized that my whole family just judges me now since obviously my parents told them that I moved home because I was too depressed to stay in Rhode Island. I realized that that is why they don’t spend a lot of time talking to me; last time I thought it was just because my life is boring. And it is. But it’s also because they are afraid to talk to me. They are afraid of me. Why the fuck would I want to go? I can’t even swim in their pool because of MORE FUCKING THUNDERSTORMS. We have had rain and/or thunderstorms every single day for almost 2 weeks now. And I love thunderstorms but I am ready to just have one HUGE one (we’ve only had little baby ones) that finally brings in a cool front and breaks the humidity so I don’t have daily weather reminders that my city was built on a drained swamp.

I have no friends. I have no life. I appreciate my nice house that my parents are letting me live in. I appreciate the new furniture they bought me since I will be living with them until I’m done my doctorate. I appreciate my fish tanks and my full time job that makes me money. I have a lot to appreciate in my life and I do appreciate it. And every time I get miserable and I think about just disappearing – either moving across the world or killing myself – I feel guilty because I do have so many good things in my life. My parents are taking me to fucking Alaska. I don’t really want to go, but they are taking me and I need to appreciate that. I do appreciate that. But all that I have doesn’t make me feel better about the rest of it. Like the fact that I don’t have my parents emotional support… that they choose to pretend I don’t have a problem instead of getting me help. And the fact that I have no social life and no real friends anymore. And the fact that my sister, who I know loves me, won’t make any time for me even though I bend over backwards for her. And that the only way I function is to smoke in all my free time. I am just not a functional human being anymore, I have no one to help me or support me, and nothing that I do have materialistically is going to help fix that, even though I am so appreciative and grateful that I do have all of those things.

Anyway, I’m not going to post yesterday’s intake because today is my new Day 1. I am throwing out, mentally, everything I’ve done to this point. New day, new plan, new clean slate. Today’s intake will get posted tomorrow.

Happy Fourth of July! And in the next couple of days I will do a “looking back” post with progress (and regression) pics about my time on Xanga with this account.

Still fucked up yesterday. I ended up leaving work a little over an hour early to rush to the doctor’s office before they closed for the Fourth of July for the rest of the week. I had had that headache for 98 hours at that point; I NEEDED to be seen before the weekend. So yeah. They put me on a 5 day Prednisone (a steroid anti-inflammatory) regimen, with my strongest dose being last night and my last, weakest dose being Saturday morning. I’m also on a super duper prescription strength naproxen pill (I don’t remember the exact name of the drug I’m on, but naproxen is the active ingredient in Aleve) 3 times a day, though it doesn’t say if it’s regimented or as needed. As the refill is good for a full year I’m going to go with “as needed,” but I’m pretty sure I’m going to continue to use it through Saturday when I also finish the steroid. Apparently this pill increases my risk of bleeding in my stomach (joy) so I need to aviod alcohol… I have 2 parties this weekend. Should be fun! I also need to take both medications with food… so we’ll see how that goes.

Regardless, I got home and smoked a ton because my head hurt and the medicine takes a while to kick in. And then I binged. Not quite as bad as the 800cal binge I had the other day but still bad. That’s all in my intake at the bottom of this post.

But in good news! I ran my best EVER this morning. I did 4 miles, didn’t walk at all, and only stopped for traffic. INCLUDING my traffic stops I did the whole thing in 44 minutes and 29 seconds and averaged – with my traffic stops – 10:58 minutes per mile. Getting under 11 minutes per mile – even for only 2 miles – is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I usually start around 10:30 but end up near 12, so I average around 11:30 most runs. But this run. I went farther than I ever have, didn’t stop, and went faster than I ever have. AND I burned 415 calories. So booyah. 

I’m really sorry again for last night’s post. I just… had to get it out, you know? I was high and my head hurt and I was just really upset and yeah. I’m sorry. 

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Continue reading →

I made progress… I did… I lost a pound and a half… and then today my scale said I not only gained it back but I gained back 2 full pounds. I’m trying not to panic. 2 bad days of eating can’t make me gain back 2 pounds. It’s water weight and bloating… it has to be. I’m on my period. 

I’m so discouraged and pissed at myself right now. I’m SO MAD. 

The rest of this diet needs to go perfectly. No more excuses, no more days off, no more anything. The next 10 days will be perfect. Anything less is not an option. 

I’m going to start posting my intakes again for the remainder of this diet so that I am held responsible for my food choices. I will put them under a “read more” so that you don’t have to read them/you can avoid being triggered if that sort of thing triggers you.

I will be skinny for Alaska. 

This is all I have.

Ok so the new plan, after totally fucking up days 7 and 8, is to go until Day 20, no more breaks, no more binges, no more leniency. That means my last day of this strict regimen is going to be Thursday, July 11. I was originally going to do 10 days, 2 off, then 7 more, but it ended up being 6 days, 2 “off,” and then 11 more. I know that that equals 19 days, but I want a nice even 20. 

Today started off shitty (not food wise). Cleaning this tank is more of a bitch than I thought it would be. It is SERIOUSLY a pain in the ass times 1000. And my stuff is everywhere drying so my mom is going to kill me when she comes home. Fuck having to live here for the next 5 years. Oh and I woke up to a screen shot of Joy talking to her crazy ex – you know, the one who stalked her, threatened her, literally went into her bedroom and stole her stuff, and the one she literally hallucinates talking to her – and him saying she can still tell him anything. So yeah. That was good >_<

I hate my life. I need something different… but I’m too terrified to do anything else.